Unwind
poetry
Published on:
February 15, 3:36pmWord Count:
139Last Edited:
February 15, 3:50pmWork Description
I wrote this poem from a article I read the other day about how people hold everything inside until they cant hold it anymore. And it kinda ties into what happened to me a while back that caused me to loose my memory from time to time. And since I loose my memory I can never remember if I wrote it or not so I have to write my poems down immedietly. So if there's misspelled words I was probably typing faster than my mind can go.
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I hide my pain like the rest of them That’s why I’m always laughing
I’m troubled; I’m brilliant, and miserable too That’s why I am so
funny I swallow down all my fears With a bottle of silver I’ve only
been here 16 years But already my life is over I need to unwind I
want all the time to be loved My life is like a fairytale that no
one believes in I can’t remember anything Not the people Not the
places I’ve been Ever since that fateful day My life will never be
the same Just one more day you can make it babe That’s what I tell
myself Everything I love in life Is killing me because it’s bad for
my health Somebody comfort me, until tomorrow 
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Maybe it was the physical layout of the poem, but I found that the piece lacked enough central unity to be compelling. I feel there are too many generalities and too few glimpses into experience. However, you seem to have a very vivid experience behind this writing and I admit I am curious. If you revised it, spaced it out, and smoothed out some of the transitions I think you would be amazed by how much better it could read. I also think, maybe I'm missing a lot of 'it' because of the format. I would really like to hear the author's voice here. Good luck with this, I hope it turns out well because I'm a fan of this style.
I tried as best as I could to read this in what I imagined would be the best format... it seems like there's a lot of emotion here. It could be read better if it was spaced out right -- have you tried contacting Scribophile about this problem??
My life is like a fairytale that no one believes in
I can't remember anything
Not the people Not the places I've been
This seems to be the thing that jumps out at me the most about this poem. It seems a bit disjointed in spots. If you expanded on it a little and worked to connect it, it would flow much more smoothly. Play with your words, try rearranging things, and finding new ways to describe what you're feeling.
Keep on writing! It's the best way to improve. I'm looking forward to seeing this revised, and spaced out properly, once you've got it figured out.
Dont worrie I had the same problem when I first started writing on scribophile. I type my works on another program than copie/paste it on to scribophile. I found you have to have it writen the way you want it be fore you put it up. Other wise a verry good piece! It just needs some spaceing out and a little grammer work. I would love to hear more of your voice. Keep writing.
I appreciated your emotion and honesty in this poem. I agree,
and you are already aware, that it is somewhat disjointed in
spots. There seems to be a lot of passion here though.
I think that once this is drafted by spacing and you think out the
flow of the words, we will really be able to feel your experience
and it will be even more powerful. You are only 16? Keep up
the good work, I look forward to reading more of your talent 