Prom Night
june contest, mystery, prom, short story
Published on:
June 5, 7:23pmWord Count:
2073Last Edited:
June 29, 7:38amWork Description
A mystery. :]
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Looking in the full-length mirror, she held up various dresses, to see which one looked best.
Combing back her long blond hair, with dark brown mixed in to make it look more natural, she gave herself the stare down with her green-blue eyes that changed depending on what she was wearing, which right now, were trying to match the blue dress she was holding up. She had skinny legs, displaying blue shorts that were far too short to let the imagination run wild, paired with a medium sized waist, veiled by a gray tank top with lace on the straps and along the top.
"Mon, what do you think?" she asked as she stepped out of the dressing room. She held up the blue one, "This one?" Then she held up the red one. "Or this one." Monica tilted her head, imagining them on Stephanie. She squinted her eyes.
"Uhhhh. I think I like ... both." Stephanie sighed and stomped over to Monica, and rested her head on Monica's shoulder.
"I knowwww." She groaned. "But I have to pick one! Prom is like, in a week! Jason asked me, and you KNOW this is my big chance." Monica rolled her eyes,
"Trust me, I know all about it. " For weeks, that was all that Stephanie could talk about. Jason this, Jason that. She was obsessed with him. So when Jason asked her to be his date to Senior Ball, Monica answered her cell phone to the sounds of Stephanie's shrill screams. Monica could barely understand what she was saying. Finally, it came out. Jason and Stephanie were going to Prom together. They instantly fell into "girl mode," and Monica demanded all the details. What was he wearing, what was she wearing, where were they, all followed by, "OH MY GOD!"
"What if you just wear both?" Monica asked. Stephanie looked up at her. Then she looked at the dresses.
"You know... I bet I could get them altered together... But wouldn't blue and red look weird together?" Monica let out a big "HAH!"
"Okay, I know you're desperate, but I wasn't SERIOUS." Stephanie stomped back to the dressing room.
"I know. But at this point, I can’t even pick one. I really am past the point of caring. Except I know I can’t go like, in jeans to Prom. Or else I would."
"I know you would. Jeans are your life, honey." Stephanie nodded. They really were.Well, except on really hot days. Then jean minis were called into action. But demim is denim. "I think maybe we should come back tomorrow. We obviously can’t pick a dress today, and I think this calls for a Starbucks splurge." She raises her perfectly plucked eyebrows at Stephanie. "Whaddya think?"
Stephanie thought for a second. Then threw the dresses into the cart for go-backs.
“Okay. Those caramel frappachinos are calling to me.”
*****
Jason sat on his bed, facing his friend Ryan.
“Dude, I don’t know what to do.” Jason said. Ryan spun around in Jason’s short, brown swivel chair.
“I don’t
know, man. You asked her out.” Jason sighed and ran his hands
through his blond highlighted hair, that he sometimes spiked at the
front to give him a more "preppy" look. But that was only when he
wore his light blue polo shirt from Abercrombie. The one that
brought out his eyes and made him irresistible.
“I know.” Ryan shrugged, and took a bite off one of his Twizzlers that he stole from Jason’s’ cabinets.
“Cancel on
her.” Ryan suggested.
“Dude, I can’t do that. It’s PROM. I can’t cancel on something as big as prom. She’s probably picking out a dress as we speak.”
“Yeah, but you asked someone else. You can’t take both of them to prom.”
“You sure? I mean, what
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My first critique, not so sure how it'll go.
The plot was pretty solid, but as stated above, it seemed to parallel some of the scary genres of movies. Not that it's a bad thing, just, it does seem to be played out a lot. Nothing against it, seeing as the movies tend to be okay.
The pacing seemed a bit fast, but not too fast. Pretty good all in all.
Descriptions were excellent and went smoothly with what was going on. I was wondering where the mother and daughter were (I'm not all that great with names), though. Otherwise spot on.
I liked the way you introduced the characters, giving us some back round and how they think.
It was a pretty good first chapter and I wish you luck in the contest.
Hello, i am relatively new to Scribophile but I am part of several other critique circles so hopefully I can give some helpful advice. However I must say that while I tend to be harsh and very honest everything I say is just my opinion so you shouldn't get offended by my comments. Take what you find usefull and ignore the rest.
That being say to the critique itself:
So far this was a very predictable plot, that we all saw in teen slasher movies. Self absorbed teenagers that end up in a situation way above their heads. (The main difference between your story and the classic plot-lines is that usually the situation is brought on by something bad the teens do while in this case it seems to be random) What stuck out to me was the fact that the caller is in her dreams. This little twist sounds interesting but a bit close to the "Nightmare on Elm street" series. Overall while this plot isn't very original it's not bad either and can lead to interesting twists and turns.
I am a bit surprised by your choice of characters though as nobody is really likable (so far), which seems to predict everybody will get killed. (I'll expand on the character latter) Anyhow if the main character is to survive you should make her more pleasurable and easyier to identify with.
The pacing was perfect for a teen slasher story. You introduce the characters and describe their petty little drama's. I was only disapointed by the lack of suspense before the strange call. Why don;t you slow down and let us feel scared? Tell us the house is empty and dark, a strange shadow crawls on teh ceiling of her room, etc..stuff that will put us in the right mood for a creepy call.
A bit more description please. As I mentioned before let us "feel" the scene; not too much but tell us how her hosue looks, how jason's room looks etc. Also I would add a short description of the town or the neighboorhood so we can get an idea of how these kids live, what they do daily etc.
Well writen POV and you kept it consistent. Good job (I always mess this up when passing from one scene to another)
I wish the main character (Stephanie) would be mroe likable. Tell us more about her. The fact that she had her heart broken doesn't really make her stand out and be lovable, tell us how her ex cheated on her in mroe detail and how people made fun of her. A drama in her past will make her more attractive to the reader. Also give her a larger scope in life, past prom. She should be somehow different than all the other petty teenagers so we can be interested in her. Of course all of this applies only if you want her to survive the killer or if you don't plan a bildugnsroman that follows her change into a great character...
The dialog was taken out of teenager's mouths. A bit annoyng but very realistic well done.
I didn't see any issues with grammar.
As far as teen slasher stories go this is a good one, I just wish you would have foreshadowed what will happen more. I predict that this dream monster will start killing Stephanies's friends but I guess you could take this in a completely different way...anyhow nice intro.
Hey! I must agree with all the above comments. Since the plot and the opening chapter is all so familiar, it should not end up as, " Oh no! another one of these", in the readers mind. If you have begun such, you must carry it out with a twist in its progress to make it stand out from the crowd. I would say, the writing style can be typically catagorized as -fiction for teens. I like the way you treated the girl's emotions versus the boy's communication style. It might be easy to capture the reader's interest in the first chapter but needs some thinking in developing it further to maintain the pace (yet not make it too runny as the scary movies we've seen all too often).
Hope you do a great job with this one!
First of all I want to say that I think there is a lot of potential here, there are so many ways that you can do the Prom piece. I'm assuming this is part of something that is a work in progress so here's what I have for you so far.
"Looking in the full-length mirror, she held up various dresses,
to see which one looked best.
Combing back her long blond hair, with some dark brown mixed in to
make it look more natural, she gave herself the stare down with her
green-blue eyes that changed depending on what she was wearing,
which right now, were trying to match the blue dress she was
holding up. She had skinny legs, displaying blue shorts that were
far too short to let the imagination run wild, paired with a medium
sized waist, veiled by a gray tank top with lace on the straps and
along the top."
While I definitely think describing your characters is important, I don't think having the blanket description paragraph at the beginning. It feels too much like you are trying to get it out of the way. Instead, I think you might try slipping in bits of description with the dialogue. That way you don't have this huge transition between a paragraph that is all description and then character dialogue. It will help the flow of your story and keep readers from losing there place in the plot development.
*By the way I wan to say, I like the way you have her picking between dresses and the guy picking between girls… Leaves this idea that picking a dress is the equivalent to a guy picking a girl which to me is a subtle jab at how chauvinistic society can be. I think it's a strong literary device that you can probably utilize throughout the story in other areas. An example would be when she gets the prank phone call maybe Jason gets a letter in the mail (or email or IM) that warns him against taking her to the prom. Something like that you know.*
There was some dialogue I didn't find believable that I wanted to point out.
“Okay, man, I know I’m dumb sometimes, but taking two girls to
prom is like asking to start World War three.” Jason sighed."
“But she’s fugly.”
I didn't like the World War Three thing, way too cliche for me. I think you can come up with something more descriptive and more believable as far as guys go. I mean they are in high school and niether of them have said a bad word yet. Maybe it's just me, but when I was in high school us guys swore all the time. Their conversation just doesn't seem believable.
Being a guy myself who is in his 20s, I really couldn't get behind this. Sure, "Fugly" is definitely a word spawned by men. However, it's not something we use regularly. Had you made the reference a joke it probably would have worked better. Like having Ryan say it with an accent to make it sound like he's dogging on her. Instead it just sounds like a response that would be standard for guys. Which, I highly doubt is. "Busted" I think would have been a better choice if you don't want to add description to Ryan's comment.
Lastly...
"She never made the first move. She never asked any guy out. She was socially awkward. A wave of shame washed over her."
The way these sentences are written is very choppy. That's 4 periods in almost one line, that's a little excessive. Three of the sentences start with "she" you could probably combine some of these sentences and have a greater effect on the reader. If you want it to read like an internal monologue you might try an introduction statement (like "she thought" or "Stephanie pondered") followed by an italicized collection of statements. If it's a stream of consciousness then let it flow.
Over all I think you have great potential here and although I'm not sure where you are headed with this I'm interested to find out. Good luck!
Yes, it is extremely predictable.
But it is a work in progress, and the best I could think up at the time. and I didn't want to throw it away, so I continued it.
Thank you so much for your comments/critiques.
Hey there! I just read this piece and here's review so bear with me.
The plot sounded so familiar from movies like "When a Stranger Calls" or "Scream". But, I'm not mad at what you got your idea from. It was good. We all have our inspiration.
The pacing was a little fast. Overall, it was good.
There was some description on what Monica was wearing while shopping for that prom dress. By the way where were they when they've gone to get their frappachino fix?
Now for Jason and Ryan: are the guys at Jason's or Ryan's. There should be some description to where they are located.
This is the one flaw I spotted here. Instead of that it be:
Well that's it. I'm right behind you on this winning the June Contest. Hope my comments help.
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