so if that is a dream for anyone out there, then yes, we were living it. It was a dream to us, in those early dreamy years.

This part here doesn't feel concrete, like you want to take a stand, but don't really want to.  S ome cleaning up will makeit more so.

girlfriends is totally unexplainable

 

"totally" a bit Valley Girl and slang that doesn't fit the tone of the piece.

during a short span, yet difficult, period in my life.

I suggest moving "yet difficult" to after short..."during a short, yet difficult, period in my life."  Decreasing words.  Difficult and short are both being used to describe span and period...

I've been blessed with the ability to love again and I am now in another relationship; one of which is like no other seeing how we were friends for such a long time before becoming intimate. We are to be married November 1 of this year. He is great for the kids too.

All right...ONe minute you're married and now engaged.  I know what you meant, but people don't automatically assume divorce with grief (at least I don't.) That said, This bit above breaks from your topic, though it may be important to you, it's not about your relationship with women.

I definately think you have a fantastic ida for a piece, and you certainly have the talent to pull it off.  What I would recommend is creative organization.  As much as I hated it in school, I won't write anything without an outline anymore, plotting exactly what point I want to make and what example I'll use to show it.  Right now, you wander a bit from your topic, which was the reason I wanted to read this piece ( I can't even form "girlships" now in my 30's :>  Besides that, you have a nice conversational voice that translates well onto the page.  I hope we get to see more of your work.

Thanks

--Amber

Your first paragraph has a very good hook. It made me want to continue, so very good job there! I think that your prose has many strengths such as good voice and tone. I definitely enjoyed it. I think you rethink the structure of the prose and rearrange the paragraphs to make it stronger and clearer.

I didn't start having this kind of a relationship with women until I was well into my 30s, that is, once I had my fill of men.

I'm confused as to the meaning of this sentence. Are you saying that you didn't start belong to a clique until your thirties. Your group of friends are cruel and snippy like they belonged in high school. Clarify the type of relationship you had with these women earlier, so the reader can understand the parallel.

In the second paragraph, choose another way to get your point across, because in four sentences, you used the word dream, four times! Variation in word choice is a necessity. The last sentence adds nothing. By the way, maybe you should remove 'household'. "My husband and I were living the all-American, but I felt my life plateau." or something to that effect.

In the next paragraph, you don't need the word 'However'. It's reads better without it.

The connection between girlfriends is totally unexplainable and this mystery bond between us gals kept me sane for a time during a short span, yet difficult, period in my life.

Don't tell me, show me. I want to know what happened that made them important in the character's life. What kind of bond did you share with the gals. What do you and the gals do: shop, complain about men, gossip, go to church functions, have book clubs, movie nights. Show me something that they did.

I wish to continue with the line-by-line; however, I cannot. You have good material here, but remember that showing and not telling is very, very important. I see growth in the character and a lot of potential. Good luck with future drafts!

Have you ever belonged to a group of girls, a clique so to speak, but in your 30s and 40s instead of the little mean girls you knew in high school?

Following journalism structure, this is your lead. Most editors have told me it should be as brief and clear as possible. "group of girls, a clique so to speak" is two things describing the same thing.

Also, since you talk about "well into my 30s" in your next paragraph, the line preceding that reads "30s and 40s instead of the little mean girls" seems redundant.

This time in my life, I had been in a stable relationship with Mr. Right and we were living the all American household dream, I reckon.

We had a house, two kids, and our own business, so if that is a dream for anyone out there, then yes, we were living it. It was a dream to us, in those early dreamy years.

Just my suggestions...

However, after a decade of "playing house" I needed something more.

Could be its own paragraph. Good transition/thesis statement.

The connection between girlfriends is totally unexplainable and this mystery bond between us gals kept me sane for a time during a short span, yet difficult, period in my life.

They say time heals all and I understand that saying, today, after experiencing it time after time again in my own life, especially in these last three years.

This felt explainy. I know this article will be about this, but this generic "telly" statement comes a little too early with no examples preceding it.

During this trio of 365 days I've had the opportunity to deal with the dreaded emotion called grief. This is something I don't wish on even my fiancé’s ex girlfriend.

This initiates a good redirect of the article, and I think it should come right after "needed something more." It sufficiently suggests that the dream has withered away without outright saying it.

My girlfriends were right there for me during all of it; in front of me anticipating every need I may have, surrounding me in a wall of protection, but at the same time being honest with me about the realities of life and not letting me slip off into some sort of fantasy depression. They were there for me when I was in a daze and didn't know the truth from the false, in the beginning of the grieving process. Then at one point in time I stood up, looked around, and everyone was gone. They had rejoined their own lives, rightfully so, and thank God. With my girlfriends back in their own worlds, it forced me to make some decisions on my own, putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, learning to start living again.

Why not cite a few examples? Introduce us to one of your girlfriends. Be specific about one incident (that may suggest your breakup) and show us how one person stepped in and became that "wall of protection." Allow us to feel the temptation of a fantasy depression, and give us an example of what she said/did to ease the pain. Perhaps show us the room where you all meet. Is it a weekly gathering in someone's living room? A weekly trip to a favorite restaurant? If so, describe that setting very clearly and in detail. Allow the reader to sense the intimacy created in that specific setting.

A full time job landed in my lap, I've been with them now for nearly two years, and while it's not my dream job, it pays the bills.

I don't see where this particular fact connects to.

I've been blessed with the ability to love again and I am now in another relationship; one of which is like no other seeing how we were friends for such a long time before becoming intimate. We are to be married November 1 of this year. He is great for the kids too.

Tell us a story here. After you've shown us the intervention of that girlfriend, perhaps show us the meeting of this new man. We will infer that he is a good man and you're back on the road to intimacy. We'll be cheering for you by the time we hear you're getting married!

Continuing my education is somewhat fulfilling, I say somewhat because I can only do it one class at a time and I'd much rather do it full time and get it done.

I didn't see what this connected to, either.

Being restored to some sort of sanity, I've been able to see my role in the parenting of my children. I've seen my mistakes and have been given the opportunity to repair some damage. It is nothing major, it deals with discipline, or lack thereof from previous years - especially in the midst of the grieving years - I am grateful for each day that I see progress.

I think this needs a beat of its own. Introduce us to your children. But don't let us get too far away from your lead. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but your lead is about "belonging to a group of girls" correct? So the thematics of your article should continually come back to this sense of community as your life's driving force.

So yeah, there has been some growth in my life; growth that I did not seek out but forced upon me instead. Growth that I struggled with for a long time, fought tooth and nail, went kicking and screaming the whole way. Huge change did not sit well with me in the beginning but it is settling in and I'm adjusting.

I think this is a little excessive, because almost everyone (at least everyone I know) struggles with change. It's a part of life, and a tough one at that. We all know it, so repeating these as statements to us doesn't enhance the experience for the reader. That's more "Hallmark" than what I think you're trying to evoke.

This is where it begins to get a little murky with regards to the girlfriends. Experiencing all of this change has put a strain on time, life does move on after all, and trying to make time with the girlfriends was put on the back burner, by everyone involved.

I think this can all be boiled down to one strong transitional sentence.

On occasion we are able to get together but it is nothing like it once was, in the days where we would see each other at least 3 or 4 times during the week, being intimate in spiritual matters and sharing our lives as we experienced it. Our individual observation on worldly, sometimes divine, events helped keep each other open minded enough to learn something new on a regular basis.

This would work as long as you had that scene earlier where you described the setting of how you got together. Right now, I can't picture an image in my mind, so it doesn't carry the emotional impact of loss or nostalgia.

is now that I realize that perhaps some of us have grown apart, or so it seems. Is it that I have gotten so caught up in my own life, again, that I have forgotten from whence I came just a few short years ago? Or is it now that I have rejoined humanity, somewhat, I am looking at them with different eyes? I have a different outlook, a different perspective, or is it perception? At any rate, something is different. I think, maybe, it is just the natural progression of life. We all move on, growing up and out of our old skins, our own lives, continuing on whatever path we choose and if we are lucky we meet and get to experience soulful spirits in our lives for forever and ever and we get to watch them grow up, and yes, eventually grow away from us.

I don't want to belittle this section, but for a story or article, this (forgive me for saying so) prattles on a bit. I certainly understand what you're trying to say, and I respect the feelings behind it. They're very true sentiments. But these are the thoughts I feel you should be hoping to evoke in the reader-- and not to be expressly written. The best stories don't outright tell us, "the moral of the story is..." at the end. But when it's over, the audience walks away from the book/magazine/movie asking him/herself, "Man... let me reevaluate some things in my life!" So everything written here is valid... but I don't think it should be included. Pull off the rest of the stuff earlier and you'll capture the sense of this section without having to write it.

I think you have a good (and important) concept here. It wavers a little off theme now and then. I would recommend revising it, keeping in mind to center it on your lead/thesis. This is about "belonging to a group of girls in your 30s/40s." Is it about promoting that idea? Promoting the necessity of community? Just what would you like the reader to take away as a lesson for having read your piece? Keep that continually as your center and eventually you'll have something quite good!

 As a male who is still in his early twenties, I really could not really relate to this article very much. That being said, I still thoroughly enjoyed this read. I could sympathize with the story and the emotions that you were describing. I thought the article was very well written. A lot of critiques I have seen on here use the line by line template for the critique and they seem to be more directive on what words you should use where and when you don't need certain words. Don't listen to those people, this article was written in a very enjoyable manner that flowed very naturally and that is all that matters to a reader.

Since this is a critique, however, I will make at least one suggestion. Your opening may put off potential readers like me. When they read the line "Have you ever belonged to a group of girls..." you don't want someone to think to themselves "Well, no I haven't," because then they might lose interest in the rest of the article altogether and really miss out on a great read.

I would also like to learn a little more about what happened with you and "Mr. Right." If this is something too personal I could understand omitting it but it left me curious and wanting to know what happened as I read through it.

Overall, I really enjoyed this article. It offered me a glimpse of what life might have in store for myself decades from now and for that, I am grateful.