Not an End
non-fiction
Published on:
April 16, 10:18pmWord Count:
246Last Edited:
April 16, 10:21pmWork Description
This really is a true story. I remember, just before falling asleep, I was watching the TV and there was this story on the news. It had really brung me to tears. I picked up a pen and began to write... Enjoy
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Was about to go to sleep
until I turned on the tv
tears falling from my eyes
from what had touched me
It was a boy year 15
had been shot down and killed
an aspiring rapper
taken from his will
Murder, tragic
all the pains the family faced
She cried, she tried, couldn't dry her eyes
as she sang God's Amazing Grace
The preacher standing next to the boy's mom
prayed for no retaliation
He knew what they were in for
knew their desperation
He had brothers and sisters
all looking up to him
I stared at them, saw their hurt
He was taken from them
I began to turn off the TV
but my finger pulled away
I couldn't help but notice
no tears from his momma's face
Tears from my eyes
started pouring down more
He could've made it big
no one knew what was in store
These crimes on the streets
only keep getting worse
The preacher begs for mercy
but you can't take away the hurt
A cross with flowers
sits where he last layed
Rest. In. Peace.
Is what he cross says
The boys, his boys
all open ears
As the preacher says stop the violence
they are crying tears
Once again
I am a victim of my own feelings
I can't help but feel
what the others are feeling
I wish I could walk through the TV
and hold someone's hand
Let them know it's a beginning
not an end
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Hey Ashley,
Yet another emotionally charged ride from you - I must say, I really enjoy the raw emotions your work evokes within its reader (or at least this one). Even with the techinical issues (spelling etc) you really hold your work together well with the simple wording and straight forward way you put things.
Cameron already listed out the spelling errors, so I won't waste your time reiterating them. I will say though - Cameron commented on starting the first line with a capital letter - this is NOT necessary. It is a literary device used only when you want to draw attention to something specific. I think your capitalization and mostly lack of punctuation actually work to your advantage here - I really like the lay out of the poem.
Couple little things....you had a really nice rhyme / meter to the poem until the last couple stanzas when you tried to rhyme "feelings" and "feeling" and "hand" and "end" .... I am not a huge fan of end rhyme, it often times sounds forced to me _ I am much more of a free verse kind of girl - but I think the rhyme works here because it is simple - but I would recommend being throroughly consistent - if 1 stanza rhymes they all have to - so I would read through and make sure the rhymes you make are easily read alound - if you have to rearrange a word to make it rhyme, it doesn't work and it will disrupt the flow of your poem, as it does here.
Also - little contradiction - the beginning of your poem says "she" is crying:
She cried, she tried, couldn't dry her eyes
as she sang God's Amazing Grace
Personally, I thought this was the mother crying....and then at the end you said that shje wasn't/couldn't cry and that made you all the more upset - this confused me and I went back and reread the first lines to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Just a thought.
Anyway Ashley, I really enjoy your work. Hop on over and read some of mine if you get a chance. Keep writing!
Another tremendous work born of compassion Ashley! You are an empath like me, we can't help but feel other's pain.
I really like how you wrote this one in stanzas. It helps so much with the flow and cadence .
My favorite part is this:
The preacher standing next to the boy's mom
prayed for no retaliation
He knew what they were in for
knew their desperation
I think if you replaced standing next to the boy's mom with by his Mother you wouldn't lose any of the feel but it would help the flow. In fact you could do that with more of the stanzas, replacing different words with other words that convey the same meaning but allow for a better flow and rhythm, without losing any of the content you are trying to convey here.
Let me give you another example, (I've put your original words in bold).
Was about to go to sleep
until I turned on the tv
tears falling from my eyes
from what had touched me
You could change this to:
About to sleep
I turned on the TV
Tears fell from my eyes
At what touched me
It flows better but keeps the same concepts you had. If you play around with the rest of the poem the same way, you could make it really powerful and still express the same compassion, passion and emotion it has now.
It was a boy year 15
had been shot down and killed
an aspiring rapper
taken from his will
A boy of 15 was
shot down and killed
an aspiring rapper
taken against his will
Anyway, I think you see what I mean. Keep it up I love your passion.
XOxo~Drea
Just wanted to point out a few typos there, "Form" should be "From" and "Wahst" should be "What."
I like the poem actually because a lot of people can relate to it, especially if you live in a deeper part of the city, where things like this happen daily.
Let's see I think I spotted more typos while reading this...
"Layes" should be "Laid" I believe. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.
I think it's also traditional to capitalize the first letter of each line in a poem, though I must admit I'm not positive of that either. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, yet again.
Good poem though, keep it up.