C.A.,

This work was well-written, and touched on some very important keys that many families should reflect on probably a day-to-day basis. You opened it with capturing the child-like curiosity in this reader.

I very much related with the daughter's character as a pre-adored, perfectly-thought-of-innocent-girl until tweenage years strike... and then come black-outs between mother and child.

“Mother! Did you hear one single word I said?” Jenna’s voice suddenly intercepted.

“What’s that dear? No, I’m afraid I didn’t hear you.”

How many times has an offspring heard that line of disconnect from a parent? It sobered me up about my own relationship with both my mother and grandmother. 

By the way, an editor would probably claim you have near-perfect grammar- but there's a comma missing in that first line.

I felt like this anecdote followed the lines of material I've read in college composition. Like Nancy L Hadaway, Anne Marie Kraus, and other fine folk, you sewed together some painful, but beautiful imagery of what a woman goes thru in the loss and disconnection of a loved one.

Nice work.  

Hello c.a.

I appreciate the start you have on this story.  This is the type of work that I have never been able to try.  Down to earth, emotional, real.  The best parts are the more subtle touches that you bring into it.  When your writing about reality it all comes down to the details and you have chosen some very telling details.

In areas of improvement, I think the main thing that confused me as a reader is the viewpoint shifts.  I will address these more in the rundown, but basically you seem to switch among three different narrative viewpoints, a narrator, a limited view from Jenna's Mother and a limited view from Jenna herself.  This leads to some confusion as your reading.

Here's the rundown:

She had a difficult time finally settling into the chair. Jenna finally decided on the criss-cross applesauce position, a position that only a youthful teen could pull off. Currently she was grinding her chocolate ice cream dessert in the bowl making it into a drinkable slush.

Criss-cross applesauce/drinkable slush - these are the fine details I mentioned above. I would start that first sentence with Jenna because at this point the reader is just trying to picture the scene.  By using she first the impression is made that there are two people in the room trying to sit.

The girl had just gotten out of the shower; her hair was still wet and combed straight back. When her hair was wet it was difficult to see why it was normally the envy of others, the brightness of a hued sunset that it was.

Again, switching to "the girl" so soon creates some confusion.  It seems that there is yet another girl in the room and this one has just gotten out of the shower while Jenna ate her ice cream.

Jenna was the good girl, the perfect daughter. Her mother could not imagine her turning into a monstrous teenager that everyone told her to be aware of now that she had a 13 year old. The change hasn’t happened yet.

Here we have the first viewpoint shift.  The first portion of the story is told by an omniscient narrator apparently observing the girl.  Now the mother's thoughts come in.  Is she watching Jenna? If so this needs to be established earlier.  Also since the story is in past tense I think the "hasn't" in the last line should be "hadn't."

There were no signs of abuse.

Woah! This is quite the assumption for a mother to make about her husband and father to her child.  We still seem to be in Mom's head, so would she really think something like that.  The only reasons I can think are that she is searching desperately for an answer to her daughter's reaction (in which case it needs more development) or the Mother knows there was abuse (again more development needed).

she anguished over what to tell the children to expect at the funeral.

For the sake of simplicity it might be better if Jenna was an only child.  Either that or these other children need to figure in more heavily to the story.

Jenna’s mom didn’t particularly care for this friend Gina but she trusted her daughter’s judgment when it came right down to it. She has proven herself, before, to be a good kid when presented with peer pressure. And there really wasn’t anything too drastic about this Gina friend but there was something that her mother just couldn’t put her finger on that she didn’t like. Maybe it was her poor grammar, or the way she tried to talk like a different ethnicity, or maybe it was because she was loud and didn’t seem all that bright. Nonetheless, she didn’t see any harm in having her over, and besides, maybe Jenna would be a good influence on Gina.

Gina is an interesting character.  I don't know what she's doing in this story.  How does Jenna's selection of Gina as a friend inform us about her withheld grief?

It was 6:20 in the evening, on a Friday. After Jenna finished slurping down her chocolate, the now thoroughly blended milkshake-in-a-bowl, she sprinted upstairs to don her skating rink attire. Jenna quickly blow dried her long auburn colored hair and smeared on a sparkly shade of peach lip gloss.

Some more wonderful details.  Also were back to the omniscient narrator who knows what's going on upstairs while the Mom is downstairs.

When she returned down stairs, excited and eager to get going, her mother was standing in the kitchen. She was on the phone but wasn’t saying much except for the occasional “yes” and “uh huh” while nodding her head in agreement with whoever was on the other end. Jenna glanced at the clock and then again at her mother who didn’t give much of an indication of getting off the phone anytime soon to take her to the skating rink.

And now we shift to Jenna's point of view, where we get to see in her head.  At the very least this should be set off as a new scene.  It's also incredibly hard to pull off so many different viewpoints in a short story, nevermind flash fiction.

Silence followed them for a few miles until Jenna eventually said, “Mom, do you remember when Daddy would imitate Aaron Neville and it always cracked us up?” Jenna’s mom didn’t know how to react. She was stunned and could feel the stinging in her eyes as the tears started to well up. “Oh Jenna, yes I do. I remember so much about your dad. Sometimes I forget that he is no longer with his, that he is dead. Sometimes I think he is just out of town.” As soon as it came out of her mouth she knew she shared too much. She looked over just in time to see Jenna wipe a tear from her cheek.

A beautiful moment that I would like to see played out more.  So often grief is accompanied by joy.  I would love to see them attempting the impression and laughing together before the crying comes.  Thanks to your descriptions, these characters are real to me.  I want to see them go through this catharsis.  I want to experience it with them.

I guess that's it.  I apologize for spending so much time on the viewpoint thing, but I think it is a big problem easily fixed.   My suggestion: Stay inside the Mother's head from beginning to end. What we get from Jenna doesn't illuminate much and the narrators stuff can easily be moved over to the Mother.  Then it becomes the story of a parent contemplating their changing child and how the one thing that should have changed her didn't.  The end then would resolve the Mystery of Jenna and provide a good conclusion.

I hope that is helpful to you.  I would love to read another draft.  This story needs more than the 1000 words (I have that same problem).

-Ben

Hi CAM,

I would rework this story from beginning to end. I would massage the beginning couple paragraphs something like this:

Jenna was the perfect daughter. No one could imagine that this thirteen year old would turn into a monster. The change hadn’t happened yet.

Normally Jenna’s hair was the brightness of a sunset, but because she had just gotten out of the shower it was wet and combed straight back. When it was like this it was difficult to see why it was the envy of others.

Jenna had a difficult time settling into her chair, and then finally deciding on the criss-cross applesauce position, which only a youthful teen could pull off. She began grinding her bowl of chocolate ice cream dessert, making it into a drinkable slush.

I’d then go through and maul it all bit w/ various corrections and print it out and read it aloud–to someone sympathetic and who can offer truthful and sound suggestions—it helps a lot.

Next is some of that ‘mauling’:

Her mother did worry worried about Jenna, not because she was now a teenager, . It was but because she never talked about her father, who had died three years ago. An His unexpected death that affected everyone differently, but Jenna showed no signs of grief. It was life as usual for her.

Etc. . .you get the point.

I find the flip/flop of the point of view(s) too distracting for a Flash Fiction. I would suggest dropping the mother’s point of view. Perhaps use only the narrator’s point of view and develop Jenna more deeply with more of her inner voice, as well as showing her outer actions.

I commend you for your story idea. I love to read and write stories like this. The emotion of a lost parent is going to bring deep feelings to the surface that all readers can connect with. Bring it on, make me cry, (it’s really not too difficult) and get me to reach for the Kleenex box.

The development of the mother/daughter relationship is wonderful. You have a good plot that moves the characters forward.

There is enough description and good pacing to keep me reading. I enjoyed the story very much, except for some stylistic incongruousness’ and the shifting point of views.

I would love to see the story later as a short story or novella.

~K

I don't normally like this kind of "slice-of-life" touchy-feely stuff, but this was done pretty well.

There were a couple of issues, though most of them could easily be fixed with some proof-reading and a future draft:

She had a difficult time finally settling into the chair. Jenna finally decided on the criss-cross applesauce position, a position that only a youthful teen could pull off. Currently she was grinding her chocolate ice cream dessert in the bowl making it into a drinkable slush.

Who is "She"?  Name characters first, and then you can go to pronouns once the reader knows who you're talking about.  In fact, these sentences could probably be merged into one: "After fidgeting in the chair for a while, Jenna finally..." or something similar.  ""Currently" is a bit weird, though I can't put my finger on why.

Someone alread pointed out "the girl" as being weird.  You've just introduced Jenna as a young girl, so you probably don't need to define her that way.

When her hair was wet it was difficult to see why it was normally the envy of others, the brightness of a hued sunset that it was.

Weird because coupled with the rest of the sentence it implies her hair was this colour when wet.

Jenna was the good girl, the perfect daughter. Her mother could not imagine her turning into a monstrous teenager that everyone told her to be aware of now that she had a 13 year old. The change hasn’t happened yet.

Some tense disagreement here, bolded to highlight it.

Her mother did worry about Jenna but not because she was now a teenager. It was because she never talked about her father who had died three years ago. An unexpected death that affected everyone differently but Jenna showed no signs of grief. It was life as usual for her and it concerned her mother greatly.

Could do with a comma in that first sentence after "Jenna".  "It was because" is probably redundant a bit.  The reader'll figure it out on their own.  Starting a sentence with "An unexpected death" is kind of weird.  It's more of a fragment than a regular sentence.  I'm not too sold on "It was life as usual for her", either.

Her dad and Jenna had a good relationship, a normal and typical father-daughter relationship.

Are these two types of relationship the same?  Perhaps instead of saying it was normal and typical you could mention some specific examples of why it was good.

She was a daddy’s girl and Michael gave his undivided and unconditional love to everyone in the close knit family

A couple of contradictions here.  "Daddy's girl" implies a bit that she was his favourite, but then it says he gave equal attention to everybody else.  (which, pedantically speaking, would make it divided).  I agree with Ben, maybe she should become an only child.  Nobody else seems to be around, after all.  The fact that she doesn't seem to be phased by a full 1/3 of her family disappearing would be a lot more upsetting, as well.

Her mother has never ever forgotten those words and she draws upon them from time to time for encouragement in her own personal struggle with his death.

The present tense sneaks up again!  Maybe "Her mother never forgot..."  "never ever" is a little trite, so you could probably cut the "ever"  Incidentally, does her mother have a name?  Maybe calling her by it would be good instead of constantly referring to her by her relationship to Jenna.  The woman herself probably doesn't think of herself that way, at least, so if nothing else when the viewpoint is more hers, using her name would probably be good.

 “Mother! Did you hear one single word I said?” Jenna’s voice suddenly intercepted.

“What’s that dear? No, I’m afraid I didn’t hear you.”

“I asked if Gina could spend the night, after we go skating, can she come over and spend the night?”

“Yes, of course she can.”

Although it's not grammatically proper, I love that third sentence.  It really makes it seem like a breathless thirteen year old is asking for her friend to stay the night.  It's a bit at odds with calling her mom "Mother", though.  "Mother" implies formality to me, and stuffy upper-class type people.  More commas!  "What's that, dear?"  (Note that commas are the most contentions form of punctuation ever and nobody agrees on them)

It was 6:20 in the evening, on a Friday

Kind of weird.  Why does this suddenly get mentioned about 2/3 of the way through the story?

long auburn colored hair

Kind of redundant.  Everybody should know that auburn is a colour.

Jenna's waiting patiently doesn't seem like any thirteen year old I've ever known (or most adults for that matter), but I guess this is so you can show how good a kid she is.  It could do with a bit of a re-write though

Jenna decided to wait patiently on the couch because she learned a long time ago that no amount of begging and pleading with her mother would get

This is a long run-ony sentence.  "decided" is a bit weird, and I don't care much for that "because"  Pedantic moment: "she HAD learned a long time ago"

She couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her mother when she was in one of her moods, so she resigned for the moment. She certainly didn’t want to be the motive to another one of her mother’s emotional swings.

A sudden dark overtone!  But the mom has seemed pretty normal up to now.  More information, perhaps?

Finally her mother hung up the phone and retrieved her purse and car keys. She motioned to Jenna to head for the door

Getting the purse and keys would probably be enough to get Jenna waiting at the door for her.  She's about to go roller skating and have her friend over, after all.  She ought to be eager to go!

“Oh Jenna, yes I do. I remember so much about your dad. Sometimes I forget that he is no longer with his, that he is dead. Sometimes I think he is just out of town.

The style of the dialogue doesn't match too well with its content.  Especially "he is dead" or 'he is no longer with us"  I don't think someone in this kind of grief would be speaking like this.  Maybe I'm wrong, though?  (also, typo: "no longer with his")

A bit more pedantry and I'll leave you alone

As soon as it came out of her mouth she knew she shared too much.

Should be "knew she HAD shared too much"

Overall, Not a bad start!  A little more proof-reading and polish, and I think this'll turn out to be a wonderful read!

 This is a very interesting piece.  I found myself caught up in the language a lot, and it was nice to be carried away.  I felt as though I really got to know Jenna during the first few paragraphs; you put in some key details that really made her come to life.  I felt as though your characterization was an exceptional strength to this piece.

At parts, the piece felt a little bit choppy.  There were a couple of sections where there were back to back to back short sentences that made it feel more like a shopping list than a story.  I don't know if that makes sense.   Try combining some of those short sentences to make a more fluid idea come to life. 

I still had a lot of questions at the end of the story.  Are you planning to continue this work, or is it meant to be an independent piece?  As an independent piece, I kind of flet as though there wasn't enough closure.  I felt as though more needed to be said in order to flesh out the internal conflict that was going on inside of the mother.  As it is, the story feels a little bit flat becuase I never really feel what the mother is feeling.  The only glipse that we get is at the scene where she is opening the door to the bathroom...and it is cut short.  I think that this can be an effective tool, but in this story it felt a little bit forced, especially because you never went back to it to let us know what happened?  Just a few of those key areas seem to need some tightening to really make the story flow better.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this piece.  Hope these suggestions are helpful!