Try thinking of your writing as a sculpture or painting which needs to be developed in layers. First lay the foundation by letting your thoughts flow freely. Then go back and look at content and flow. Then word and sentence edit until your satisfied. Finally, watch your spelling: "There" should be "thier," "Failer" should be "failure." I would also take out the "of them" part of "either/neither of them." See if that helps to better convey what your trying to say.   

 Hi! I agree with the other commenter - it does need to be scultped or shaped; it's very much a work of art.

Here's MY suggestion, but you do with it as you like.  Punctuation isn't necessary, only to enchance the poem and if it works for the particular poem. I'm just messing with it here, just to give you some ideas.

Like I said, just messing with it.  I have a hard time with rhythm, since I've been deaf all my life. I can get a sense of it  reading it, but I can't do it myself. If I have a strict, simple style like a haiku or tanka, I'm fine. I can do that. * grin*  SO, just giving you some ideas on how to make it more of what you want.   We're all here to help you the best we can, keep on working and trying - and you'll get better.

GOOD LUCK! I like the poem idea, by the way - and I'm looking forward to seeing more of your stuff!

 I really like the rhythm of the poem in general, especially how it shifts both in rhythm and form when it comes to the rhetorical questions. The short choppy sentences imitate your apparent feelings of frustration at the described situation and communicate this well to the reader. I also like the content as it gradually goes deeper into the essence of the true point of the poem. This poem has lots of feeling and expression and I appreciate that.

The only thing I would consider changing would be the appearance of the poem. In paragraph form it appears to be more like prose until you read it. However, I can see how the continued enjambment helps further the idea of frustration and gives it a feel of stream-of-consciousness. If this is not the impression you are going for, I would consider breaking it up similar to a regular poem with each sentence owning its own line. In my poetry I will add spaces between lines, separating single sentences into their own stanzas to emphasize the importance of the single phrase. For example, with this poem, I would consider something like this:

One failure on top of another.

Both trying so hard to change.
Neither of them getting better.

They care but not about each other.
Only wanting pleasure.

Is it really pleasure if neither of them ilkes it?

Is it really love if it's not pleasure?

Something like that. I know that the odd number of lines throws this shape off a little bit, but it's your poem and you can play around with it as you wish. I tend to view poetry not only as being a literary expression but also a visual expression as well.

I hope this was helpful!

 There are so many possibilities for this work, so many places you could go with this.  I would what it says... I feel like it describes a dead relationship... it is almost sad and reminds me of my parents trying to force something...something that should be great onto something that has been ruined for quite some time.  Almost like its too little too late.  it does need structure...but i do like it

Hey, hey don't take it so hard on yourself, you have a great career of writing right ahead of you. Just remember to believe in yourself, and don't let yourself down, even if your parents call you a failure. You have the ability to choose how you want to write and how you write. Your dreams can take themselves as far as they want to!

 I think this poem could really be great , the format is not right  but if you fix the format

so the words dont all run together  you will draw your readers in to your poem.

its a good begaining . cant wait to read more of  your work.