Amnesia
danger, fiction, short story, dreams
Published on:
June 2, 9:11pmWord Count:
425Last Edited:
June 5, 6:24pmWork Description
This is fictional, and is the story of James' trauma.
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He ran, not looking behind him. He knew it was there, like the way he could tell if he was being watched. His heart pounded against his ribcage, as though an entire Indian tribe was playing a drum ensemble against his chest. His feet pumped up and down, as he ducked behind a dumpster. He scrambled to hide, and threw himself into the tiny space between the dumpster and the brick wall. For a moment, he thought he was safe, until he heard crashing and banging up the alley. He jumped to his feet, and sprinted away, as the hall enveloped him. The alley was getting smaller and smaller, as he ran into the unknown, into the dark.
He sat up, his legs still thrashing against his sheets. His sheets felt so binding, and he kicked them off. Flashed and pieces of his dream came back to him, the way people try to recall dreams in the morning after. But he couldn't get the whole thing. Drums in his ears. Imminent danger. He put his feet on the floor, and stood up. He looked around his room, making sure that was where he was. He saw all the usual things. The movie poster for Disturbia. Various girls dancing on his walls, either scantily clad, or barely covered by their anorexic limbs. He saw his poster of Malcom X.
By any means necessary.
The familiar walls were still enclosing him. He looked at the floor, at his feet resting on the reddish brown shag carpet. The only part of his room that he got to pick for some "design."
Hindsight is 20/20.
He sat back down on his bed, and ran his hands through his hair, then rested his chin on his palm.
This wasn't the first time he'd had this dream. But he never was able to remember the whole thing.
It had all started about three weeks ago.
---- ---- ----
He saw her walking, as he spun the dial on his locker. 22-14-33. She walked up to him, and kissed him on the cheek.
"Hey babe." He smiled at her. He loved seeing her, everything about her. Her long blonde hair, her blue eyes that searched his soul for all his secrets, her body, prefect in every way, and imagining himself running his hands all over her soft skin...
"Watcha got now?"
"Calculus," he replied, sighing heavily.
"Poor baby. Text me. Maybe I can make it interesting." She winked at him, as she let her hand fall down his arm, and sauntered away.
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Thank you for critiquing my work. :]
You're right, some sentences need work. Better?
Also, I wanted to tell... everyone, that this isn't a completed work. Yet. I have to add the rest later. And it will come.
Thanks again. :]
I really liked this story. I was instantly drawn into the story. The way you used the words to draw the scene was really good. You could pretty much visualize everything.
You also picked a good topic. I felt that this was something everyone could related to. With it being a dream, it makes you stop and think of the dreams that you've had and how real they felt. The way you wrote the character's personality we could sympathize with him easily.
For a moment, he thought he was safe, until heard crashing and banging up the alley.
There was one grammatical error. Shouldn't he be placed between 'until' and 'heard'? I thought it would help with the flow. And it could easily been overlooked.
All in all I really enjoyed reading this peice. I hope that you will continue to write on it. Maybe give us some background on the character. Is he at home or in like a college dorm? Maybe you could even continue with how he feels about this dream and how it's affecting his life during the daylight hours.
It is a well written flash fiction. The words move smoothly around the script. It's very effective in creating the dream scenes as a real.
'By any means necessary.' the sentence just hangs in there and I don't see the idea behind it. There is 'He' missing in one of the sentence-a little typo may be!
Some sentencea are little clumsy to read but overall it narraytes the good story. The last sentence could be the first sentence to make it more interesting. It feels as a anti-climax to read it at last.
Every dreamer can relate to this experience. But to dream repeatedly the same thing can be a very scary feeling, may be disturbing like a nightmare.
Thank you for sharing it,
Jaya H.
Overall I really enjoyed it, very descriptive loved where it was going.
Loved how you threw a slight description of the girlfriend in there. It was almost helping to show that this was an actual person you are writing about and not some robot.
Very good overall I enjoyed it, I am going to like to see where this is going.
"the way people..." takes away from the mystery and tension that you've been building thus far. It'd be like watching an action movie during a chase scene when a narrator breaks in to tell you what's going on.
Say this sentence out loud. It's a struggle to get through. Can it be simplified?
What had started? The dreams? This feels like more than just a short story, like it's leading into something bigger. I'd like to see where you can take this.
Thanks,
Amber Lynn