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Uprising Death. Falling Life., Chapter 1

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short story, fantasy, mystery, horror
1st
Draft

Published on:

Jun. 17, 2008, 2:03am

Word Count:

1020

Work Description

A female vampire disposes of a male light creature.

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Chapter: 1
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            Everything was silent along the cobble stone street; everything was silent, but one thing did move soundlessly. Her pace showed she was heading for somewhere important, her long flowing black hair dancing as her body moved. Her gray eyes flickering over the shadows dangerously, her hunger growing. Dressed in dark jeans, and a long-sleeved black shirt, her hand held a small paper bag. Her flats crushed the leaves beneath her feet.

           

            The woman turned into a store; if anyone was looking they would see the store was marked closed, but no eyes would see it. Walking deeper into the store that was filled with antiques of miniature statues, rabbits feet, and snakes heads, she stopped, her eyes settling on a male standing in front of her, his face hidden in the shadows. He was brought to attention of her presence by her small cough. Placing down a large rattler’s head, he stepped forward.

 

            His features were seductively beautiful, a strong jaw line, a five o’clock shadow, sparkling blue eyes, completed with dark brown hair and a to-die-for smile he was an angel dropped from the heavens. His voice held authority, “I’m sure you’ve got what I need?” He asked. The woman narrowed her eyes, her lips pinching together as she tapped the beg with her nail.

 

            “Of course,” He said calmly, “You want payment.” Smirking, the woman stared hungrily at his neck, but said nothing. The male sighed at her lack of response, reaching for the bag. In return, the female slashed like a cat, her nails scraping precious skin away. Yanking back his arm, the man scowled.

 

            “Need I remind you?” She whispered, her voice weaving through the muggy air. It was soft, welcoming, and devilish. Her smirk never leaving her face, she dropped the bag and shoved behind her, “Payment.” Her voice snarled, but the smirk stayed planted. Narrowing his own eyes, the man hissed darkly, “Not until the bag is in my hands safely.”

 

            “I can live with that.” She smirked, stepping back, picking the bag up, “But I can’t live without payment, understand?” She sneered, her hair falling in front of her left eye.

 

            “I do not.” He claimed, “Money? You can’t live without money, bratty bitch.” Silence. Sweet silence, outside the sun was setting behind the tall buildings. The female closed her fist, cracking all of her knuckles, “Furrian, I know your secret to life.” She grinned, “Light… Day. And sun.”

 

            “Point?” inquired the Furrian. The woman picked up a beautiful sapphire and amethyst necklace, her nails starching the hard gems. The male noticed this, and stepped back one. Looking up, her once gray eyes were a deep red, “And I survive in the night. On a crystal red liquid that every living organism has…” She hissed, her grip letting the bag and necklace fall, “And I need payment to survive.” She leered, lunging.

 

Her hand gripping his neck as she towered over him; the Furrian was gasping for precious breath, trying to remove her ivory hand. Licking his neck softly, she scraped her sharp fangs against his tender flesh. Whispering hungrily, “You’re ripe… That’s good. Furrian.” He gasped for precious breath, then he got it. Sucking in the wonderful oxygen, his muscles started absorbing the air. This is when she sank her sharp fangs into his vein. Guzzling it into her stomach, she let the liquid drizzle out of the corner of her mouth. Sitting up again, she licked her lips removing the excess blood.

 

Picking up the bag, she unrolled the top, looking at her dying prey, the blood spilling over the white tile.

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Discussion

 Well, this wasn't bad, and the imagery made up for the parts that weren't as great. Overall the story was interesting, and it could be the start of a great tale. There are a few things I think that need some looking at, however; the main one being Vagueness. The beginning was slightly vague; it didn't really give you a cahnce to understand what was going on, nor did it give you a chance to get to know the protagonist (assuming the vampire-woman IS a protagonist). For starters, it might've been helpful to give her a name. That's your call, though, so I wont' really get deep into characterization since this was supposed to be a short story.  I think that the vagueness of the story after the beginning really was what made this story confusing. You don't explain who Jake really is, you don't explain his relationship with the protagonist, and really, what the protagonist was doing for the man she killed in the beginning either. I dont' say all this to put down your work or your capabilities as a writer; I'm just telling you that this is a problem that should be taken into consideration should you write the next part of this story in the future.

Besides the vagueness, it was a great story, and I'm sure that the next part will be even better.

 Hey Anastasia,

This is the first work I have read of yours.  I enjoyed the story overall - although I was confused by the characters and their relationships to one another.  I know it is a short story, and sometimes  characterization and back stories are difficult to protray in under a certain number of words, but I felt like the story was almost cheated by being SO short.  You could lengthen it by approx 500-750words and I think do it must more justice.  It would give you time to develop your MC a little better, develop the AC and his relationship to "Moonlight" and to your MC.  How are Moonlight and your MC related?   The overall imagery and dark quality of the story was done well, but the characters lacked depth and feeling - I couldn't see them as living, breathing creatures....I think with a little more development this story could really sparkle.

 The story seemed a bit hard to follow, at least for me. It didn’t hold my attention very well. Maybe because it is a genre I have rarely read and I don’t know the vampire culture. I have a really difficult time taking it seriously. I don’t think the author intended it to be jocular, but I had to laugh at the improbabilities. Also, the word pictures were quite fuzzy to my view.

Very first sentence, a bit confusing. Try: "everything but one dark shape that moved soundlessly."

Two clichés in one sentence? Tch! Tch! "five o’clock shadow, sparkling blue eyes," try, "two day growth of dark stubble, blue-white eyes," Common clichés turn lots of readers off.

Paragraph structure of dialogue needs major revision.

"She smirked, stepping back, picking the bag up," Try, "She smirked, stepped back, and picked up the bag,"

"her nails starching the hard gems." Did her nails turn white or was it the gems?

"licking it like chocolate pudding." I have a hard time equating this with vampires. Do they like chocolate pudding as much as blood?

"Caracoled" you must mean "charcoaled."

That was an interesting and entertaining story! One of my favorites.

However, it seemed a bit too short. And how you ended it with the female vampire saying one line. That was good, but not VERY good. So maybe you could've ended it a little different to make it longer, or just  bring something else into the story.

It was a very good story, just too short.

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