First critique, yay! Well, to begin with, I believe you are right to say that nearly, if not everyone, can relate to this. You should probably check it over for things like missing commas and maybe switch a couple words around. Try editing it a little bit, but definitely keep writing on it. Just remember to always go over your work.

 As an elderly writer I feel for the author. I read through the piece a number of times to try to get into the rhythm of the piece, and while I concur with probably most of the feelings, I lost the rhythm at times, and following the maxim that every word within a poem is of far greater value than in fiction writing. There is the capacity within the poem to expand as well as to articulate the author’s feelings, which I also feel are the soul of any poetry.

Rhythm as well as rhyme can make some poetry leap from the page, but I feel on a personal note that rhyme usually begets its own rhythm.

Rhythm needs to be worked out with the punctuation as well as a careful choice of words.

I would suggest that perhaps a reading out loud exercise would certainly not disadvantage this work.

The words are there; the thoughts, and feelings are also apparent, a little rhythm and adjustment is in my opinion all it requires.

 The beginning of this song is something I can strongly relate to as it is written so poignantly:

 I've lived so many lives,

now I have questions bout the

next life

Below the surface, I have

regrets about my past life

Day and night,

I walk with my own private

pains

Wishin everything would just stay

the same

 

The next lines however seemed to leap out unjustifiably .

Right now I'm edgey, gettin angry at

our society and the cold shoulder

that it's given me

I drink some Starbucks and let my

conscious go

I dont see how i would appreciate it in the song just after the intro words to this song, having touched a deep chord in me.  The feel of poignance again returns with the words:

I'm feelin sad

bout how things have gone bad

I'm goin insane.......................

 

I don't even know why or how

I got in this calamity

A friend of mine has become an enemy

After this time I thought that person would

die with me

Ask myself " O, god why'd it have to be this way?"

The pain I feel right now gets worse

by each day

No answer to my question, except that voice

above tells me that "It's all part of life"

and "It's a matter of choice."

I really liked the above lines but I am not sure what 'voice above' means...that seemed a little confusing. Is it God?

Momma told me that everyone

gets their dues

Through the good and bad times it's what we

all have to go through

I wish she never told me when

 

These lines are typical thought patterns that strike most people when they feel 'down in the dumps' so i totally identify with those lines. But i am not happy with the ending. I feel there should be a sliver of hope or light at the end of the song. When its so depressing and melancholy, it is bound to sap the listener's joy.....a little promise of hope wouldnt be such a bad thing.

That's why I keep on runnin on and I

wish my problems would go

 

I can relate to the content of the poem, and in that since it was quite enjoyable. I felt, however, that the rhyme was forced. The narrative and non-metaphorical aspects of your poetry seems more suited in a free form Bukowski-like style. I did enjoy sharing your experiences, but don’t worry with rhyme so much. Keep up the work!

Wow!  This is really deep. 

A lot of the emotions I relate with wholeheartedly.  There's much hopelessness in life, and we all have our moments.  I think you expressed that feeling really well, not trying to sugarcoat it by any means. 

Your examples of frustration, while simple enough in daily life, pack a whole lot of truth and meaning.  Some people are more sensitive, and things said and done will affect these souls differently than the normal person. 

The poem had a few grammar issues, but not enough to make me stop and take note of them.

I really enjoyed reading this.  It's nice to know that others will put your thoughts into words when you yourself can't. 

I'm somewhat new to critiquing, but I'll give you my honest opinions and considerations towards how you could improve your piece.

I feel that you have established a strong narrator, whose voice lends to the mood and power behind each line.

The first quarter reminds me of a feeling of fear and self-discovery, and fearing not being able to understand what his/her place in society is amongst so much change. You hold back from revealing the personal problems with the narrator and only focus on the general feelings that he/she is experiencing, which makes the audience wonder what else is bothering the narrator. The narrator mentions an old friend and his/her mother and cries out for support from someone.

Thinking of ways to improve the piece, you could possibly add more detail. Mention memories of the old friend, create an emotion picture of the mother. Make the audience suffer! I want to feel more remorse. I want know if the narrator is thinking the same things I'm thinking about the changes in the world. I want to feel the emotions the narrator is feeling.

Overall, you have a great start, but plenty of opportunity to add more emotion and power to the piece if you choose to.

 I really love the honesty and the straightforwardness of the work.  One of the few things I can reccomend is that the rhythm and pace seems to take a few ups and downs which is ok but a few of these pace changes are rather akward.  This is a very well dictated poem, but maybe you should take out a pen and paper and re-write it with the full words not "wishin" try "wishing". It seems kind of nitpicky but I think it could make the poem sound better constructed, and if the shortned words are a stylistic choice, then ignore my previous statement, and if anyone questions you about your stylistic choice, do not change it.