Hello Cathy Carlson. I would like to say that I thank you for helping me of the stories Heart Break and Tragic Hearts Chapter 3: A Twist of Fate Love, and Lies, so in return I will try to help you. I does need a lot of work, but not to the point where it needs a complete rewrite. Here are the parts that I think that you should fix a bit, either because your fingers danced on the incorrect parts of the keyboard, thus making you do a bunch of slippery typos:

Not a very glamorous job, but in this town, and with only a high school education, all I could get.. 

 

The end of the sentence with the two periods is the part that you will need to fix a lot! Just take out one of the periods is all that you have to do is all. Also where it says "and only with a high school education, all I could get." That does not make a lot of sense. In order for it to make sense, put the words "It is" next to the part in the sentence to where it says "all I could get" in order for it to say "It is all I could get" in order for it to make sense to readers.

We're supposed to get raises after we've put in six months, and proven ourselves. 

The part where it says "and proven oursleves" you should put "and so we've (Or we have. I am giving the choices to you since you are the author.) "proven ourselves. Oh and does the contraction We're meaning we were? It should, because anything written into a story like ninety nine percent of the time should be written in past tense, so make sure by just rereading it. And the "put in six months" thing, I am not very very sure about. I think that you should put in "after we've worked for six months". That could clear up the the possible confusion that will arouse in some readers when reading that sentence.

I'm off work, or if I get home early, they're always running through the house like the demons of hell are chasing them.

 

The word hell should be capitalized. When referring to a place of anything like New York, Rhode Island, The Empire State Building or otherwise, anything written as a place should be capitalized, so hell should be written exactly like Hell.

I know they're excited to see me and just want their fair share of attention, but I can barely schlep in the door before they're throwing themselves at me, asking to play ball, video games, or hide and seek

 

The word schelp. What is schlep is not any word that I have ever heard of! Are you sure that you are talking about or possibly even trying to spell the word sleep? For spelling errors like this, I would suggest cpoying this and pasting this on Microsoft Word or Processor. That way you can find any spelling error that there is in your story, guarantee!

 Then when I felt in control and calm again, I would touch them again, and say, "You re normal again." 

You re is a contraction. So write it like You're so that it can make prefect sense.

It began when my supervisor told me I was too slow, and not getting enough belts done in the allotted time period; so he fired me.

 

In the part where it says so he fired me, you should not need a semicolon, there, you should put a comma in there.

"Can I have a dollar, Dad/"  "Mr, Gran, can Jerry stay over tonight? Mrs. Grant said to ask you."

 

Between both quotations, you should not have to put a slash in the middle of them both. You should say something like "Can I have a dollar, Dad?" or "Mr Gran, can Jerry stay over tonight? Mrs. Grant said to ask you." Oh and also see hoe I put a question mark on my suggestion. You missed that too along with your quotation problem. All in all, this was a very good story that you have written,so thanks for sharing. All you need to do is reread your work to see if anything should be fixed or better yet copy and paste it on Microsofy Word or Processor. Take care and I hope that you do my suggestions!

I know they're excited to see me and just want their fair share of attention, but I can barely schlep in the door before they're throwing themselves at me, asking to play ball, video games, or hide and seek.

Mmm  going off the critique before me 'schlep' is a word. Means clumsy, awkward. But its not a very popular word.

But anyway, putting aside the technical bits cause Ariadne went through them quite thoroughly, its an interesting concept. The whole "midas touch" thing. Wanting something, and then regretting getting it.

you do switch tenses a lot. It messes with the point of view. Mmm maybe thats not the right phrase. Im saying like is the story being told after the fact? Like in the moments before he touches and "freezes" himself. Cause this kinda wording here

If only everyone would be still and quiet for just a few minutes, until I can take a breath and gather my thoughts after a hectic day at the factory

present tense

and again

I don't think I can last six months.

I think the beginning needs to be more reflective. The present would be him freezing his family.

Like here. I'll change a bit of the first paragraphs.

Did you ever have one of those days where life just doesn't seem worth living and everything gets on your last nerve? Well, that's me. All day, everyday... How does one support a wife and five kids on a minimum wage salary? You don't. Thats how.

I don't sleep very much much, I have no appetite, and my temper lately has been as short as my buzz hair cut. I work for what seems like twenty hours a day, but in reality, is probably only about ten to twelve. Its not glamorous, working in the Garment factory,on the conveyor line, putting together womens belts. But in this town -with only a high school education, it's all I could get.. We're supposed to get raises after we've put in six months, proven ourselves, but I don't think I can last six more weeks. The tedium is getting to my head during the day, and the world around me is starting to take on a surreal quality when I'm not at work, probably due to lack of sleep.

Mmm but I dont know.

I also think that you should expand the actual freezing part a bit. You never clearly say that he froze them. And I think you should. I think its like the biggest part of the story and you glazed over it. The begiining aprt is all his desperation for silence, something almost everybody can relate to, you just need to balance it out more. What about the relief that came from the silence? and then the agony from being able to undo it?

This has got a lot of potential and i hope you do fix it up.

 hi, cathy--

what an intriguing idea! i've always been drawn to the idea that our minds could control matter, so this story is right up my alley. you definitely have a stream-of-consciousness style, which can be good depending on what you're trying to accomplish with tone and intensity.

Did you ever have one of those days where life just doesn't seem worth living and everything gets on your last nerve? Well, that's me.  How can a guy support a wife and five kids on a minimum wage salary? I don't sleep much, have no appetite, and my temper is as short as my buzz hair cut.

     I work what seems like twenty hours a day, but in reality, is probably only about twelve, but that's long enough.  The factory I work in is a Garment Factory. 

your character's voice comes through loud and clear right from the beginning. we get a sense this guy isn't concerned with larger perspectives, but that his experience shapes everyone around him (in his own mind). this makes perfect sense for the story and what happens later. i did mark through some of the above text as a suggestion for tightening the writing (which you could do throughout the story). the word 'hair' seemed extraneous, that someone telling you about himself like this would assume 'buzz cut' is clear enough. i underlined 'seems', thinking the word 'feels' fit better with this guy's aesthetic, but that's a judgement you could make best, of course.  i underlined the G and F of 'garment factory', because i don't know if this is a proper noun, or if you intended it as one. if not, the words wouldn't be capitalized. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just walk around and touch each frantic, hyperactive person on the head and say,"Be quiet and still as a statue."

 oh, we've all wanted to be able to work this kind of magic, haven't we? i love the idea. your wording is so carefully chosen the phrase comes across as magical, as if this hapless man stumbled across a universal secret by dint of wanting. it stands out as something he wouldn't naturally express that way, and this adds to the mystical quality of later events. grammatically, i think you need a space after the comma before the quotations above (underlined bit). words like 'just', 'very', 'so' don't usually add to writing; they can distract from the essential point, and slow down the pace/intensity. this story takes place for the most part in the recent past, the current moment being the protagonist explaining how he got into his desperate situation. he's upset right now, and a relaxed, 'loose' tone doesn't contribute to setting this feel for the story. i'd suggest tightening the writing overall, keeping in mind his maddened state. 'frantic' and 'hyperactive' are close to synonyms--you may not need both words here.

It began when my supervisor told . . .

as a rule, i try not to start sentences with the word 'it'. 'It' is a lost opportunity to find a more powerful way to tell your story.

. . . just a "You're fired!" 

hmm. you may want to doublecheck grammatical rules regarding quotations. looks to me you need a comma before the first quotation mark, and maybe even cut out the 'a'? (that's not grammar, just another suggestion.)

My jugular pounded dangerously in my neck, my face felt hot, and my eyes stared straight ahead in shock.

this is a great image. vivid, strong, physical. i had a gut reaction to this. you use the senses well here. i italicized 'jugular' because i'm torn about it. such a powerful word, closely linked with mortality and lifeblood, but i'm not sure we could actually feel our jugular in our neck. we can feel our pulse, our heartbeat, even our blood pounding...i dunno. it's a great word, but a bit distracting from the image.

I didn't mean it, and I certainly didn't think any thing would happen, not really.  After all, it was only a fantasy.  How could I know?

this story is the protagonist's tale, told in immediate, personal first person perspective, so we can expect to be told rather than shown a good chunk of what's going on. it's all filtered through this person's senses and understanding. i wonder if you could find a way to bring your readers closer by showing some of the story, too. what actions could this guy take to show he felt remorse for what he's done to his family? we might feel more connected and sympathetic, if we could experience part of the story with him.

. . . asking"Can I have a dollar, Dad/"  "Mr, Gran, can Jerry stay over tonight? Mrs. Grant said to ask you."

another quotations issue...with the grammar rules. spacing and comma needed after 'asking', and the typo'/' where you'd want a '?'. when characters speak, you'll want to start a new paragraph for each person. (here's a great site for checking out sticky grammar do's and don't's: http://www.edufind.com/english/grammar/ 

. . . migrane . . .

a spelling error. s/b 'migraine'.

My arm turned grey and cold.  I leaned back on the couch and felt the stiffness take over my body.  My mind froze, as I took my last breath.

another great sensory experience--i could feel and see what this man went through as he faded away. great! one weird thing: telling a story in first person perspective implies the protagonist survived the experience they're imparting to the reader. the fact this guy died and then told us about it is contradictory...unless you're not telling us something? is there more to this story? if you continued to a new chapter after ending the first like this, that would be awesome!

you've written a creative and fun story, cathy--i couldn't guess how it would end or how this guy would get himself out of his situation as i read; i had to find out what happened!  i hope you continue working on this--please let me know if you'd like a new critique after editing. i'd be happy to give it another read.

thanks for writing and posting your work!

Wow, I feel a bit redundant writing this critique as you already have three great critiques here for your use.  However, I really enjoyed the story and would like to jump in and help you make it even better if possible.  I will try to avoid some of the points that have already been made and focus on the other things that I noticed.

First of all Laurie is right on in her critique of the language and images.  She's really good at finding and pointing to people's strengths and I've been lucky enough to have her critique some of my works.  What she says is absolutely true, you have some really strong scenes and a well defined character here.

Some specific things that I would like to see:

Did you ever have one of those days where life just doesn't seem worth living and everything gets on your last nerve?

Starting a story with a common expression is a bit dangerous, unless you can really turn it on it's head.  For some readers the first line is all you can get so jump right in there with a hook.

How can a guy support a wife and five kids on a minimum wage salary? I don't sleep much, have no appetite, and my temper is as short as my buzz hair cut. I work what seems like twenty hours a day, but in reality, is probably only about twelve, but that's long enough. The factory I work in is a Garment Factory. I work on the conveyor line, putting together women's belts. Not a very glamorous job, but in this town, and with only a high school education, all I could get.. We're supposed to get raises after we've put in six months, and proven ourselves. I don't think I can last six months.

This part really got me.  It's the writer's job to make the characters seem like they live beyond the page, but with this description I just couldn't wrap my head around where this guy comes from.  How has he survived up till now with 5 kids and no job.  If he's had this job less than 6 months, what did he do before that.  Is he a failed rock star that finally had to settle down and that's why this is his first job, even though he is far out of high school?  This character's strong voice is just crying out for a backstory and it's a great opportunity to add another layer to your work.

Sometimes, I wish I could just walk around and touch each frantic, hyperactive person on the head and say,"Be quiet and still as a statue."

This phrase is so specific and artistic that it seems out of place for this narrator.  Perhaps you could tie it in to a game he used to play as a child.  Maybe he loved freeze tag and never got over the power of being able to instantly freeze someone.  Seize every opportunity to make your protagonist's life more specific.

I didn't mean it, and I certainly didn't think any thing would happen, not really. After all, it was only a fantasy. How could I know?

Not actually the same point as Laurie made but similar.  Here you are establishing that the story is being told after the family had been frozen and therefore before he has frozen himself.  At some point the story gets ahead of the telling.  This can be confusing for a reader.

After I calmed down, and my migrane had subsided a bit, I went back to touch them all again and change them back. My wife was first. I touched her and said "You're normal again." but nothing happened, nothing at all. I tried the same process with the kids and Prissy and Shannon, touching each one over and over again and repeating the phrase. Nothing could turn them back. They were all captured in that one instant of life, and I couldn't bring them back.

This is a great moment.  This story reminds me of an episode of the Outer Limits or the Twilight Zone.  It really hits all our deepest fears.  I would love to see you play this up even more.  For example, perhaps he really does wish, just once, that they would be still forever.  This would make the ending even more painful because he truly asked for it.  Right now I don't think what he is asking for is too selfish.  If you can push it just a little farther it will be come a true morality play.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful.  This is a very different critique for me because so much of what I would have said was already covered by the others.  It really is a great draft and I would love to see what you do with it when you take it further.  Let me know when you revise it and thanks for sharing it with us.

-Ben

 I like your opening. Starting with a question is a great way to draw people in. 

and my temper is as short as my buzz hair cut.

I like this line. It gives the reader information about his personality AND his looks, and manages to tie them together. For some reason the phrase "buzz hair cut" sounds awkward to me. Maybe say "buzz cut hair" instead? I'm not sure why that's sounds better - probably just me.

My wife too, is clamoring for my attention to discipline the kids, or take out the garbage, or tells me that one of my kids beat up the neighbor's kid again.

For comma-related and parallelism-related issues, this sentence could instead read, "My wife, too, is clamoring for my attention to discipline the kids, take out the garbage, or deal with the fact that one of my kids beat up the neighbor's kid again."

When you talk about tapping people on the head and saying "You're normal again," this doesn't make sense to me. I think the "again" should be "now," since the point is that they didn't start out normal.

I notice throughout that you seem to link multiple phrases together to make sentences with lots of commas. This results in some run-on sentences. If you split some of them up, I think it would flow better overall. Example:

My head almost hits the wall behind me, hard enough to cause a concussion, but I wouldn't be so lucky.

Typos:

Storming out of the factor,

It seems that should read "factory."

Once, inside, all the kids started babbling

The first comma shouldn't be there.

asking"Can I have a dollar Dad/" "Mr, Gran, can Jerry stay over tonight? Mrs. Grant said to ask you."

Corrected: asking, "Can I have a dollar, Dad?" and, "Mr. Grant, can Jerry stay over tonight? Mrs. Grant said to ask you."

Some proof reading will probably correct most of the problems. One last thing:

All I knew, was that I had a migraine that wouldn't stop without exploding my head into pieces.

Punctuation-wise, the comma is unnecessary. Also, and this is really just a picky thing that bugs me, explode is not a transitive verb. Things explode, but they aren't exploded; they're blown up. Again, I'm just being picky.

Okay. I didn't mean to pick apart the piece - I truly did enjoy it. I especially like the ending. I liked how his fantasy was his undoing. The idea is good and the progression is good. The grammar and flow, however, are a little distracting. If you just clean it up a little bit, I think it would be very good.

just one notable mistake...

"Not a very glamorous job, but in this town, and with only a high school education, ((it was)) all I could get.." 

good story. In the end, you don't necessarily say the man killed them. You instead use the quote "be quiet and still as a statue" as a symbol for what might have been a homocidal frenzy of bottled rage. the character does not seem to recall these actions, and even if he did, he does not recount them. this displays the degree of shame in his actions. In the end, when he dies, you don't really specify how it happens though. Does he simply die, or was there an action of self-termination that we miss, like when he kills his family?

maybe im just looking into it too hard. Maybe in his desperate wishes for calm, he somehow gained a "golden touch" that instead turned people to stone. I'm not sure if you're going for the symbologic approach or the simple approach. I its different depending on how you look at it. Either way, great piece.