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Hobofascism, Chapter 1: A Break In

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novel, humor, fiction, hobos
1st
Draft

Published on:

March 29, 5:44pm

Word Count:

1832

Work Description

A humor "novel" featuring hobos and a war on the homeless.

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Chapter: 1
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A figure, wrapped in a brown, tattered and stained blanket and carrying an old dingy carpetbag, worn spots visible in the dim moonlight, creeps along the top of the building to the edge. From this height the cars cruising down the highway look like toys, models in a god’s train set. He grabs the harness that he stole from a window cleaner, slips himself into it and attaches the D-rings and lanyards, in what he hopes is the correct way, to the rope, which is stolen as well.

After attaching the rope to one of the many metallic pimples strewn across the top of the building, he throws the rope over the side. The windows make a deep ping as the rope smacks against them on the way down. He closes his carpet bag, slides it’s handles over his arm and sets himself down on the edge. As his legs dangle over the edge of the building, he feels the tingling, heaviness in his legs and the increased heart-rate both a reminder of his dislike for heights.

Grabbing the rope, his knuckles already turning white from loss of blood-flow, he turns himself over and starts his descent, using his legs and hands to slow himself. Counting the floors as he drops by them, he stops suddenly and hurls a small piece of a broken spark-plug at a window. The window instantly disintegrates, literally jumping at the chance to free itself from it’s 74th-story prison, raining tiny pieces of glass onto the floor of the office and the street below.

Kicking off the window frame, he swings himself away from the building and then through the hole where the window stood only seconds ago. He lands inside the office, the glass under his feet crunches under his weight. The square room is lit only by the reflections of the cars below, an L-shaped cherry desk littered with papers sits in front of the bank of windows, a leather chair, bordering on throne, sits behind it. He slides his bag off of his shoulder and sets it on the floor, disconnects the rope from his harness and attaches it to the bag.

He pulls an old oil lamp out of his bag, it’s brass covering green with years of neglect. He strikes a match, lights the lamp and sets it on the floor, the flame flickers in the breeze coming from the broken window. The dull glow from the lamp gives off enough light for him to see several paintings covering the walls, most of them giving the impression that they were chosen for size and not for artistic merit.

He slowly walks over to the desk and moves the chair aside. Reaching under his blanket he pulls out two paper clips, kneels down behind the desk and inserts them both into the lock of the bottom right drawer, they make faint scratching noises as he uses them to line up the tumblers and turn the lock. He slowly pulls the drawer open, flipping through the papers and pulling them out one at a time, so that he can view them in the soft light of his lamp.

The guards freshly shined shoes, like small black mirrors, make a clump as he walks down the hallway, stopping only so that he can admire them or for him to shine his flashlight into the occasional office and snoop. As he nears the end of the hallway, he sees a dim orange light under the door to the office of Mr. Simms. Tears run down his cheeks as his nose is abused by a horrible stench, a smell of rotten meat liberally sprinkled with coffee grounds and tea bags. He unbuttons his shirt and pulls it up over his nose as he reaches for his keys and unlocks the door.

With his nightstick in his right-hand and his flashlight in his left, he quickly pushes the door open. “Hello, Mr. Simms, are you in here?”, he says into the orangish darkness, shining his flashlight into all the corners of the room. He walks toward the desk and inspects the oil lamp, noticing the rope coming the through the broken window. A shadow moves across the wall. “Who’s there?” he says, his voice shaky. He hears a noise behind him but he can’t turn around fast enough to stop the intruder

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Chapter: 1
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Discussion

 A figure, wrapped in a brown, tattered and stained blanket and carrying an old dingy carpetbag, worn spots visible in the dim moonlight, creeps along the top of the building to the edge.

There are a lot of descriptive words thrown at the reader immediately in this sentence.  I've bolded them all...A figure, wrapped in a brown, tattered and stained blanket and carrying an old dingy carpetbag, worn spots visible in the dim moonlight, creeps along the top of the building to the edge. Since this is the first line of your work, it should start with a bang, instead of a long, winding line.  Draw the readers in immediately.

After reading a bit, the action in this scene is more important.  I wonder if it would do better to start with the action, then, perhaps as he lands inside the window, describe him, giving the readers a little shock. Just an idea.  Take it or leave it.

From this height the cars cruising

From this height (coma) the cars...

The guards freshly shined shoes, like small black mirrors, make a clump as he walks down the hallway, stopping only so that he can admire them or for him to shine his flashlight into the occasional office and snoop.

 

Here, you jump point of view, which can be distracting to a reader unless it's obvious enough, usually as a new chapter.  If it is necessary here, I'd indicate the change.

Dangling from the rope he marks

Dangling from the rope (coma) he marks

I woke up to a someone knocking on my door, startled because that never happens, I cautiously get up, pull my gun out of it’s holster and slowly open the door.

This line here is very conversational, as in, this is how we would speak, but it's a little hard to read.

with the FBI Mr Pinkel and I

...with the FBI (coma) Mr (period) Pinkel (coma) and I...

“Very funny Mr. Pinkel.” I’m taken aback, not realizing that you could fit that much disdain in such a short sentence. “The reason that you’ve been brought here is that we think this might have been done by a hobo. I understand that you have a background that might be useful.”
 

In this paragraph, you jump from her, to him, and back to here.  I had to double read to be sure she wasn't speaking the lines.  As a general rule, each character's thoughts and dialogue recieve their own lines for clarity.

This is an interesting piece of work that, granted, provided me with a chuckle or two.  That said, it needs some cleaning.  Jumping from view point to view point is very hard to read and follow.  The tone is well written, and you have a great grip on characterization.  Dialogue was believable.  Other than the comments above, I'v nothing else to say. Thanks.

Amber

This is an awesome chapter, my favorite work on here so far. Your detail is awesome, your characters superb. I am also writing a novella about a Tramp-clown in a clown world, so maybe you and I could collaborate.

Anyway, I want to read more of this. I like your concept, the plot, the overall idea. Simms is realistic, and a true vagabond. The title sold it for me, and it made me to want to read it. I would suggest reveling his name from the git-go, otherwise readers will lose interest; the opening is slow. Other than that, superb work! I am adding this to my favorites, and I hope to read the rest of this novel.

I am looking for ideas for my novella, which has a similar theme. I am open to ideas. Looking forward to reading your work and this novel.

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