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Hearts and Minds, Chapter 4: Chapter Three: Enter She

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action, fantasy, fiction, drama, novel
1st
Draft

Published on:

April 1, 5:43am

Word Count:

1566

Work Description

My first (and only) novel; I've been working on it off and on for almost three years, and though I'm still not even close to finishing it, I'm getting closer with every word, right? :)

Chapter Description

Enter she, another stranger.

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Chapter Four: Jealous Love 

 

 

 

 

“Who is she?” Ladimira eyed the newcomer with a venomous expression.

“Ladimira, Naiosa. Naiosa, Kassandra. Kassandra Naiosa. Naiosa, Ladimira. Good; now that everybody knows everybody else, let us get going.” Having said the introductions, Halan knew that his sister would not be content. He dropped his bag and proceeded to make a fire with the remainder of the firewood from the night before.

“A pleasure,” Naiosa said, grinning. “Your brother has told me so much about you.” She did not extend a hand, but stood there instead, grinning.

What is he thinking? Feeling obliged to show some kindness to this strange woman, Kassandra smiled politely as she had learned to do. “Yes, a pleasure. If you would please excuse me, I would like to have a word with my brother.” She stepped away and approached Halan, leaving Ladimira and Naiosa to themselves.

“Before you ask,” he said quickly, before she could speak, “we just met.”

“Who is she, Halan?”

“Naiosa. I made the introductions, did I not?”

She sighed. “But why is she here? With us?”

“That,” Halan told her, “is a long story.”

 

“So, how well do you know Halan?” Ladimira ventured, glancing back at the twins.

Naiosa smirked. “Quite well, actually. One could say, in fact, that he and I know the other’s deepest desire.”

Ladimira fumed inwardly.

Luckily, Kassandra returned. “May I…borrow you for a moment?” she asked, taking her friend by the arm and leading her away.

Naiosa shrugged and stepped closer to the small fire, then sat beside Halan.

 

● ● ●

 

“She is terrible!”

She hushed her quickly. “Ladimira, calm down. I do not like her very much, either. But Halan trusts her, and he claims that she is going to help.”

“With what?”

Kassandra shrugged. “That he would not say. But if he will trust her, then should not we, too?”

Ladimira sighed in defeat. “Perhaps you are right. But I still do not like her.”

 

● ● ●

 

She woke with a start. What was that sound? It sounds like…splashing. Odd. After a quick look around their shaggy camp, she counted the sleeping blobs on the ground. Shaking the fatigue from her lethargic limbs, Ladimira stood up and followed the sound.

She was lead to a small stream. The crystal blue water slipped effortlessly over the numerous shiny pebbles at the bottom. The little amount of light there was from the waning moon rained down and reflected upon the water’s surface. Ladimira held her breath. There in the moonlight, standing in the middle of the stream, stood the half-dressed figure of a man: dark and strong, with muscles that rippled down his chest in

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Discussion

 Hello Anna-

Oh my goodness!!! This work is absolutely outstanding! A couple thingsunclear though-

"who left of this world is friend to the Queen?"

makes it sound a little like this woman is the Queen, not a goddess.

also- what are the rumors? who screamed?

"all of Kirrime"

is Kirrime a country, a city, a parallel universe, what?

i have to say, you did an exellant job of descriptions- they do not drag the reader away from the storyline, but rather give the reader a clear idea of what everything looks like.  i can picture everythin in my head from those descriptions!  

how can halan disappear if hes not a god? special powers, magic, etc?

hope you can clarify and hope this helps!

~Fainne 

 ***I read your story chapter after chapter without so much as a pause... The imagery was great and your style of writing had me wanting to seek out the next page without interruption. I guess this is known as a "page turner".

I did however find a few typos, if you were to reread the story slowly, I'm sure you would see the mistskes. Also if you would separate the dialogue from the written paragraphs, it might make it easier for the reader to know when someone is speaking.

I did find myself wondering as well, of what the time or era the story was written, that can usually be said and done in the first paragraph of the story itself. Considering that they travel by horse back, I know that it must be an era of at least the early eighteen hundreds.

I was also really  intrigued with the mental link between some of your characters... I know twins can actually be that way some times, but to add another who isn't family was absolutely.... "cool"! I do hope that you will have more of this story, because I will most definitely want to continue reading the story. You have succeeded in creating a "fan" of me, so I will be looking for more of your work...write on!

Rusti Fae***

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