Which One Is It?, Chapter 1: Edit
romance, mystery, history, fiction, fantasy, novella
Published on:
Feb. 9, 2008, 7:14pmWord Count:
1786Last Edited:
Mar. 24, 2008, 7:04pmWork Description
This is a story that I started writing my sophomore English class in High School. It was an assignment and since I had a page number restriction I had to end it in a way that I did not like. So, I decided to scrap it all and re-write. This is by no means a finished work. I have had writers block on it for a long time, and it has gone through many re-writes. Well, here it is, I hope you will enjoy it! And feel free to comment on it, I would love any ideas y'all have!
Chapter Description
Well, this chapter is setting up the two main characters and letting the reader get some background on the main character, the girl.
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my room.” I pointed behind me to the elevators, “It’ll only take a
second.
“Sure, I will be here.”
We left the hotel and walked out into typical English rain. Cooper took out an umbrella from inside his jacket; it was one of those mini umbrellas that can fit into your pocket. Ironically it had the Burberry plaid on it.
“My mother’s,” he explained, as he opened it and we huddled under its surprisingly big frame. “It was the only one I could find.”
“Ah, I understand, that’s happened to me before.” Hoping that statement would lessen the embarrassment he felt.
I looked around at the streets of this little town that was in the middle of nowhere. It took forever to get here the night before. The town seemed to be a tourist spot, though it was only known for the castle that sat on the top of the cliff, looking down intimidatingly on the little houses below it. Behind the castle was the ocean. Surrounding the town was a “little” forest of trees, though the trees were thick to the middle of it. It looked like a medieval village gone modern. Especially with all the fancy dancy hotels and restaurants, I wondered why this little town was such a tourist spot, I mean there are many other castles in England. Why is this one so special? Who lived there? What happened here? What is the story behind the thick stone walls? As if to answer my questions, Cooper said,
“Many tourists come because of the murder of the owner of the castle.”
“So, it is just a murder. Many murders happened way back when.” Looking up at the castle I got a twinge in my stomach. “Who killed the owner?” I asked.
“No one knows. That is why I need you.” I looked up at Cooper quickly.
“Oh, no,” I started incredulously, “you cannot be serious!” When he smiled and nodded I said, “You have got the wrong person, I am not an investigator, especially one that looks into age old murders!” Narrowing my eyes, I got suspicious
“ . . . why me?”
“Because you have the last name of the murdered owner.”
“So? That doesn’t prove anything! Lot’s of people have ‘Willow’ as their last name! Well, not really, but still . . .”
“I looked at the Willow family tree; you are the last name on the list.” His voice was low and quiet, as though this was a secret he wanted kept.
“But that still doesn’t prove anything.” I was stubbornly sticking to the one thing that could get me out of making either a huge mistake or making me look like a fool.
“Yes, it does,” Studying my face for a minute and looking desperate, “I really need your help.”
“Why don’t you call an agency that deals with this sort of thing?”
“I have, many times. But I don’t have the money to pay them and they won’t do it for what I can.”
“Just because I am a descendant of this Willow person doesn’t mean that I can solve the murder!”
“But you and me combined, I bet that we can!” He looked frantic. “Please,” he looked like it was a matter of life and death, so, what could I do? Plus he had my curiosity going at a high speed.
“Right . . . . . so where do
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Hi there!
I have a favor to ask of you before I do a huge critique and offer you some suggestions for this work. Could you please edit the work and include paragraphs? It's very difficult write now to read.
Also, and this could partly be because of the lack of paragraphs, I feel like I'm running a marathon through the work. Your pacing is very fast, and leaves the reader panting for breath. There are no rests for the reader to get lost into.
In general, I suggest you slow down, add some detail and more background for the piece. Take time to describe the surroundings, etc.
Also, the other thing that caught me off guard is the gun. Why
does she carry a gun? And overseas at that? How in the world did
she get the clearance to bring a gun into a different country? How
in the world does a 20 year old female have a gun in the first
place? If you can explain that, it will make it a little more
believable. 
I have to agree with Brittany. Leaving paragraphs that run four or five, perhaps a little more sentences long gives the reader a sense of pause.
The pacing of your story is equally fast so not having everything broken into paragraphs makes the story even more difficult. Slow down and try to think about emotions a bit more. Start from the beginning and imagine how you would feel, what else you would see, throughout your story.
SD
Seems like you need some encouragement with this. I think it has a big potential and it will be a good story. You wrote it so that the ending isnt obvious. Thats cool. Could you break it up a little though and it needs a little more intensity like there is always something going on and nothing will ever be boring. PLEASE keep it up though!
~Caitlyn
The Beginning of a Very Strange Adventure
I don't understand the point of this.
“GRRRRRRRRRRRR!”
And this is very ackward to read.
holding the mail in the front hall of my house I let out frustrated yell. Why won’t these—these—these people leave me alone? Why must they keep sending me these horrid letters that I really don’t want to take care of?
This is where I feel your story starts. Right here. Now, I need to know more about the mail because right now it doesn't make any sense. Is it junk mail? Is it harrassing mail? I'm sure you'll get to this sooner or later, but some clue or idea, perhaps a description, would help significantly.
Stomping into the kitchen I threw down the letters onto the large wooden table and plunked down into a seat and started sifting threw them.
You have a lot of action crammed into one sentence. Stomp, threw, plunked, and sifted. Four actions. I'd break them down into smaller chunks and have more detailed descriptions. A large wooden table can exist anywhere. What makes this one special enough to matter in this story. Even things in a story create the story. Did she carve her name underneath when she was younger? Was there a burn from a science project? Something different and meaningful.
But today I had an instinct that something else was in there.
Is she angry or anxious? I'm getting conflicting feelings about the mail, so when this line came about, it confused me.
I would know if there was someone else in my house.
Is there someone in the house? If not, I'd leave out this line because it acts like a lead into something that you don't intend.
Having grown up here, I knew exactly where every nook and cranny was.
Here, I feel like you've stepped into a new train of throught and it would serve best if you started a new paragraph with it. Each new premise should get a new paragraph as an unspoken signal to the reader to change gears.
That was strange, I didn't know anyone over there.
This read strange. Sometimes, simple works best. This reads like you are giving us too much information, or insight, if you will, into her mind. She may be thinking it was strange, but sort through her thoughts and determine which ones the reader "has" to know. Telling us that she didn't know anyone from England, we'd come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, strange.
Also, the description of the letter could use it's own paragraph because it's obviously of importance to the story. Highlight it and make it so because it's lost in the other paragraph right now.
I could barely make out what it said. Something about coming to England and some sort of curse.
This makes the story ambiguous, like it could happen, it might not. I'd rather see her read it and dismiss it, not believing in curses than this. Take a stand in your plot and make it concrete.
Walking through a darkened hall, I could see pictures lining up of people from the past.
You start off here with the mystery, seeing pictures of people she could name. Then, you describe the pictures. I feel this would work better starting with the description and then, telling us how strange it all was. That's just my opinion. That said, the jump from the first scene to this is confusing. I'm really lost at this point, not understanding what's going on.
Oops! The character is a "she". Can you clarify this earlier.
Then there was a rush, and then an arm wrapped itself around me. I yelled for the manservant to help me, but he stood there with a look of horrified triumph. Then I felt pain in my abdomen, then another in my chest.
Again, here is a place I'm lost. The action isn't clear and I thought, at first, it was the manservant, but then realized it wasn't. Simple rewording of the scene would help, with clear, concise action defined for the reader.
Okay, ,it was a dream. Dream sequences are hard if they aren't clearly distinguished as dreams, ie " I fell asleep and saw x." As I read, I realized that he/she ( still not clear on that) is now in England, probably because of the letter. It's at this point I wonder if it would benefit you to start the story at the dream, wake in the English hotel, and flashback to recieving the letter. I think all of this confusion would go away and the dream sequence wouldn't feel so weird. That's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.
out into typical English rain.
If she/he's never been to England, it's weird that she would consider the rain "typical".
Okay, Cooper's frantic pleas, to this point, seem out of whack with his character. Earlier, he came off as strong and stoic, now he's frantic.
we start,” he smiled and pointed up at the castle. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
Did Cooper say these lines? If not, his actions need to be separate from her dialogue.
So, you seem very natural with dialogue. There are just some simple clarifiacations that need to be made. Also, there is very little description. I don't get a sense of time or place, except for what you told us, point blank. (she's in England) I want to see it, smell it, feel the atmosphere.
You have a great hook and good start on this story. I look forward to reading Chapter 2.
Amber
Hi,