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Hearts and Minds, Chapter 3: Chapter Two: Stranger

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novel, drama, fiction, fantasy, action
2nd
Draft

Published on:

Mar. 30, 2008, 7:38pm

Word Count:

1924

Last Edited:

Apr. 1, 2008, 5:37am

Work Description

My first (and only) novel; I've been working on it off and on for almost three years, and though I'm still not even close to finishing it, I'm getting closer with every word, right? :)

Chapter Description

Kassandra and Ladimira get to know their "foe".

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Chapter Two: Stranger

 

 

 

 

 

He stepped into the light. He was tall, taller than most men, with a semi-muscular build. His skin was dark with the sun’s tan, and bright blue eyes watched the world around him. He was clothed darkly, and he carried an axe at his side. A small bag was slung over his shoulder. “What happened?” he asked, kneeling beside the injured girl and dropping his belongings.

“We were attacked—bandits, I can only imagine.” Kassandra paced, watching him carefully, as if she did not know if she could trust herself to trust him.

“And they are…?”

She shook her head. “I do not know. They stopped following nearly ten minutes ago.”

Ladimira looked up at the figure kneeling beside her. She was in too much pain to be afraid, but she wondered who he was.

“I will not hurt you,” he said in the same deep, coarse voice. To Kassandra, it seemed as if he had not spoken in years. He inspected the wound carefully, and tore a hole in her shirt around the wound. “This might hurt a bit,” he warned. “I must pull out the arrow. I will count to three.” He sucked in his breath and took hold of the shaft. “One, two…” and he pulled.

Ladimira cried out in pain. “I thought you said you would count to three!” she said, tears streaming from her eyes. She was half furious with the man—a liar, as far as she could tell—and half terrified of him.

“Anticipation is worse than pain,” he replied grimly, and he carefully began bandaging the open wound.

“Halan, how bad is it?” Kassandra asked, crossing her arms and standing a short distance away.

“Not good,” he replied, “but nowhere near deadly. Your friend—”

“Ladimira,” the girl interrupted, giving her name.

“—Ladimira—will be just fine in a couple of weeks.” Halan, as he was named, packed up his things diligently, avoiding eye contact with the women. When he had finished, he rose to his feet, gripped his axe in one hand, a bottle in the other, and his bag slung over his shoulder. He handed the bottle to Kassandra. “Watch for infections,” he warned. “Apply this salve twice a day, enough to cover the entire wound.”

Kassandra took the bottle and nodded. When he began to walk away, she threw a hand out in front of him to stop him. “Wait, brother. Please, stay with us. I am not a doctor.”

He sighed, his strong demeanor flaking away. “That is why I have given you directions,” he replied, avoiding her eyes. “I have things to attend to.”

“What things? Are they more important than family?” Kassandra had donned a sudden fire in her eyes, and power behind her voice. “Please—stay with us, if not for me, than for Ladimira. I would not risk my friend’s life by trying to play doctor.”

Halan glanced back at the woman on the ground, who was watching them with interest. “For her, then.” He looked at Kassandra and nodded. “I will be back shortly. If anything should happen between now and then, then let me know.”

Kassandra nodded

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Discussion

 Hello again Anna-

I like the descriptions (as always ) but am a little confused about some things-

"Halan, how bad is it?"

 

i think it should say instead:

"How bad is it, Halan?"

 

it reads easier and sounds more natural                          

also-

"If anything should happen between now and then, let me know"

 

is referring to the time when Halan is gone, so how is Kassandra supposed to "let him know"?

 

"his face as blank as the stone walls of Nihem"

what is Nihem? a little confusing there, as you do not know what Nihem is, or how "blank" its walls are

"Deftly, he worked the fire, coaxing the flames upward."

i think for readability purposes, should be :

"He worked the fire deftly, coaxing the flames upward."

there are just too many commas in the first version

"I do not really know"

i think it should say instead:

(and this goes for all of those "I do not" s)

"I don't really know"

sounds a little more natural

hope this helps!

~Fainne

 

 Hello Anna,

I want to start by saying this is good work and I like it. But I feel that this work could use more flow. I feel like everything is stated very straight and matter of factly. Could there be more detail in the descriptions? I think I could get into things and feel are greater connection to the characters and their situation if the above changes were made. I say dare to have a run on sentence, and then pull back, but just a little. Draw me into this world.

 

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