The best part about reading someone else's works is being able to bring your opinion to it at the end. I have to say that you have a very passionate place in  your soul, which is good. There are many things a person can write about when doing poetry and you have certainly picked one of my favorite topics. The title was a very good title for this. I found no mistakes although I expected much more from it. I was just getting into it then it was over.......But overall I can honestly say that it was really good....Thanks for your time and keep writing.

Okay, so. I liked this piece. There were a few very nice ideas here. Let me go through it.

Lying naked with you

Skin against skin

Feels so good

Without and within

 

All right, so there are a few issues. These lines are very choppy, as are all that follow. They are incredibly short, and while this may not be a problem at times, the transitions from line to line are jarring. When you write, you should be saying the lines out loud. Each line should move smoothly into the next. Also, your rhyme. While the lines make sense when put together, they feel very juvenile. Your rhyme required no creativity, and that's sad, because I know you have it. Your idea is good. Execution, a little off.

My hands tell you

Things I can't say

While trying to rub

Your pain away

Again, rhyme issues and transition issues. But again, the idea is good. You have to find a more roundabout way to state what you're trying to say; that's generally the point of poetry. You want to take the reader around a few corners before they get to the point. Make it pretty, make it creative.

This connection I feel

So familiar and strong

Is it just me?

Could I be wrong?

The questions lend a little bit of a Dr. Seuss feel to this stanza, which is sort of hilarious, given the topic of the poem.

I lay here and listen

To your body respond

This is an excellent stanza. The break in pattern is perfect, and the idea and feeling behind it is striking and lovely. It was impressive, and memorable. So good going.

The same desires

And needs of our hearts

Brought us together

Making a start

 

Bringing us here

Where skin upon skin

We've started a journey

Let it begin

The repetition is a little juvenile. "Where skin upon skin" doesn't make sense. Perhaps you meant "We're skin upon skin"? In any case, "skin upon skin" is sort of forcing the theme down the throat of the reader. The whole thing is called "Skin". The "skin against skin" idea is presented in the first stanza.

All right! So! I think that you have a creative mind. I believe that you are capable of creating very impressive work. I think that you just need to work on it. Read a ton of poetry. It really helps. Learn what works and what doesn't. Practice, practice, practice. And keep posting your work. People love to help.

I hope this was at least a little helpful. Thank you for writing!

Hi,

I saw your piece on the Home page and thought I should drop you a critique.

You've got an interesting poem here. The simplicity of the rhyme scheme and rhythm belies what I think is a deeper meaning - that shared bond between two people. I found it interesting that you titled the piece "Skin". To me, it seems like skin was sort of that boundary one couldn't cross, as least through the way you presented it in the poem.

Enough analysis!

I enjoyed your poem because of how easily relatable it is. Nice job conveying intimacy in bold, simple words.

Compliments aside - I do have a few suggestions for improvement.

Consider not arbitrarily capitalizing the first letter of each line and instead capitalizing as one would naturally in prose. Because this is such a simple poem, I think a lack of capitalization would go nicely.

My hands tell you

Things I can't say

While trying to rub

Your pain away

To me, this entire stanza was a little off. The transition to this idea was a little weak - you're talking about how good it feels, but suddenly, you're comforting a griever. Then you go back to the idea of positive connections and such. The rhythm as well was a little choppy and awkward. I would look over this again.

The same desires

And needs of our hearts

Brought us together

Making to make a start

"Making" felt a little awkward to me. I think "to make" would flow better.

Bringing us here

Where skin upon skin

We've started a journey

Let it begin

"Bringing us here" is repetitive - You said "brought us together" just in the previous stanza.

"Where skin upon skin" is an incomplete thought. Where skin upon skin what? You can probably just take out the "where".

The use of "start" twice is repetitive.

Concerning the last line - if you've already started the journey, why would you say, "Let it begin?" That doesn't make any sense.

Here's one thing to always keep in mind - don't let your rhyme scheme dictate what you write. I get the feeling from time to time while reading this that some lines or words were chosen purely for their functional, rhyming sense. Play aggressively with rhyme. Take risks. Check out rhymezone.com and play with different ideas. I feel like less conservative rhyme might work well in this piece.

Hope this helps! Have a great day.

Hugs,

Natalie