i think that your poem is ok.  the central theme is good, but you need to show more and tell less.  show more images.  show with pictures how you are "pretending".  show me how.  think of writing like this - pretend its like cut and paste.  you look through a magazine and find images that you like, then you decopage them into one big picture, thats kinda what i am talking about.   a culmination of images to make a collective solid whole.  this poem is too flat and that is not a bad thing but it could be bigger than you ever imagined if you work at it.  i am no expert, just somone who is trying to write poetry too.  hope this helps and does not offend!!

As I read your poem, two characteristics of the form of your poem stuck out at me. Although it seems to be roughly in 7 syllable lines, you have 14 syllable lines too. This affects the meter. When we get to the 14 lines, we have to speed up to get to the next line as fast as the previous lines. 

Your poem is also based loosely on couplets, with both short couplets and split couplets, but does not use them in a pattern as a way to shape the work. 

If you wished to use a revised version of split couplets, it would look like:

When you ask me how I am only happiness you'll  find c 14

I am the great pretender a 7

All the way through.  Usually split couplets are 10/4, however. 

Granted, you don't need to use a specific form in your poetry, nowadays. But, for it to sound good, you need to take into account such things. 

Try using a form of 2-3 lines in 7 and then one line 14 for the last line of the stanza, for each thought pattern, or vice versa.

Another important note is that you want your thoughts to move fluidly. If you have a big block of text like you do:

When people look upon me there is a smile on my face b 15

I am a great pretender with no problems on my mind c 14

When you ask me how I am only happiness you'll  find c 14

You put emphasis on those lines, however, the same thought pattern in those lines are seen at the end of the piece, in shorter lines:

I am a great pretender a 7

Look closer and you will see e 7

I am a great pretender a 7

pretending to be me e 6

Use line length to create emphasis, yes, but do so in a form that supports it. Form is just as important as content for adding tone and meaning to a poem. 

I also agree with the previous critique:

It would be nice to see some contrasting images of who you really are inside.

Maybe, for instance, you could use longer lines as who you really are, and shorter lines for who you are pretending to be, for instance, building off of one line:

I am the great pretender a 7

who always knows what to say  d 7

"Though truly I am clueless and haven't the time of day" for instance, or something else that contrasts. Like "Though truly I am speechless and wish you would go away" obviously you may want to put more personal statements there. 

That way, however, it is clear to the reader that what you pretend isn't the real story, that there is much more to you than those lines. and the emphasis is in the longer lines. 

As for the other point, your rhyme scheme also suffers from not having a strong emphasis.

I would either go:

abab, or aabb through the entire piece. The repetition of "I am a great pretender" breaks up your rhyme scheme, and it seems the line is used to the point of redundancy. Instead of saying that throughout the whole piece, I think that using it at the beginning, or just having it as the title, and then using it at the end, would bring more strength into the piece. 

So to conclude, create more strength in the form and rhyme scheme by using patterns to your advantage, and bulk up the piece with the contrasting things that you are that you are pretending not to be.

I think when you add those things this piece will be awesome.  I like where it's going though! Welcome to Scribophile!

 I like the potential that this poem has, the length to which I think it can go. When I read it, I got both a happy, light-hearted sort of vibe and another darker, self-doubting sort of vibe. I say self-doubting because the speaker in the poem says that he is pretending to be himself. How can somebody pretend to be themself if they don't know who they are? Actually, now that I think about it, the speaker could very well know who he (or she) is, and by pretending to be the way they've always been--happy, outgoing, or whatever--the speaker is trying to mask something within, maybe hiding some deeper, darker, sadder emotions? I don't know, just a thought. One thing that bothered me was the rhyme, but I'm the sort of poet who doesn't like end rhyme very much--I think it almost makes it sound childish and Mother Goose-like. If this was a poem intended for a younger audience, I think it'd be a good idea to have a sort of rhyming structure such as this. However, I do believe that the audience you are trying to connect with is an older  one, and I think an older audience (or most of such an audience) would prefer a less sing-songy type of poem. But again, i really liked the potential this poem has; I think there could be a lot of depth to this poem, especially with the last two lines stated as you stated them.

 Oh, hello Chris. I just came on my commenting spree to say that you have a great point about thingas are not what they are seem or what they are meant to be, he he he. It just reminds me of a story I am going to write in the near future called Romeo and The Temptress (I am sure that you are familiar with the story Romeo and Juliet, so I thought  that I would give it a twist) about Romeo takes Juliet to the ball at midnight, but the Temptress, unbeknownst to Romeo is a dark feminine spirit that breaks up couples in many ways. She gives him the Love potion number 9, and tells him to let Juliet drink, it but it is not love potion at all. So what do you thik? Do you think my genre matches yours? Anyway, all in all, it was a good read that was worth critiquing. Take care, I look forward to seeing more of your poems, and I want to hear more from you on my scratchpad sometime! Bye bye now!

 Hey Chris,

First, welcome to the Scrib world!  You'll find people here are brutally honest - but it is all in the name of improvement.   

For a first crack - the poem as a good central theme.  It is loosely based on a song, if I am not mistaken. You want to be careful using themes like that - it borders on cliche' in areas.  I am going to reiterate one of the critiques before - the meter is off.  I understand the rhyme scheme is likely the why of it, but if you are going to write a metered poem, you need to keep a uniform meter.  It should read almost in a sing song method with even beats, on and off.

That said, keep writing - it doesn't come easily even when it is natural.  Don't force the rhymes either - your reader can ALWAYS tell when you are hunting for a word.  Little hint?   Write the poem in free verse or prose first - don't worry about the rhyme and meter.  You can get all your thoughts to paper and then go back an edit in the technique using word play, and skills.

As a reader - it is hard to only hear the facts.  Often times poems and stories and other writing lose their meaning, other than to the author, if we don't know where it happened, why it happened, how it happened - you get the idea.  I think that the poem as a very personal meaning to you - and that's great - but you have to make sure that it translates to your reader, without any prologue or explanation.

Kat

All the above critiques are extremely helpful to your writing so I won’t add anything more. This site is great for exercising your writing muscles when they have been dormant for awhile -so don’t be discouraged. Take the critiques and get better -that’s the beauty here. Of course I’m biased for more than one reason. First, I’ve seen your talent shine through and I know you are just getting back into the habit of writing, so I want to encourage you as much as possible. Secondly, I love you and don’t want to sleep on the couch tonight!

 I really like this poem a lot! It reminds me of a poem I wrote when I was a teenager called "My Mask". I really like how it's to the point. Sometimes dragging a poem on just to show people can ruin the message or the feel of the poem. It can become boring, but with this, I feel like you made me understand what is on your mind. I think one of the reasons I like this poem so much is that it reminds me of how I used to feel, and it's also a lot like my style of writng. I like poetry that flows and that speaks to the soul, but doesn't tell a whole life story. Mty attention span doesn't last long enough for a two page poem, so I think this is good the way it is, and you shouldn't change it. You can clearly tell this is about a person who is trying to hide from the world for whatever reason, and nobody even notices. I think the feel of the poem is lonely and hurt, but it's real. Keep writng, I look forward to readin more from you.

Racheal Lynn       

When you ask me how I am only happiness you'll find

 I am also a great pretender actually I think I may be the best pretender. This is what you call an Eye Opening Poem. I call it that because I didn't realize I was a pretender until I read this. You are a very very good writer and you put this piece together perfectly. Anybody can respond badly to this work and I'll still give it a 10. I don't know what made you come up with this but you should know that I am glad that you did.

The quote I have posted is my favorite because it is the one I related to the most.

Keep writing and thanks for your time.                                                           -the pretender