Lonely Heart
poetry, r&b ballad, april contest
Published on:
Apr. 13, 2008, 9:47pmWord Count:
125Last Edited:
Apr. 16, 2008, 3:15pmWork Description
An r&b ballad I wrote out of inspration of soul crooner Brian McKnight. And it goes out to all the lonely hearts all across the world. Enjoy!
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Chorus- Lonely Heart, you don't have to live this way
Lonely Heart, my love is here to stay
1- I can see it in your eyes, you've been through so
much pain
He left you alone, standing in the rain
Give me half the chance to show you a better man
I'll be the one who'll understand
Bridge- Don't be afraid to love again,
I wanna show you babe, that one heart break doesn't
mean it's the end
Chorus
2- No one can bear being alone, please don't fight me darlin
Let me be the one to give you a happy home
With me there's always sunshine and no cloud in the sky
I promise baby I'll never lie or make you cry
Bridge.
Chorus.
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Ms. President, I'm glad you liked it. After I published this song I found that I was missing a word in the second verse.
"No can bear being alone" was the error in the song. It's actually "No one can bear being alone."
So I edited that verse so it can sound more clear. If you like you can read it again and see the changes I made. Thanks again for your comments.
This is great, I agree with Ariadne. The way you word this shows how that soul feels. I do think that you may want to not put the chorus than bridge right after each other every time, it gets repetive and that is ok for the chorus but not so much for the bridge. You dont have to take my word for it, my brother says I dont "get r/b music" But I do get music. Anyway I like it and hope to hear more. (by the way my brother really liked your song he gave you a 5)
He left you alone, standing in the rain
Is this literal, as in he left her standing in the rain. ? If so, then it doesn't work with the rest of the piece.
If not i still feel it does not work with the rest of the piece then more detail of where , why, description of feelings and weather should be included.
Just my opinion.
No one can bear being alone, please don't fight me darlinLet me be the one to give you a happy home
I would have said.
No one can bear being alone, so baby please don't fight me.
Let be me be the one to give you darling, a happy home.
Give me half the chance to show you a better man
Give me the chance to show you the better man.
I am sorry I was not too crazy about it, because I didnt feel it.
You did not confince me to give you a chance . It all sounds too familiar
I thank you and hope you would consider my opinion.
Thank you
Hello, a.mscifi! This is indeed a great work that you did. Hmmm, it seems that this work has a great resemblance to the work that I had done a bit of a long time ago called Heart of Ice. That work has a concept of the musings of a dark,brooding, and deep soul who wants to love, but luckily his wish comes true with a cheery winged soul who helps him in five ways to melt the ice in his heartless, loveless soul, thus that was why the short story was called Heart of Ice. Now down to the real review, this was a great way to do an r&b song. I can just picture the chorus and the lyrics inside the confines of my mind. I look forward to seeing more of your stories that focus upon r and b! Take care and I hope that you may give me a 5 out of 5 from that story.