Hi,

I have read the first chapter....It has left me wanting to read more...course I love a good mystery. I'm a romance writer myself and I envy anyone who can write a mystery!! All I can say is...more...more...more!

Hi there!

I have a favor to ask of you before I do a huge critique and offer you some suggestions for this work. Could you please edit the work and include paragraphs? It's very difficult write now to read.

Also, and this could partly be because of the lack of paragraphs, I feel like I'm running a marathon through the work. Your pacing is very fast, and leaves the reader panting for breath. There are no rests for the reader to get lost into.

In general, I suggest you slow down, add some detail and more background for the piece. Take time to describe the surroundings, etc.

Also, the other thing that caught me off guard is the gun. Why does she carry a gun? And overseas at that? How in the world did she get the clearance to bring a gun into a different country? How in the world does a 20 year old female have a gun in the first place? If you can explain that, it will make it a little more believable.

 I have to agree with Brittany. Leaving paragraphs that run four or five, perhaps a little more sentences long gives the reader a sense of pause.

The pacing of your story is equally fast so not having everything broken into paragraphs makes the story even more difficult. Slow down and try to think about emotions a bit more. Start from the beginning and imagine how you would feel, what else you would see, throughout your story.

SD

 Seems like you need some encouragement  with this. I think it has a big potential and it will be a good story. You wrote it so that the ending isnt obvious. Thats cool. Could you break it up a little though and it needs a little more intensity like there is always something going on and nothing will ever be boring. PLEASE keep it up though!

~Caitlyn

 The Beginning of a Very Strange Adventure

I don't understand the point of this.   

“GRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

And this is very ackward to read.

holding the mail in the front hall of my house I let out frustrated yell.  Why won’t these—these—these people leave me alone?  Why must they keep sending me these horrid letters that I really don’t want to take care of?

This is where I feel your story starts.  Right here. Now, I need to know more about the mail because right now it doesn't make any sense.  Is it junk mail?  Is it harrassing mail?  I'm sure you'll get to this sooner or later, but some clue or idea, perhaps a description, would help significantly.

Stomping into the kitchen I threw down the letters onto the large wooden table and plunked down into a seat and started sifting threw them.

You have a lot of action crammed into one sentence.  Stomp, threw, plunked, and sifted.  Four actions.  I'd break them down into smaller chunks and have more detailed descriptions.  A large wooden table can exist anywhere.  What makes this one special enough to matter in this story.  Even things in a story create the story.  Did she carve her name underneath when she was younger?  Was there a burn from a science project?  Something different and meaningful.

But today I had an instinct that something else was in there. 

Is she angry or anxious?  I'm getting conflicting feelings about the mail, so when this line came about, it confused me.

 I would know if there was someone else in my house. 

Is there someone in the house?  If not, I'd leave out this line because it acts like a lead into something that you don't intend.

Having grown up here, I knew exactly where every nook and cranny was. 

Here, I feel like you've stepped into a new train of throught and it would serve best if you started a new paragraph with it.  Each new premise should get a new paragraph as an unspoken signal to the reader to change gears.

That was strange, I didn't know anyone over there.

This read strange. Sometimes, simple works best.  This reads like you are giving us too much information, or insight, if you will, into her mind.  She may be thinking it was strange, but sort through her thoughts and determine which ones the reader "has" to know.  Telling us that she didn't know anyone from England, we'd come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, strange.

Also, the description of the letter could use it's own paragraph because it's obviously of importance to the story.  Highlight it and make it so because it's lost in the other paragraph right now.

I could barely make out what it said.  Something about coming to England and some sort of curse. 

This makes the story ambiguous, like it could happen, it might not. I'd rather see her read it and dismiss it, not believing in curses than this.  Take a stand in your plot and make it concrete.

Walking through a darkened hall, I could see pictures lining up of people from the past. 

 

You start off here with the mystery, seeing pictures of people she could name.  Then, you describe the pictures.  I feel this would work better starting with the description and then, telling us how strange it all was.  That's just my opinion.  That said, the jump from the first scene to this is confusing.  I'm really lost at this point, not understanding what's going on. 

Oops!  The character is a "she". Can you clarify this earlier.

Then there was a rush, and then an arm wrapped itself around me.  I yelled for the manservant to help me, but he stood there with a look of horrified triumph.  Then I felt pain in my abdomen, then another in my chest.

Again, here is a place I'm lost.  The action isn't clear and I thought, at first, it was the manservant, but then realized it wasn't.  Simple rewording of the scene would help, with clear, concise action defined for the reader. 

Okay, ,it was a dream.  Dream sequences are hard if they aren't clearly distinguished as dreams, ie " I fell asleep and saw x."  As I read, I realized that he/she ( still not clear on that) is now in England, probably because of the letter.  It's at this point I wonder if it would benefit you to start the story at the dream, wake in the English hotel, and flashback to recieving the letter.  I think all of this confusion would go away and the dream sequence wouldn't feel so weird.  That's just my opinion.  Take it or leave it.

out into typical English rain.

If she/he's never been to England, it's weird that she would consider the rain "typical".

Okay, Cooper's frantic pleas, to this point, seem out of whack with his character.  Earlier, he came off as strong and stoic, now he's frantic. 

we start,” he smiled and pointed up at the castle.  “I was afraid you’d say that.”

Did Cooper say these lines? If not, his actions need to be separate from her dialogue.

So, you seem very natural with dialogue.  There are just some simple clarifiacations that need to be made.  Also, there is very little description.  I don't get a sense of time or place, except for what you told us, point blank.  (she's in England)  I want to see it, smell it, feel the atmosphere. 

You have a great hook and good start on this story.  I look forward to reading Chapter 2.

Amber