hi, cathy--

great bones to this story! i love the premise, and you've created some creepy scenes. let's begin: 

  If I hadn't gone into that antique shop, my whole life would have been different.

this is an effective first line--i was drawn in, curious about the antique shop and how it changed your life. antiques are fabulous for ghost stories; so much vibe and history to them!

If I had only passed by that shop, but I'm just lucky they caught me before I went any further.  The truth was I didn't by pass the shop. 

these sentences read as a bit redundant, as if you don't quite trust your readers to be intrigued by the start of the story. you could probably cut these entirely.

I went in, and after shuffling through the bits and pieces of other peoples' lives, I almost gave up on finding anything of interest.  If only I had given up. 

i like your description of the various antiques as bits of people's lives. nice. again, you're trying too hard, here. just show us what happened, move on to the story. i'd delete the sentence scored through above.

It was thick sterling silver, with green stones embedded on top.  They might have been emeralds, but it was hard to tell, since the ring was so tarnished and dull.

great description! i can see this ring, feel its heft. i wanna rub on it, see if i can get it to shine a bit.

I saw a dark expression begin in her eyes and drip down to the rest of her features.  She set her mouth in a thin grim line, lips pursed at the corners.

i can see what you're aiming for with this, but i think it's an awkward word choice. 'drip down' jumps out at me as incongruous, and distracts me from picturing how this woman's facial expression is shifting sour. i think you've done a great job with the next sentence, though. i can see her face clearly, feel her disapproval. well done.

After I assured her it was, she dropped it into my palm without a word.

after we find out later this clerk was uneasy with this ring, feared it, even--and was about to dispose of it and take a monetary loss because of the creepiness, i'm not sure she would touch it herself, or drop it into a customer's hand. she seems angry with our protagonist, and i'm not sure if that was your intention. if it was, we may want to know why.

":Thirty dollars." The woman avoided looking at me, and seemed very frightened.  I didn't know what to make of her, but I knew I wanted that ring.  It seemed to have an aura about it.  I pulled out the money and handed it to her. As she rang it up on the cash register, I asked her how old it was. I could tell she didn't want to talk about the ring at all, but felt obligated to.

     "I purchased it as one of many items in an estate sale.  I've sold everything from that sale, except this ring.  I was told when I bought it, that the ring was cursed.  Of course, I didn't believe in curses then, but I've had trouble selling it. And when I'm alone in the shop, I hear things, strange things that seem to come from this ring.  I must warn you.  Please, you can have anything else in the case for the same price, but don't take that ring.  As a matter of face, I was just about ready to get rid of it before you came in.  I was just going out back to throw it away in the dumpster.  No one should get near that thing."

 

you've got a wee typo before 'thirty', and another with 'face'. i'd like to know what made your MC (main character) think the clerk was frightened--what she saw or felt to get this impression. i think the clerk's cautionary story would work better at the display case, as the customer showed her interest. you've also a pretty large chunk of continuous speaking, here. perhaps break it up a little, add some direction for the characters--when i write this stuff, i try to imagine how people move around as they talk--gestures, fidgeting, busy work, etc. we rarely stand stock still, whatever else we're up to.

Back then, I didn't believe in curses, witchcraft or voodoo, and I told her so.  I told her that I didn't want anything else in the case again, and to please let me have it.  She did, but made me give her my name, address and phone number, so she could check up on me periodically and make sure I was alright.

i think this section would work better as actual conversation. bring us along, show us what happened, rather than tell us later. we want to experience your story so we can feel it, too. as if it's happening to us, you know? also, be ruthless with editing. if a phrase or sentence doesn't move the story forward, change it or kill it. i'm not sure about the 'made me' wording. she may have asked, or pleaded, but 'made me' sounds a little juvenile, and i think your MC is older than that. the underlined segment 'my name...' could probably be tightened to 'contact information' or something similar.

 It all began four days after I bought that ring.  When strange things began happening, I wanted to get rid of it, especially after I saw what it could do.  But the truth was I was afraid.   It began with a little voice in my head saying"Don't take this ring off, except to bathe and before washing your hands.  You must wear it at all times.

aha. okay, we're getting to the scary stuff. i think the best horror gives us details. detailed, in-the-moment descriptions of what's frightening. the strange things you mention--what were they? be specific. take us with you into the dark; scare us. how did this character feel, wearing the ring? how'd the metal feel around her finger? i like the voice in her head insinuating itself into her psyche--who is it? is the ring possessed by its last victim? a demon? give that personality a specific voice of its own. maybe it even peppers its command with words from other languages, and our MC has to research to discover the meaning. i'd like to see the ring insist it must NEVER be removed. ever. whatever that ring wants with this new wearer, i don't think it's looking out for her welfare. but, that's my take. you can do so many awesomely creepy things with this--go wild!

Then I became obsessed with taking the thing off my finger, at times other than washing.  That's all I could think about. 

what happened to create this obsession? why the sudden shift?

I stood in front of the mirror gazing  at my bare finger and feeling a sense of empowerment and relief.  It was off. The damned thing was finally off and nothing had happened.  Holding my hand up to the mirror, I could see the line the ring had made on my finger. 

i like this moment--it feels real, and the detail about your MC noting the line on her finger is human, as well as good foreshadowing. nicely done!

My blond hair had turned an auburn shade, and I wore a white blood stained dress.  Quickly, I grabbed the ring from the table and pushed it back on my finger.  The eerie reflection was gone, and I was alone once more, gazing at my familiar image.

okay, hold the phone!! what just happened?? this was damned creepy, and we need to know what the frick is going on. more, please!

My dreams seeped into my reality at night, nearly every night.  There were dreams of myself in a little cabin by myself.  A dead man laid in bed with me.  The man was headless and gore oozed out of the stump that once had been his head.  I screamed, woke up, and looked at the ring on my finger.  It glowed a reddish green color

more great detail, with the headless man and the glowing ring. i think this would be stronger with a little tightening. i'm unclear about 'into my reality', what you're meaning. i also would like to know why the MC immediately looks at her finger when she wakes up--does she feel it doing something? does she just see the light of the glow?

My dreams seemed endless, and when I wasn't dreaming I heard voices in my head telling me things I didn't want to hear.  One night the screaming, crying and noise of things being thrown against the wall, had gotten so loud that the neighbors called the police. 

what did the voices say? i think the comma after 'wall' is unnecessary, and the underlined phrase could be pared down, too.

Sometimes I still feel the pain in my hand, where my finger had been before the voices told me they wanted their ring back.

oooh, cool! she cut her own finger off! i like this.

well, cathy, i think the best thing you could do for this story is to just write it without worrying about word count. i think it's bigger than that, and you could make this into a very creepy ghost story with more room to play. if it was mine, i'd tighten it up, add detail and backstory to the scary moments, and let it ride. i hope you decide to go deep into the dark with it.

wow--great bones, and a great premise. thanks for writing this, and letting us read it. i love a ghost story!

 Hi Cathy,

I agree with Laurie, there is some really great stuff here. Most of it, however, is getting lost in too many words or awkward sentences. The flow is a bit choppy (no pun intended) even when it isn't meant to be. It seems that you give us too much or redundant information when it isn't necessary and not enough when we crave it. Remember being a reader and how much you craved to feel "part" of the story. If you give too much, we feel spoon fed and insulted. If you don't give enough, we feel cheated at the end.

BTW, the ending was pretty cool! The mirror image issue was awesome...but again ... needs more there. We need to see at least two instances in detail of premo creepiness to understand what brings your MC to all these conclusions we are hearing about. We don't really want to "hear" about them, we want to "experience them". I always say if you can find a way to use "sound" words... do it! I think it punches the point home and really draws your reader in. I think you have places in this story where "sound" words with little support would go a long way. IMO.

Thanks for sharing!