The Ministry: Creation and Recreation, Chapter 1: The Coffin (Pt. 1)
Archived and no longer accepting critiques or comments. Why?Novel Description
Creator of the occult "Ministry", Saint Valentine, begins to travel to the ever famed "Babel Tower" or "Babylon Tower".
The story of how and why he created the mysterious orginization that seems to be the police force of the world.
Chapter Description
The story of how Saint Valentine adopted the weapon: a metal coffin coated in black with a red cross atop of it.
And who inspired that.
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I.
It was always the plaguing question, the constant echo that seemed to roll off of everyone’s tongue.
The sound and tone of the very question: surprise and disbelief always caused a dull throbbing to occur at the back of his mind. It grew with every gesture they gave and every word they said after it. His body had adjusted to the situation and had already adapted an automatic reply.
The reoccurring déjà vu caused an inferno in the back of his mind, exploding with such a violent motion his body would sink deeper into the numbing state. The numbing state had indeed come with a benefit, coating his mind in realization which let him ignore the screaming inferno.
The realization had been a simple one and had always gnawed at the back of his mind, but had simply come to his vision only moments ago. He, like many others, had been ignorant, bathing within their pride of knowledge to ever realize the truth of humanity. Yet now, ignorant to the man next to him, the realization formed within his mind and hit him like the very Flood did to this land.
The silence of the awkward moment was broken off once again as the man spoke, repeating the annoying question which caused the throbbing to increase. The saint looked at him, the look of pleading glowing in his eyes as the man repeated the question: “Were you headed?”
The saint was not a man of cycles or habits, and had tried to stray from the same answer to the same question, yet an unhealthy habit of actually answering had stuck to the back of his mind. The man, still ignorant to the saint’s annoyance and pain had begun to ask again, but had been interrupted.
“The city and its tower,” the saint had replied, using the same words from the other times. The very answer created a deeper groove within his mind, which this habit had rested in. He had been oblivious to the parasite action until the realization had struck him.
The same reaction had occurred within the man’s eyes: surprise and disbelief, and they had begun to eye the saint with a hunger, a hunger that craved more answers. The man spoke again, his movements slowing as he began to pay more attention to the saint than the corn he had been shaving.
“So… it’s like some spiritual journey, or something? You going to face God, get approval, praise the Man?”
The saint eyed him oddly, the look of annoyance mixed with pity flickered in his eyes and the man went back to shaving the corn. The holy man was going to talk, going to tell the man that his conclusion had been wrong and trying to drag the man out of the habit of humans, the realization which the saint had come to.
“Golly… that seems like a lot,” the kernels of the corn fell into the bucket, the smooth metal moving in liquid movements. “I don’t think I’d be able to handle that, you’re a brave man.”
A compliment made out of sheer fear had been common these days, praising the one before you so he’d fancy himself and pay no mind as you stole from his pocket. The saint had given up on any intelligent conversation with this man and stared into the distance, his eyes clouded with thoughts of what could beyond the mountains.
A textured, orange glow fell upon the mountains, creating large shadows that hugged at the odd rocks that lie on their sides. Pink and white wisps of cloud dotted the sky and circled one another, curling and snuggling with the tower that broke through their precious fluff.
The mountains were jagged and unappealing compared to the beautiful scenery and large orb of light glowing behind it. Halos of light streamed through the clouds and splashed onto the sloppy land. Areas still remained wet from the Flood, some still flooded and turned to a marsh because of it.
The saint had been ignoring the man, but soon found that he had been talking to himself for some time. He was mumbling to himself about something before looking up at the saint. “It looks real holy over there, there’s a city there?”
The holy man had felt like blurting the realization from his mouth, yet bit his tongue, bringing pain to the intelligent being
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1
Abby makes a great point about hooking your reader!
I'll come critique this fully later on, but just wanted to point out one thing real quick:
“Were you headed?”
Shouldn't that have an h in it? 
Automatic
spell-checking devices are not to be trusted.
Thank you, thank you!
I was worried about the beginning (on my second time of writing this, I'll make sure to make it better).
And yes, I was tired when I wrote it, so I missed the "h"! And the farmer's speech, he is mentally slow. He's supposed to be a bit slow and not be able to talk right and have a very odd accent.
This'll be explained later, and so will the saint's appearance. In part three, which I am working on right now, another characters comes in, an intelligent one and she starts pointing things out about him and more will be explained about him. Thanks for reading!
While I think that you have a unique premise and POV for this piece, I feel that the language used in this first portion was a bit too vague to really get a handle on. You do manage to communicate the saint's mystery and disgust with humanity, but other than that, there's not much to really grab onto in this introduction. I'll try to point out some of the parts that make me feel this way - but it's sort of hard: your writing's got a lovely fluidity to it, and I don't want to make the content too anvilicious - still, I think something's needed to make this really gripping.
The sound and tone of the very question: surprise and disbelief always caused a dull throbbing to occur at the back of his mind. It grew with every gesture they gave and every word they said after it. His body had adjusted to the situation and had already adapted an automatic reply.
I'm guessing that the question is: "where are you going?" but this isn't at all clear - not even after the old corn husker asks it. This, and the other passages like it also feel too vague - they use a lot of pronouns without antecedents. They also tend to be a bit repetative, telling us the same thing (raging inferno/pain in his mind/ hates humans) without adding much to building either the character or the conflict.
The reoccurring déjà vu caused an inferno in the back of his mind, exploding with such a violent motion his body would sink deeper into the numbing state.
first off here, a nitpick - you use the phrase "back of his mind" twice in rapid succession. Also, numbing state feels awkward when read. Why numbing state? Why not just "numbness" or "numb state"?
The realization had been a simple one and had always gnawed at the back of his mind, but had simply come to his vision only moments ago. He, like many others, had been ignorant, bathing within their pride of knowledge to ever realize the truth of humanity. Yet now, ignorant to the man next to him, the realization formed within his mind and hit him like the very Flood did to this land.
This, I don't get. The realization came to him only moments ago - so I'm assuming that means during the conversation with the old man? That's fine, if a little unclear. But You say that he "had been ignorant." But how is that different if he's "ignorant to the man next to him"? I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around how this is supposed to be read.
it seemed that the mocking and irritated t one had flowed naturally from his lips.
bringing pain to the intelligent being
Aside from the typo in the top one, I like the idea of these lines - that there are multiple personas vying for prominence in the saint's head. However, I think that could be a more present theme, and really shine if you make it just a bit more obvious.
Basically, I think my problem with this piece is that the language is a bit convoluted, and tries too hard to hide the truth from the reader. I feel that this piece could be much stronger if it focused on making the reader feel and realize what the saint is feeling and realizing, instead of using veiled language. One thing that I think could be very effective is if you make the saint's realization the heart of this piece - don't just tell us what it is and that he came to it, but show us HOW he came to it and make us believe it too.
I do think you have an interesting premise, and I'm curious to see where it's going, I just don't want to be put off by language that hides the truth instead of revealing it.
2
Thank you.
I thought I had a problem with that, I mean, when I was writing it I was hesitant, but I figured I should just go ahead and write it and then come back and edit it, hoping someone would point things out for me.
Thank you, very much. I'll be sure to work on that.
I think Anne's critique is dead on. The idea you set forth in the introductory description had me very intrigued, but unfortunately, we saw very little of that here. I think Anne nailed it when she said you were intentionally trying to be vague in some places, which makes it both difficult to follow the plot, but also makes it hard to even really get into the story and care about the characters.
I'm going to do a bit of a nitpick critique, because I think with a bit of rethinking some of these sections, you might be able to get the premise across in a more clear fashion.
It was always the plaguing question, the constant echo that seemed to roll off of everyone’s tongue.
Ok, words paint pictures. I am wondering how an echo rolls off a tongue. Also, this is an odd place to start. I know you are going for a hook, but you might want to rethink having four paragraphs where you are in a sort of back story/head game with a character you haven’t introduced, with no action, no setting, just some discussion about
“the plaguing question”
that you don’t get to for four paragraphs, during which, nothing happens.
at the back of his mind.
This phrase is overused. Some writers re-use phrases to establish a pattern or a catch phrase. But here, it feels like you need to mix it up. So, I’d suggest finding other ways to convey this idea the next few times it comes up.
Same goes for the words
Inferno
Realization
Ignorant
Simple/simply
Unspoken
Liquefied
Here, I know it’s a typo, but what phrase do you mean?
“Were you headed?”
Honestly, I was so lost when I read this part, I had a very messed up visual of him asking
“were you headed,”
like, did you have a head in the past, as opposed to now, where he’s been BEHEADED. (Does that make sense? I thought someone was asking him if he once had a head or if he never had a head.)
“So… it’s like some spiritual journey, or something? You going to face God, get approval, praise the Man?”
Who is “The Man?” Is that what they’re calling God, or has someone set himself up as God? I’d be more specific here if possible.
This paragraph is confusing. I don’t know who the “holy man” is, because if it’s the saint, you’ve got a POV hop issue.
The saint eyed him oddly, the look of annoyance mixed with pity flickered in his eyes and the man went back to shaving the corn. The holy man was going to talk, going to tell the man that his conclusion had been wrong and trying to drag the man out of the habit of humans, the realization which the saint had come to.
“Golly… that seems like a lot,” the kernels of the corn fell into the bucket, the smooth metal moving in liquid movements. “I don’t think I’d be able to handle that, you’re a brave man.”
Does anyone say Golly besides Goofy? Also, the sentence about the bucket makes no sense. Is the bucket moving in liquid movements? The corn? Later you reference a tool that he has, but it isn’t referenced here.
Overall, the language used makes this piece very
inaccessible. It had no flow.
I re-read it to figure out that we have a man approaching the
tower. That’s a good opening—but it needs to
come across that way.
Also, after reading this twice, I still have no idea what the “realization” was, what the “inferno” was all about, and how that factors in to the question of him going to the city and the tower.
0
Alright, thank you.
If you show your writing here, can you still submit to a publishing house later? I like this but I'm very new in fact I joined tonight. I am starting on a historic fiction now, chapter 1. If I know I can safely show my start here, I'm going to do so for the community help. This is really cool.
I'll do this as a freeform critique. I liked flow of the piece. It seems very much unfinished. This made it difficult to grasp the storyline, however the writing flowed very well. The question ...
Were you headed?
Was that supposed to be "where"?
Overall the structure and writing were very good. I thought these two things a bit strange:
1. Inferno in his mind. I might have used some other analogy. I gathered this was droning or drumming and driving him crazy?
2. Liquefied his mind was a little weird. Are you stuck with that? It's okay, just an opinion.
Good job. And, I hope that I helped in some small way. I liked the story and want to read more.
David
0
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Hi A. Justice!
I'm still a little shaky at critques, but thought I would give yours a shot!
The title is real nice - can't get anymore self explanitory.
I liked your opening line!
After that, my mind began to wander away. There wasn't enough action (for lack of a better word) for me to sink my teeth into to keep my eyes on the text. Although you definately got the Saint's opinion on the question across, it was a bit over kill for the beginning to hold my attention.
From what I understand -- I believe this is going to be a real interesting story. From what you explained in the beginning, it sounds very believable.
When I was reading it, I found it a little hard to follow.
I started to understand more of the plot on the second page, and I found it very interesting. I like the mentions of the flood, the tower, and the UFO in the sky.
I feel the pacing is a little slow in the first chapter, especially in the opening paragraphs, where you need to hook your reader.
Your discriptions were awesome! You really put the setting in my mind! Your vocabulary was varied and you chose words that were vivid.
You are well versed with powerful words.
Your point of view was flawless. I always knew who the story was coming from.
As beautiful as you described the setting, I couldn't get a hand on the characters. I was a little confused with the farmer worker -- I thought he was mentally challenged at first. Now I understand he was just a simple man.
The saint -- I know he is like all mysterious right now, but I would really like to know what he looks like. You really described his distaste for questions, and his own impatience with the man... but other than that, the only thing I think I picked up was that he is an ET?
I had no problem with the dialog -- other than at first I was confused by the farm workers speech. All of the Saints dialog flowed fine and I felt it was consistent with his mysterious, yet strong personality.
I am worth crap at this stuff. Someone else will surely do better!
I really think this story has possibilities!
I am intrigued with what you have planned, and I can't wait to see the personality of the Saint developed.
In my humble opinion (which isn't a hoot since I am not published -- just coming at you as a reader) -- I think your begining needs to have more action -- something to 'drag' the reader in and keep their eyes on the page.
Hope this helps and I wish you success with the story! I look forward to more!
peace out