I am not exactly sure what you were doing in this piece. I mean, it is not that it is necessarily bad, but I have no idea what is going on. The image in my mind is of a male, standing in a dark alley, with one of those wall-crawling things from Resident Evil rushing him. Suddenly, he is having a flashback about his siblings fighting, and then one of them hits the other... and he is back in the alley, but now he is ready to fight?

This, coupled with many spelling and grammar issues (I would point them all out, but I would feel like an ass for doing so,) make this piece mediocre at best. But that is not to say there is no potential. Keep at it, and you will get better.



 Hi, Amber! I really enjoyed this piece of work that you did today. What is the story reflected around though? Though, it is a good piece, what is the story's central conflict? This is a tip from me to you. Make sure you clarify the plot and story's central conflict as much as possible. For instance, if you can do this in the story, say "Because I am a full-fledged vampire, the local vampire hunters were after me. I was on the run

Something infront of me popped/jumped to the wall on the right side. It started crawling like a spider, getting near me every second. Its head twitched and its eyes moved every where. The thing under me had stopped ripping the box but I could hear it breathing heavily.

See where it says something infront of me? Separate the words in and front so that sentence cannot have any grammatical errors. Also, Where it says popped/jumped, say, "Something in front of me popped from the crate and jumped to the wall on the right side.

"Finally, I felt the box/crate move under me

 

In this sentence you don't have to say box/crate, you can pick one rather than say it is a box/crate for readers to know it makes sense. Overall this story has the potentialto become a very good piece. I believe in your abilities. Just remember that you should reread over your work so that no errors can be found. I still want to read more of your story! You can do it!

 This can go places, but only if you put the work into it. try starting with a more grabing begining or try haveing the flashback about latter on, like right as the things jumped at him. That would go more for showing the reader what trigered the flash back to begin with. All in all a good piece! Good Luck.

Um. How to begin? Well lets start with, supposedly. That is the correct spelling. Now, I don't quite understand what you're trying to do with this piece, it has no structure, or well...meaning. The first sentence should be elongated. Where was she walking? Where was she walking /to/? From where was she walking? Things like that just to add a setting. Also, it could use much more description in general. What is around her? Or even, what does she look like?

Here's an example of what could be done with this piece:My heels clicked along the black asphalt of the alley, my dark hair bounced at my back with each solemn step. The buildings surrounding me were huge, to a point where you could barely see the tops of them, and were decrepit, pieces of rubble lined the floor. I dragged my eyes to the ground to realise...This is where /it/ happened. Don't use that, seeing as it was crappily written, but just an example of what you could do to change it. And that was just for the first sentence!

Next, explain why the crate was moving, who /they/ are and why they are trying to harm her. There is so much potential in this piece, you just need to explain more, and use more descriptive imagery.

-Leech