This certainly needs a work-over!  I'll start with some global concerns I think you should focus on improving, and then do a bit of nitty-gritty picking-at-specifics examples so you can get an idea of what I'm talking about.

1) Sentence/paragraph length and structure:

      Your sentences are, in general, long and filled with commas or other splitty-uppy marks.  This makes them hard to follow.  At times, it seems like you had a hard time following them yourself, as the end of a sentence seems to have not much to do with its start.   Paragraphs have a similar issue, but are not as vital to understanding.  Try to split the paragraphs up with things that have directly to do with one another.  Yours seem to start and end almost at whim.

2) Pacing:

     The pacing was all over the place.  You start slow, get fast and into things with Amber, slow down again as he thinks of leaving, and then suddenly accelerate beyond light speed with no warning and we're two years later.  This was really distracting. 

3) Believability:

    I'm sure people get into accidents and lose both legs all the time, but the way it's set up here doesn't work.  You're way too blasé about the whole thing.

4) Logical fallacies/poorly thought out/checked over areas:

    Things like the Nurse saying "My name isn't Amber" are confusing when nobody called her that.  All he asked was "What time is it?".  This stuff seems minor, but can actually be really distracting from the work.

5) Weird phrasing:

    Some of your choices of description, or your adjectives/adverbs are strange.  They make me think "Huh?"

 

nitty-gritty:

point 1 e.g.

It happened on a Wednesday, I remember the feeling perfectly as I gave her a smirk that let her know I was listening, but politely uninterested. The sky was oversized that morning, with massive clouds; the kind that makes our planet look bigger, because it gives you perspective of exactly how far your eyes can focus. The kind that starts with a dark grey lining, and gently overlaps to each hue of grey until it reaches a pure white fluffy resolution. I love days like that, I always have. I remember that morning my fiancé said she wasn’t happy anymore, and how at that moment the best I could give her in return was a half smile. So it goes on to say, that I think things may have been different if I would have only given her something more, if I would have given her a sad face, or pouty lip, or at least anything besides a smile, then maybe things would have been completely different.

Wow.  Talk about a labyrinth!  Go back over this and cut out some commas, please!  Split them off into new sentences or something.  The first and last are particularly bad, for different reasons.  Sentence one uses a comma where it needs something else entirely.  What is "the feeling"?  The grammar is bad, too!  "as" in this sentence makes it sound like he remembered the feeling while he gave her a smirk.  Which I don't think is the case.  An example of re-writing for less commas and more clarity:

e.g. "It happened on a Wednesday.  My fiancée said she wasn't happy any more, but all I could do was nod in response and give her a vague-half smile."

Sentence the last is really long and rambly, and also has a mysterious "it".  "It goes on to say..."  What the heck is it here?  There's also too much stuff packed in there!  Cut out some of those extraneous "completely" "maybe" "at least anything"s, etc.

e.g. "If I had been able to pout, frown, or do anything but smile, things might have turned out differently."

I knew her inconsistent emotional rollercoaster of an idea would not last, and if so, well then fuck, I still had my golden retriever.

Her idea is clearly not an "inconsistent emotional rollercoaster", she is. 

Also, here you state he still has his dog, but later on the dog's been dead for two months (or two weeks?  I can't tell).  There's absolutely nothing that tells us time has passed, so this is confusing.  This is an example of problem 2 (pacing).   A problem which runs rampant through this middle section of the story.  It's "today", it's "going to drive across the country", it's "two years from now".  There's no middle ground anywhere and it just kind of lurches randomly from one time to another.

Problems 3 and 4:

“What time is it?” I asked, only to realize that this person above me was really a nurse at St. Fredrick’s Hospital, located in Tempe Arizona. The nurse stated “My name isn’t Amber sweetie, I’m sorry.” “Where am I? Who are you? What happened?” I replied. “My name is Judith, and I have been your nurse for the past two years. You were in a terrifying car accident, and have been in coma.”

Now how the fuck does he realize that it's a nurse of that specific hospital, and know where he is?  Surely you can come up with a better way to expose this!  Try giving him no idea of where he is at all, and then bring it out through dialogue or something.  Don't just baldly state it from his point of view when "the last thing he remembers" is that schtick about the windmills!

The dialogue, by the way, could also dowith some work.  His nurse is laughably brusque: "By the way, you've been in a coma!  SUCKA!"  You should also split dialogue off into its own paragraph.  Mixing it in with regular sentences the way it is here is very confusing.

“What time is it?” I asked, only to realize that this person above me was really a nurse at St. Fredrick’s Hospital, located in Tempe Arizona.

The nurse  woman standing over me saidstated “My name isn’t Amber sweetie, I’m sorry.”

“Where am I? Who are you? What happened?” I replied.

“My name is Judith, and I have been your nurse for the past two years. You were in a terrifying car accident, and have been in coma.”

Like this.  (But with re-written dialogue too, please!)

I looked up to see the stained ceiling because of the water spots that have soaked them.

an example of weird description.  Why is he saying this?  What's the point?  If nothing else, the grammar is all wonky. 

As my eyes get blurry, I don’t know what’s happening, but slowly hear in the distance Judith screaming, “Hurry! Get the doctor!”

This is the worst weird adverb.  How can you "slowly" hear something??  Adverbs can be a bad crutch anyway.  This might be not as bad if you described her voice as <something that implies slowness>, but with slowly it makes me say "What?"

 

Now, all hope is not lost!  I did like the way you described the narrator's relationship with Amber.  I think you really captured the sort of mess that people can make of relationships. 

So please, go back, re-read this and mark down everything you see that falls into the above categories (or any other things you think look not-so-great).  Then re-write those parts and repeat this process until you have something that really drags the reader in, pulls him along without letting go, and drops him at the end, shocked (instead of confused) at the "twist" of the ending.

1. I don't hate you.
2. I don't hate your story.
So I'm gonna do what you asked and write a critique. Here you go...
From the beginning...

"It happened on a Wednesday..."

The first line can be a little hard to follow, given that the 'It' in the sentence is the fiance informing him of her feelings and the reader does not know this for a few more sentences. Possibly could the reason behind his smiling and smirking be detailed, not through blatant 'I smiled because I wasn't happy either in our relationship and I'm so glad she finally spoke up' or whatever the situation may be but through subtle hints perhaps, clues to his thoughts about the situation.

"The sky was oversized that morning..."

To me, it's hard for the sky to actually be oversized. The detail is great but maybe 'The sky 'appeared' oversized would fit better. I can picture the sky through the description and I feel like it is a great conveyance for the overall mood of the moment.

"So it goes on to say..."

Mysterious 'it' throws me off a bit. The saying doesn't really work here. When describing her "inconsistent emotional rollercoaster" it seems to me like those words three words all kind of mean the same thing, maybe try shortening it or scrapping it all together. Does the character wish that things had been different or not? One minute he is contemplating how he could have made things better and the next he is saying "well then fuck, I still had my golden retriever". So who is more important, the fiance or the dog? Try conveying a little more emotion and letting the reader know what is what.

"Dude and I had been together..."

I practically feel like I'm watching the movie version (which is good) but why the switch from Amber to Dude so obtrusively? More time should be allowed into the descriptions of life with Dude before and with Amber to help allow the reader to see the bond between dog and owner.

"...as I really meant her to be the 'mutt'..."

That line should be scrapped. Creative writing is about showing, not telling. That is a prime example of telling. The reader can deduce that a joke has taken place without the disturbance of being told it has occurred.

"It's been exactly two months now..."

What happened in the two months? We find out that Dude died two weeks after the split but maybe some story line within the missing two months would be nice, it might add to the story. As a veteran of California, it seems as if everyone wants to "find" themselves here, as if it's a mecca or something. Consider revising the line "I decided to drive across the country, and in doing so, hope to find myself in California." It just seems a little cliche to me.

"The people here flood the streets like raging currents..."

Beautiful description of New Yorkers.

"Greg! Greg! Greg!..."

The opening of this paragraph is fine but when he realizes that it is not Amber standing above him, how does he know where he is, which hospital and in what state? Also the tense in this paragraph is a little off. "I wake up..." and "Amber is above..." as opposed to "I asked..." and "The nurse stated...". Keeping past and present tenses in order can be difficult but it really throws the reader off at times if you're not carful. Greg asks where he is and who the woman is after he has already stated that he is in Arizona and she is a nurse at a hospital.

""My name is Judith, and I have been your nurse for the past two years...""

Her dialogue is so blunt it is almost like she is poking fun at her patient. Maybe let the nurse display a little emotion, maybe she could be a little hesitant about explaining what happened. Perhaps a "you don't remember?" or a dismissal from the room while Greg watches her through the window of his room as she whispers to a doctor outside and they slowly come in and break the news to him. In the way you have it, it seems as if Greg's waking up not knowing what the hell happened is an every day occurence and that his nurse is so used to it that she has no compassion for him anymore. Also in saying that water spots create a stained ceiling is stating the obvious, consider revising.

"I had no family as my parents passed away while I was a little boy..."

Word usage. The 'as' in the above sentence makes it seem like Greg only didn't have family when his parents passed away. Consider splitting the sentence. 'I had no family. My parents passed away when I was a little boy.'
"All of the sudden" should be "All of a sudden".

"I have lost all hope."

Try describing his lose of hope rather than stating it. I know this is easier said then done but it will make a world of difference in the story.
"...grown fond of me and over the years and..." - the first 'and' needs to be edited out.
"...and I look blankly at them..." - how does one know that they are looking blankly at another person? Usually this is used to describe the look of someone looking at another person like 'She had a blank look on her face.' To say 'I had a blank look on my face' seems awkward.
The meteor shower birth memory is interesting and should be expanded upon if at all possible.
The ending is strong and leaves the reader somewhat hanging which is a good thing in my opinion. Does Greg live? Does he die? It's up to the reader and that is a great feeling being abl to decide the main characters fate in your own head. Now I feel like the last couple paragraphs are a bit too whiny, they make Greg seem like a little girl at times. Fretting over everything he has lost can be done in a more mature manner with a little attention by you, the author. Also, all of a sudden Greg wishes that he had stayed with Amber when it was prevalent to me earlier on that he was completely happy with just Dude and her long gone. If depictions of how Greg actually feels about each character were inserted, it may be easier to define just why he is so whiny. I feel like we know more about his relationship with Dude than his relationship with Amber. Just expand a little and it will be great.
The plot is decently original, although waking up from a coma has been done before, not with the time played out this way. It provides for a nice little twist ending. Overall, what I would say to do would be to rework it from the inside out. Use your wonderful descriptive qualities we see a few times in the piece to create an atmosphere beyond what you have here. Put yourself inside Greg's head completely, make his life more interesting, use his whines to back up his misfortunes rather than just stating that he has had misfortune in his life. Details of the family would be nice, how they died, why no siblings, why no relations with grandparents, etc. But I did really enjoy reading it and I know you have great potential. Keep writing and give this one an edit and I think it can be great. 

 

 

 

To start, I want to say how much I like the way you created a surreal feeling in the first section and I am interested in where you were going with this story. 

That being said, I did like how you slipped into the story, but it never really felt like you arrived where you set out to get to. I had a hard time following the flow of the story. The ideas skipped around within the paragraphs and did not quite connect. The time prpgression was also a little off. It seemed to skip around too much and did not give a feel of either forward motion through time, or a backwards motion of reflection. Instead we get both without much transition. I was confused as to which "when" we were in sometimes, especially later in the story.

In the beginning I was somewhat confused by what exactly you were trying to get across. Part of the confusion stemmed from some shifty sentence structures. It felt like your sentences were wandering off into places that we weren't ready to see yet or that really had no bearing on the story sequence. Try pruning them down into simpler chunks for the reader to digest.

It happened on a Wednesday, I remember the feeling perfectly as I gave her a smirk that let her know I was listening, but politely uninterested.

This first sentence seems like a run-on and makes the opening feel awkward. You could try breaking it up into two separate thoughts so that it reads more smoothly. It happened on a Wednesday. I remember the... This will also help with the confusion over what exactly it was that happened on a Wednesday.

The sky was oversized that morning, with massive clouds; the kind that makes our planet look bigger, because it gives you perspective of exactly how far your eyes can focus. The kind that starts with a dark grey lining, and gently overlaps to each hue of grey until it reaches a pure white fluffy resolution. I love days like that, I always have.

Again, I think some awkward sentence structures take away from your point. These three sentences make the reader work really hard to understand exactly what it is you're describing. I like the repetitive device in this selection, but it came across different than I think you wanted it to because the first is not in its own sentence. You could try breaking it apart into two separate sentences at the semicolon. This would make your sentence clearer and draw attention to the repetition in a good way. Right now it seems redundant. Also in that same sentence, the word choice is a little off. Perspective and resolution seem like the wrong words for the meanings that you are conveying here. Next, try to avoid too much adjective stacking. Description is a good thing and I like the words you use, but sometimes small doses are best. You just need a comma after white and most of the confusion will be taken care of, but it still seems a little wordy. The final suggestion I'd like to make is to make the last sentence into two. This would make the point stronger.

Throughout the piece, I felt like the paragraphs were unfocused. I think you tried to fit too much information on a very broad range of items into each paragraph. For example, the first paragraph here has the feeling that it should be two, but it's a little hard to tell because it is slightly flighty on the exact subject. Are we learning about the setting, Amber, Dude, or the broken relationship? Which is most important to Greg at this point? Try to separate the text based on what you want the reader to discover. It would clear matters up if there were a little more discussion of the relationship between Amber and Dude before you go into the history behind Greg and Dude. I might even go so far as to stop the first paragraph and start another at "Dude and I had been together since he was just a pup." The last paragraph is like this as well. It is too convoluted. Try breaking it down into smaller, but more effective paragraphs.

I really meant her to be the “mutt,”

You really don't need this statement. We can tell by the previous statements what he meant and it is jarring in the sequence.

Amber is above me laughing at me because my pillow is soaked with drool, and my arm is numb from sleeping in the most awkward position.

I liked this sentence, it sets up the next part nicely and it is completely natural.

“What time is it?” I asked, only to realize that this person above me was really a nurse at St. Fredrick’s Hospital, located in Tempe Arizona.

The nurse stated “My name isn’t Amber sweetie, I’m sorry.”

“Where am I? Who are you? What happened?” I replied.

“My name is Judith, and I have been your nurse for the past two years. You were in a terrifying car accident, and have been in coma.”

 If he just woke up how would he know where he was? If he knows where he is why would he need to ask about it? Also the nurse in this excerpt is very brusque. She seems to be laughing at him or becoming irritated with him rather than being fond of him as you imply later. At first I thought this was a normal occurrence and that she was tired of explaining this fact. Finally, dialogue should be split up as shown above and the word 'stated' seems rather awkward here.

I looked up to see the stained ceiling because of the water spots that have soaked them.

This is a "so-what" sentence in the position that you have it now.

They were white, and stood about 30 stories high.

In the context, this is another 'so-what' sentence. It is interesting information and would help visualization, but it makes the reader ask 'why do I care?" when it is sitting all on its own like it is here. It also makes one stop reading to apply it to the visualization they already have so that it disrupts the flow of you story. Could you work it in a little closer to its subject?

I miss Dude, I miss those days that pour rain, and allow you to fog up the interior of your car, and I miss it all.

Embrace the choppiness. I like that we get to some of Greg's regrets and wishes, but this would be a lot more effective as individual sentences.

Overall, I liked the story and I really loved some of your descriptive thoughts. I would have liked to read more on some points such as his relationship with Amber. I also thought that his contemplation on his life could use a little more attention, but it is definitely an interesting idea.  

This is a lot better than your previous version!  Very nice re-write.

There are still a few issues, but if you can beat them into oblivion as easy as you did the ones you've already taken care of, you should have no problems at all!

1) You still have a tiny bit of confusion regarding tense.  (Some of this looks like it might just be stuff you didn't change from draft 1).  For instance, starting with the "I've read all the books on Golden's" paragraph and going through "am excited to venture into the unknown", you're using the present tense.  However, the rest of the piece is in the past tense, so it's a bit confusing as to what's happening when.

2) I think making Amber actually married instead of divorced is great.  You've done a good job (with the suitcases, the description of her sitting up since 4AM, etc) of establishing her as a real character here, something that wasn't in the other version.  However, this makes her calling to "make up" really weird.  She's not happy, she wants a divorce, she's left the house with all her possessions.  I somehow can't see her calling "over one thousand times to reconcile".  You also made it sound in this version like he did actually care, so his childish reaction to her calls is also out of place.  Mabye she should be calling him for some other reason, like bugging him about divorce paperwork.

3) There's a big break between all the discussion about his Golden Retreiver and the paragraph where he suddenly tells us the dog died.  Why not put in a paragraph about Dude's (dramatic or mundane) death?  Have him on his last legs at the vet, or get hit by a car (ick) or something.  There's also a little contradiction in the "It's been a week, and where the sky..." paragraph.  Does he have "motivation to move forward with my life" or can he "bareley move."?  It can't be both!

4) His stance on Amber is confusing.  Does he care about her or not?  He tends to prevaricate, which I suppose could easily be the case in real life.  But if so, I think you need to make his wobbling more obvious.  He should regret the times when he doesn't give a shit about her, and then get angry at the times he's wasted loving her, etc., etc.

5) Dialogue: You need to put quote marks around both people's dialogue, and you need to start each person's dialogue on a separate line.  See <a href= "artsedge.kennedy-center.org/content/2233/2233_fictionchar_dialogue.pdf"> http://artsedge.kennedy-center.org/content/2233/2233_fictionchar_dialogue.pdf</a> for a better explanation and examples.

6) There were also a couple of minor logistic problems.  In pargraph one you say he walks back into the apartment, but never mentioned that he left it.  Did he climb out the window?  Stuff like that.  Sit down and give it a proof-read or three and you should be able to take care of it easily.

But those issues aside, this is an incredible improvement over draft 1!  I especially like what you've done in the opening paragraph.

 

Wow! This is an amazing improvement from your first draft! There are still a few things that could stand to be looked at, but overall it is much improved.

First I would say you've done a great job of eliminating the time inconsistencies in this piece. There was only one spot that I was a little confused. In the last paragraph on the second page you reference "it" happening a week ago, but we don't find out exactly what "it" is.

 It’s been a week now, and on this particular morning the sky is a beautiful bluish-golden haze. It makes me feel like my best friend Dude’s spirit is lingering around me as he has passed away a few days ago.

Are you trying to say that Dude's death happened a week ago? The thing that makes this a little confusing is that you go on to say that Dude died a few days ago. The other thing in this paragraph is some contradicting motivation. Is he too distraught to go on with his life, or have these experiences given him new strength? He cannot have both at the same time.

I like the illustration of his relationship with Amber. This is a lot better for the extra detail. The only concern I voice in this area is that it was difficult to see Amber calling him to apologize when she was the one that was most unsatisfied with the relationship. I do like that we get to see what this does to Greg internally. I also like the antagonism that he feels towards her at the beginning. I still had a hard time telling if he really cared and was trying to convince himself otherwise, or if he was done with the relationship. From the details in the story, I tend to lean towards the first option, but this could be cleared up a little bit more.

Aside from those few things, great job! I was really impressed reading this draft. I got a much better sense of Greg's voice and your descriptions shine. I love the phrases you use. They evoke really strong images and they are beautiful. The first paragraph is great, but I think my favorite passage was:

It gives me a feeling of freedom, a feeling that washes out the impurity of my soul from feeling like everything was dead

 Keep up the good work!

This is much better. You cleared up the ambiguities nicely. Everything flows well and there is a nice force driving your plot along. I no longer have confusion about time or setting while reading your piece, and Greg's voice comes across nice and strong.

The only thing I found in this draft was two instances of tense agreement. They looked like they might have just during the editing process of the first or second draft.

 They make faces at us like we were superior.

I would ask myself over and over why I was still there, in New York, living  so unhappy, full of routines. I hated myself for conforming to society. I hated myself for working the 9-5, day in and day out. I wanted more. I wanted to feel more.

Both of these excerpts should be in present tense, because they are occurring during the sequence of events rather than referencing something that happened in the back-story.

This is greatly improved and coming along nicely. Very nice work! I am anxious to read the rest.

 well, i have to say, well done!! This is a vast improvemnt. I love how you describe your relationship with Amber so vividly. It is always much better to show a feeling rather than to tell it.

I should have tripped on them, and landed flat on my face, breaking my nose, with blood pouring out, so she could stand up and throw that hot cup of coffee on me, to watch me burn, to warch me scream.

Obviously, nobody would actually want this to happen to them, so this sentence conveys a great feeling of his hopelessness. Just watch your use of commas here and you'll be good to go.

 

Also, the transition from Amber to Duke was still quite abrupt. We have a good deal about Amber now, but how about slowly letting that go and then easing into Duke more gracefully? I saw that many people have mentioned him in the hospital, so I wont bring that up. You do very well in the beginning, but thenyou speed up all of a sudden. Well, these are just some points to consider.

As I said, all in all, well done!!

This is definitely a lot more cohesive now, but the ending is so cliché!

The only other problem that I had was a couple of minor grammatical things that you should catch on a proof-read.  Stuff like "to fast" instead of "too fast" and some commas where they don't need to be.

I'd also watch out for stuff like "as marks of this tragic event".  Don't tell us it's a tragic event!  Let us figure that out for ourselves.

On the whole though, this is worlds better than the first draft.  Very nice work!

 Great job with this piece. It reads much better and is a good story. You have very good desriptive lines. The part about ranch dressing seemed a little strange to me, but overall great work.