Blue Tide
action, fantasy, fiction, short story
Published on:
Jul. 8, 2008, 4:36pmWord Count:
5768Last Edited:
Jul. 16, 2008, 4:25pmWork Description
A mysterious merchant finds himself being held in a revolutionist headquarters.
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Blue Tide
By: Alex Hinkley
“Hey new guy, how about giving us a hand for once!” a man dressed in a blue military uniform yelled. He tossed a bag that was half full of stones into Maverick’s chest. Maverick made no effort to catch it and it fell to the ground, spilling the majority of its contents on the ground. “Nice hands!” the man laughed.
“Leave him alone, Lieutenant, he is still recovering,” another man said.
“Shit,” Lieutenant Dorion said and spit on the ground. He didn’t have anything else to say so he resumed his work of gathering stones.
It was not the first time that Fletcher Sidney had come to Maverick’s rescue. Sidney was a robust man that could be described in only two words: greedy and jovial. He wore only the best clothes in an attempt to pass himself off as a member of the wealthy upper-class and often held one-man feasts at his mansion that accomplished nothing other than fattening him up. He was the leader of a separatist group called Blue Tide. The Blue Tide pledged to destroy the Empire of Evlicta for reasons known only to them. Their base of operations was hidden in the heart of Dragon Forest. Scholars in Evlicta refused to call it the Dragon Forest as there is no evidence of a dragon ever being in the forest has ever been discovered. In fact, it was vehemently debated whether or not dragons even existed at all and so the forest was officially labeled as The Forest of Illusion on world maps of Galadia. Since the group hated anything the Evlicta Empire did, they elected to call it the Dragon Forest.
Two weeks ago, Maverick had been traveling through one of the lesser traveled dirt paths in the Dragon Forest on his way to the city of Avalon when he was bitten by a poisonous snake. Of course he was not actually bitten by a snake but purposely poisoned himself in an attempt to infiltrate the Blue Tide’s ranks. He was a merchant, so when the rebels found him passed out on their main trail, they naturally ransacked his wagon. They discovered that Maverick had been hauling a small shipment of Rage Reed, a powerful drug that drastically enhanced the physical abilities of anybody who ingested it. There were stories of those who had taken Rage Reed having punched straight through knight’s
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The Blue Tide members looked up to Lieutenant Dorion believing he was extremely well trained during his military days.
I think that you should make this into two sentences. "...looked up to Lieutenant Dorion. They believed he was extremely well trained his military days." Or, I guess you could just add a comma between "Lieutenant Dorion" and "believing".
This didn't make sense, its probably just a typo:
It was had a hilt of gold and the blade appeared to be made of carbon mythral.
He drew his massive longsword over his shoulder and behind his back using only one hand.
Who drew his massive longsword? Maverick?
Dorion jumped to his feet. “Where did you learn to sword fight? I demand to know!” he screamed.
I think it would sound better if instead of "he screamed" you put "he bellowed". When you say that he screamed it, it sounds as if he's angry, when actually he is joyful.
He gasped and wheezed as he held the back of his neck. Blood seeped between his fingers and soaked his hands. Maverick kicked him over so that they were facing each other. Fletcher’s eyes were wide and bloodshot. Maverick shook his head and reached for one of the mounted spears. He held it above Fletcher with one hand. Fletcher tried to say something to him but Maverick paid no attention and shoved the spear through his mouth.
Oooh, gory! I like it!
No, he wanted his victims to know what was happening to them so that they would also know that they deserved it and why. He leaned in and whispered into Dorion’s ear “Wake up, Lieutenant.”
Dorion groggily awoke and his eyes snapped open when he realized his mouth was being covered. Maverick’s face hovered above his and although it was too dark to see, he knew who his attacker was. He tried to scream and Maverick grinned and slit his throat.
This last part was very good. I like that Maverick wanted the Lieutenant to know he was going die.
Overall, I really liked this story. There was alot of action in it, and alot of people tend to down play the action in their stories. Two thumbs up! And if I had five hands, then five thumbs up.
-Alexis
I think instead of having this as one sentence, you should seperate this into two sentences. "Sidney was a robust man. He could be described in only two words: greedy and jovial."
And for this part, I think that you should remove "ended up saving", and just say, "The Reed saved Maverick's life, as he hoped it would."
I haven't finished reading your entire story. When I do, I'll post the rest of my critique.