Boomerang
poetry
Published on:
February 2, 7:59amWord Count:
161Last Edited:
February 25, 3:11amWork Description
A poem I wrote some time ago that I recently re-discovered. It definitely needs a lot of work, but before I go about re-writing it, I thought I'd get some opinions it first!
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Clear silver notes dance through the air
Alive by gilded symphony.
Begun in key, they quickly flare
Through hell, through earth, to heaven’s stair,
Then back again, as never there.
The work is done; men rise from chair.
A seedling floats from reaching tree
To touch the earth with whispered prayer:
“my life do spare,” said pleadingly
the unborn babe. “I long to see
the sunlit sky.” It grew to be
a mountain tall, cloud’s jealousy.
A wave is born from out the blue,
A white cascading force to brush
The sand, then rush to ocean true.
The water sighs, then swells anew—
A breath, a touch, a murmured clue,
An essence, filled with longing too.
The starlight rains a shimmered hush
On azure meadows bathed in dew
Whose crystal hue reflects her blush.
Her glowing face, her pale flush
That grows with night, dies when the thrush
Sings silver notes for mornings lush
With hope for old beginnings.
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Haha, no worries, I've never taken a creative writing course
either, so we're on the same level. I feel kind of dumb
reading St. John sometimes myself 
Originally, the title was "Return to me." Like the
description mentions, I dug this poem up from a while back, and I
found that the title didn't have the same ring to me that it used
to. So I changed it to "Boomerang," because it essentially
describes the central theme of the poem, while giving it a more
dynamic feel than the more abstract stuff that the poem
discusses. But, I think you're right too... I'm certainly not
married to the title, and I'm not sure if it's the right choice
either. I'm certainly pondering your points
I also agree with your comment on the last line in the first stanza. The idea was for the first stanza to mirror a symphony performing a fugue (a piece of music that starts in one key, does a lot of crazy counterpoint stuff, and at the end finishes in the key it began in). Naturally the men rising is them giving a standing ovation at the end of the fugue (and it gives a convenient rhyme for "there"). I think what you may have picked up on is that the stress is on both "men" and "rise," which breaks with the meter of the entire stanza. It seems a bit jarring, I agree. I'll have to think of a way to work that out of it.
Thanks for the advice, I think you have a lot of really good
ideas despite never being "officially taught."
Lovely poem ^_^
The whole thing seems to be very dreamlike, and the language you have chosen reflects this. It illustrates wonderful images and flows at a good pace.
I'm not sure why, but the first stanza itself seems to stick out from the others. Maybe it's just because of my own experiences playing music, but coming from an actual musician the thought of a symphony is a passionate yet stressed image. I'm not sure how to explain this... but it seems more "real" than the rest of the piece. Where the other stanzas are on the beauty and lucid images of nature, this one is a bit more human. It's not necessarily a fault, but it is something I noticed and thought I'd point out.
Yet another great poem of yours Consider me a fan.
Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this! Very vivid imagery and you use a very "rich" language. Bravo!
Rhyme is pretty rare these days. I like it but it's hard to understand. I guess that's my main thing about poetry. what is it about and what is it bringing. I can understand the first part and then I get lost.
Well done! This poem is simply beautiful. I loved how each stanza was like a little riddle of a poem unto themselves.
Here are my nitpickings, I hope they'll help you decide what to do in your rewrite!
Clear silver notes dance through the air A 8
alive by gilded symphony. B 8
Begun in key, they quickly flare A 8
through hell, through earth, to heaven’s stair, A 8
then back again, as never there. A 8
The work is done; men rise from chair. A 8
I like this stanza. My interpretation is
that this is music? I hope I got that right. 
My only qualm was
the last line "The work is done; men rise from chair." It was a
little jarring to find men there. Music is ethereal, men, are,
well, rising from chairs. I felt it unintentionally grounded all
the movement of the first 5 lines.
A seedling floats from reaching tree B 8
to touch the earth with whispered prayer: A 8/9
“my life do spare,” said pleadingly B 8
the unborn babe. “I long to see B 8
the sunlit sky.” It grew to be B 8
a mountain tall, cloud’s jealousy.B 8
Prayer in this stanza is a little dissonant-but I'll give it to ya, this is my favorite stanza. I love the personification of the seedling, and "cloud's jealousy" was wonderful, too.
A wave is born from out the blue, C 8
a white cascading force to brush D 8
the sand, then rush to ocean true. C 8
The water sighs, then swells anew— C 8
A breath, a touch, a murmured clue, C 8
an essence, filled with longing too. C 8
lines two and three have some problems. brush and the are hard to say without taking a bit of a pause between them (say it out loud to see if you agree) I think this causes a bit too much break in the flow of these lines, as they are still the same sentence but our brain puts in a pause. Again, your ending line "an essence, filled with longing too" is beautiful, I would just add a comma after longing for grammar's sake.
The starlight rains a shimmered hush D 8
on azure meadows bathed in dew C 8
whose crystal hue reflects her blush. D 8
Her glowing face, her pale flush D 8
that grows with night, dies when the thrush D 8
sings silver notes for mornings lush D 8
I enjoy the time change in this stanza. It's also beautiful in its hint of death and endings and beginnings.
With hope for old beginnings. E 7
I like this ending. But for the sake of being clever with rhyme, if you end the piece on the A rhyme scheme, it will echo the words old beginnings that way, too. Something like, "With hope old beginnings flair" or something? I don't know if it will work, but its something to look at when you rewrite. I'm a sucker for meaning hidden in form.
Also, if you notice, your word processor capitalized the work mid-sentence in a few places. When I quoted the work I fixed that. I'm assuming that the capitalized lines weren't intentional, as it's clear you put a lot of thought into this piece. I look forward to seeing what you do with it! With a little tweaking it will be complete. ^_^
Write on!
Hi. I really liked this poem. The only thing I saw was this line:
a mountain tall, cloud’s jealousy. I think it's rather odd compared to the rest of your poem.
Other than that, I loved it.
I kind of liked it. It was fun to read! I'm sorry I don't have anything else to say right now, my "thinking cap" is turned off...
Very interesting work. I really liked your rhyme pattern. I honestly didn't even notice it the first time I read through it but when I went back through again I caught it and thought it was really clever. A lot of the poetry I write doesn't rhyme because, quite frankly, I'm not really good at it. Reading this, however, with its intricacies has given me something to think about as I return to my own work. I also liked the imagery. Each stanza painted a beautiful picture. I am not sure, however, if there was an overall flow. Your title kind of made me think that there should be an overarching theme, and I am not sure I could see one. Perhaps I just missed it, if that’s the case, I’m dumb and just disregard that comment. I think, however, you could almost extend each one of the stanzas into a good length poem all by itself, which could be a pretty good project if you ever get bored.
"Through hell, through earth, to heaven’s stair, Then back again, as never there."
I love this peice of work. I don't know how long it took you to write it but it was absolutely perfect. This is my most favorite line of the writing. It's amazing how you came up with it. The title I didn't really understand but overall awesome job. You should keep it up. I think your writing inspires people to keep going, me, for instance. Well good job and keep writing. I am sure you will keep improving for as long as you write.
Hey folks, thanks for writing such helpful critiques, I really appreciate it!
For those of you who weren't quite sure what the poem was about, or what the title has to do with anything, let me explain. The main theme tying each stanza together is the theme of returning to something.
-The first stanza describes a fugue (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fugue). A fugue is a piece of music that starts off in one key, goes through a lot of variations and voices, and ends in the same key that it started in.
-The second stanza describes a seed growing into a tree. The seed starts up high in the tree's branches, then falls to the ground; for a long time it's earthbound until it grows into a tree itself, and thus returns back to the sky.
-The third stanza describes surf on the beach. Waves reach out from the ocean, touch the sand, and return again.
-The fourth stanza describes the moon. It moves through the sky until dawn (when the thrush sings) and the sun returns.
The title ties it all together in what I hoped would be an obvious metaphor: the boomerang, which when thrown, returns to the thrower.
I guess what I wanted to convey with this piece is to always hold out hope for when you're in a new and perhaps undesirable situation. Everything is a cycle and everything returns from whence it came eventually. But, I clearly haven't expressed that in an obvious enough way, because it seems like it confused a lot of people. Time to start rewriting with these critiques in mind!
Thanks again, and I think that this work has had enough
crits. Go crit something else!
I really enjoyed reading (and rereading) your poem. The imagery and the journey you took the reader on was vivid and wonderfully done, I felt.
I have no issues with the body of the poem, and if any criticism at all could arise it would only be with the ending. I wish I could pinpoint what it is, but something about it, the abruptness possibly, pulls me away from the flow a bit too fast.
Great poem though, I really enjoyed reading it.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. your poem has a nice flow .
I didn't understand what the hole thing was about , but after I
read what you wrote I understand now . and thats very
beautiful, i hope to read more of your work.
Hello, Bob Onnie! This is yet another poem from you that I have read! Ok, now onto the real review. Here are some things that I had noticed from you since your last poem that you had written, Requiem of a Microbial Armada.
This poem, unlike Requiem of a Microbial Armada, has less errors than before, but still you add commas that are not used
This poem unlike Requiem of a Microbial Armada does not have any spelling errors or grammatical errors at all. Good job!
This poem was a lot shorter and also had quotes. What is wrong with the quotes is that you have one of them uncapitalized(The first sentence)
Some parts as shown in this shorter poem do have a couple of other errors that are not relevant to spelling errors nor grammatical errors. To be specific, one of your sentences is actually missing a word that does not make that line in that stanza make much sense at all. Overall, what you need to do with all of these problems as shown above is to omit the overused commas, missing word, and finally the uncapitlalized first word of one of your quotes that was shown in the poem itself. Also within one of the lines in the first stanza has a bit of a tense error.
Ok, ok. Here are the errors that you have, for you to get rid of these problems.
Begun in key, they quickly flare
This right here was a tense error. What is wrong with this blockquotes line is that every other line and stanza is written in present tense, yet in this line from the first stanza, it is actually written in past tense. You may want to watch for any tense problems such as switching from past to present tense in a work, regardless if it is prose, prose poetry, poetry itself, and plays. What happens when you switch tenses in a work is that a reader will actually become confused, and you do not want that, do you? You should write sentence a little like Beginning in key, they quickly flare in order to make the poem more sense. Also any overused commas should be omitted from this, but with the other things of the poem, I will leave to you, since you are the author.
“my life do spare,” said pleadingly
This is the sentence that I was alking about earlier in my critique that I talked about and hinted, which its first word of the sentence is not capitalized. Remember that rule of Language Arts that the first word in the sentence should be capitalized. In this case, what I am trying to say is, write the sentence a little like "My life do spare,".
All in all, the poem was good, but has much potential to be an even greater poem if you just do with the suggestions that I had given you before. I look forward to seeing this poem, only edited. Take care!
Hello again, Bob Onnie. I have come to critique again. For one, I do agree with Scott Suonpera's first line from his critique that the title of "Boomerang did seem a little out of place due to your lines of you poem not describing the poem's title, so maybe my suggesting as to removing it is to saying and editing the title intoi something like "The Beauty of Things" or something along those lines. Another problem that I have found in your poem's lines and stanzas is that they have periods. Normally and usually, such poems do not call for the use for periods, so you might want to go back to your poem and take them out. You should have your poem a little written more like this:
Clear, sliver notes fly through the air
Gilded by symphony
Begun in key, they quickly flare
Through heck, through Earth, through heaven's stair
Then back again, as never there
The work is done; men rise from chair
A seedling floats from reaching tree
To touch the Earth with whispered prayer:
"My life do spare" said pleadingly
the unborn babe. "I wish to see
the sunlit sky" it grew to
mountain tall cloud's jealousy
A wave is born from out of the blue
A white casacding force to brush
The sand then rushes to ocean true
All in all, the poem was good, but has much potential to be an even greater poem if you just do with the suggestions that I had given you before. I look forward to seeing this poem, only edited. Take care!
I just want to thank you for reading my poetry and I thought I would return a favor tonight. I also thank you for being a fan (smile) so I reciprocated your action.
The title Boomerang described your poem beautifully, I cheated I read your explanation a few critiques later. I get it, every verse was very well put together.
One lady stated that this poem had you in a dream state, I would agree, you have a way with words evidently. It had a very nice effect on the imagination.
The imagery was very nice, my style of writing.
I enjoyed the flow of the poem and the rhyme effect was on point, each stanza was very nicely done.
I have read one poem of yours before, but this poem would be one of the best in my eye. I look forward to more writes from you, be blessed.
Hello Bob Onnie, I am the newcomer here and browsed to see what's going and how I can 'play'. Found your poem and read the critiques and comments. Only quality can produce such a response! I, too, enjoyed reading your work and would love to contribute to making it even better. I know from bitter experience how stuck one can get and how one falls in love with one's own words, phrases and imagery.
There is very little I have to contribute save this:
I agree with those who feel that "boomerang" is a 'hard' word describing such gentle filigree images. A 'boomerang' is a weapon and simply shaped in such a way that an experienced user makes it return to his/her hands. What you are sending out to return are magical things. What you are discribing are rythms, eternal returns, repeats, homecomings, closing the circle ... stuff like that.
I'd keep the stanzas. Each one paints a different picture.
I also feel that that the line
The work is done; men rise from chair.
could be 'gentled'. When you say 'work' (even though it's, of course (a) a work of music and (b) musicians, in a way, are 'workers' ) it brings a heaviness to the gossamer wings on which the rest of that first stanza flies, and 'men rise from chair' reads rather forced. That line (in my opinion) needs some reworking.
For the rest? Loved it. Bob Onnie, you have beautiful thoughts. Thank you.
Hello, im writing this critique to ure poem, and im sorry to say that i suck at writing critiques for poems, so if it sucks im sorry. Well here goes...
At first i noticed ure title, and for me it didnt really match the opening, but it made up for it in the end. The mood of this poem really got me into reading it, i could really relate to the poems mood. The wording u used like talking about being the envy of the clouds was one of my favorite parts in the entire poem. i know that you're probably thinking the same thing that i am, i shouldnt be giving you tips about how to improve your writings, i mean ure a poet and im a novelist, we have different ways of writing...Also, ure a rank 628 and im a rank 20, so i would be kinda annoyed if some1 lower rank than me was giving me advice, but here it goes anyway, i dont think that you should change anything about thi poem, for a first draft, im really impressed.... usually poems like this are perfected on the 3rd or 4th draft but u mastered it on your first try...and for that i congragulate you.
This was pretty decent for a first draft work, though it does need touching up.
This is probably just my own inability to really interpret poems all that succesfully, but I wasn't really sure about what the theme of this poem is. The title "Boomerang" would suggest things returning to the way they are, maybe?
There was some good imagery in here. I enjoy how the poem begins, and the second part has potential, as does the third (it's probably just the whole ocean thing, and oceans in general begin to become something of a cliche).
The rhyme was done nicely for the most part, but there was one part that kind of bugged me in the beginning.
Then back again, as never there.
The work is done; men rise from chair.
"men rise from chair" sounds odd. I know it's said like that in an effort to keep the rhyme going, but saying "men" then "chair" kind of sounds like several men are sitting in one chair.
The grammar is consistent throughout, but the choice of wording in some parts doesn't flow well with the piece. Besides the "men" and "chair" thing mentioned earlier,
A seedling floats from reaching tree
To touch the earth with whispered prayer:
“my life do spare,” said pleadingly
the unborn babe. “I long to see
the sunlit sky.” It grew to be
a mountain tall, cloud’s jealousy.
Wording sounds off when I read through it. It doesn't flow as well as it could. The first part is fine, but the part where the seed is talking sounds out of order. “The unborn babe said pleadingly” could work, but I guess that's all up to what you are going for. I mean, it works within the context of the wording you use in the rest of the poem, but it really doesn't seem to have that flow. It achieves it sometimes, but loses it at parts like that.
Wish you the best of luck with further editing. Peace.
Again, a solid poem. I'm honestly enjoying your writing.
The title seems a little out of place to me. It fits in well with the poem as a whole, but for some reason it seems that it doesn't fit with the actual language of the poem. The descriptions are ephemeral, in a way. There are notes that pass through hell and earth (though metaphorical, I assume) with no substance; there's the whispered prayer of the seedling, and so on. The boomerang just seems too solid, too real, to fit in well with that sort of language.
At the end of the first stanza, "men rise from chair." seems a tad forced, but nothing too bad. It's not something that needs to be changed.
And, that's about it. I'm trying to tear it down, but it's very well-built. I especially like the playing with rhyme in the second and third lines of each stanza. That makes it much easier to read (as far as flow goes) and adds an interesting change.
I really like the last line. One thing that confused me for a moment was the fact that it's part of the last stanza (no period), and so I puzzled for a moment, trying to figure out where it was coming from. That's probably just me being an idiot though.
Sorry I'm not very helpful with this sort of thing, I've never taken a creative writing class, so figuring out things like this is a bit hard for me. I guess that coupled with the fact that you're very good makes me seem like I'm not doing anything. Write more bad poems so I can make fun of them.