Per Diventare - One half..., Chapter 3
fiction, novel, drama, literary
Published on:
Jul. 8, 2008, 8:25pmWord Count:
4391Work Description
Some people choose their lives. Some let life choose them. Per Diventare is about two women from two different worlds, struggling to make sense of their existance.
This is one half of the story...
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She grabbed the mail from the mailbox as Jack wriggled in her arms, and slipped the keys into the lock. "We're home," she said, setting him on the floor and shrugging off her jacket. It was just as she had left it with cleaning waiting for her. She dropped into the couch, ignoring the pile of dirty clothes Karl had left beside it. Jack crawled toward the pile of painted blocks, taking one in each hand and smashing them together.
She sorted through the mail, dropping the junk ads in her lap. Bill from the clinic for Karl's antidepressants, utility bill, outstanding bill from the cable company. She stopped on an envelope marked with Karl's name from a cell phone company that they didn't use. She tore off the side and pulled out the statement, scanning the information. Her scan stopped on the numbers at the bottom. "Seven hundred dollars?” She reread the information that didn't change. "What the hell?"
Stepping over Jack, she grabbed the phone, a vintage from the 1980's, and dialed the number given for questions. Her toe tapped as she listened to the orchestral version of Brown Eyed Girl. "No, Jack," she said as he climb onto the coffee table.
The voice popped out of nowhere.” Can I have your account number please?"
She grabbed the paper and searched for the account number, running them together in groups of threes.
"Thank you. Are you calling to make a payment by phone?"
"No," she said, unsure of what to ask or how to say it.
"You do realize that your payment is past due and unless you make a payment, you're phone is scheduled to be turned off in three days."
She sat on the arm of the recliner. "Shit."
"Would you like to make a payment?"
"It's my husband's phone," she said, the words sticking in her throat. "I didn't know he had it."
"As his wife, you are still authorized to make a payment. You can pay by check or credit card."
"I don't have any money.” She said it, not to the woman, but to the pile of bills on the couch.
The woman was unrelenting. "We could postdate a check, if that'd work for you."
"I don't know how we're going to pay for this. I didn't even know."
"We'd be happy to work out a payment plan."
She hung up the phone without another word, staring at the black and white figures in her fingers.
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Hi Amber. This was another well done chapter. A few things I saw are below.
When Justin is standing in front of her at the lobby desk, trying to discern why she seems unhappy, you use a terrific hidden picture simile. You then repeat it in the following sentence. My opinion is that it's too soon. The next sentence says that he was watching her also. Maybe skipping one would give the repetition more strength.
One inconsistency I found was that, as she's sitting with Justin having a drink and feeling regret, she says to herself that it's well past her sons bedtime, but she works nights.
It didn’t take long until she found denials easier just pointing at her forth of a carat diamond and walking away.
Should be fourth.
His lips0 pressed against her ear,
The 0 after lips.
That's it for the 'fixable' things.
Darla waved from behind the bar. She’d worked in the lounge for twenty-five years, serving sins to the travelers and collecting stories of infidelities and stupidities.
I loved this. A better comparison isn't often made.
Well done again. I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter.
I like the dialogue! You nailed it. There are a few areas that you might want to take a second look at as they may enhance your story.
She grabbed the mail from the mailbox as Jack wriggled in her arms, and slipped the keys into the lock. "We're home," she said, setting him on the floor and shrugging off her jacket. It was just as she had left it with cleaning waiting for her.
Consider putting a "comma" between "mailbox" and "as," or clarity. You might also consider making "We're home," she said, a new paragraph.
Also, consider "She tapped her toe...." rather than Her toe tapped as she listened to the orchestral version of Brown Eyed Girl.
Otherwide, the dialogue is great and I have had such ridiculous, circular conversations. It's so absurb you want to simultaneously scream and laugh.
Excellent writing!
Shilohx7