Because of the Velvet Revolution
drama, flash fiction
Published on:
August 29, 4:39amWord Count:
898Last Edited:
August 29, 6:00amWork Description
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“Ira, listen. Listen.”
“No.”
He was walking away, quickly. She hurried beside him.
“It’s two months, Ira. Then I’ll be back.”
“For a day.”
“For two days.”
His head was down and he didn’t look at her. How could such short legs move so fast?
“Could you wait for a second?”
“No.” That again.
She stepped in front of him and put her hands on his shoulders to stop him. “Listen to me. I will be gone for two months. Getting pissed at me is not going to change that.”
He looked up. ““Won’t change, but I’ll feel better.” His eyes were very blue. Blonde hair falling into his face. He’d look like God’s own child if he wasn’t so short. He pushed her out of the way and kept moving.
Her hands clenched into fists and she called after him. “No, you’re going to feel like shit tomorrow and by then I’ll be in Prague.”
He stiffened and turned. His light blue hooded sweatshirt moved a little in the breeze. It looked so old. She felt like she had seen him wear it when they were kicking the shit out of him on the bus in fifth grade.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me about this before?” He was yelling from ten yards away. She closed the distance a little. The wind was picking up. One of the last summer storms.
“I didn’t know until this morning! The letter just fucking got here!” She had explained this already. He was being obstinate.
His feet were planted far apart on the sidewalk. He looked kind of like a girl that way. He always looked kind of like a girl. She could see him still wearing little kid shoes. The ones that light up when you walk. Or have wheels in them. He looked sort of adorable when he was angry. He was too small to look real when he was angry.
“Will you at least come back here so we can talk about it?” She was tired of yelling over the wind. Also, it looked like it would rain soon and she wanted to be as close to his house as possible without screaming in the foyer so his mom could hear them. She probably already could. She was probably listening from the other side of the stone wall around their yard. Crazy bitch.
“No.” He looked suddenly unsure. It was probably the impending rain. It would ruin his hair. He had probably spent hours on his hair. Cute little fag.
She sighed and started walking toward him. He looked like he would bolt, but didn’t. He let her walk up to him. His little, chubby face looked fierce. He looked like a ten year old. He was seventeen.
“Can we please talk?” She suddenly didn’t feel so snarky. She suddenly felt like shit. She really had hidden this from him. She had signed up and not told him. She had written a really excellent essay and totally hidden it from him. She was ashamed, like she knew she would be.
His shoulders drooped. His mouth drooped. Even his hair seemed to droop. That glorious hair. She put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and he met her eyes. He really had to look up.
“Why do you even want to go to Prague?” She could see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. His cheeks were getting red. Don’t cry, don’t cry, you’re a boy, albeit not much of one. She bit her bottom lip, willing her own tear ducts to obey. She could feel her face getting very hot.
“They offered me a scholarship. And I can study literature. In goddamn Prague.” She swiped at her eyes with a shaking hand – not at all smooth.
He looked at the ground and she heard him sniff. If he did that again she would probably start bawling. Prostrate herself. Beseech.
“I’m just – surprised.” He wiped at an eye without looking up at her. “I – I’m sorry. I wanted…”
She knew what he wanted. He wanted her to go to State College. To visit every weekend. To ask about his senior year of high school. He wanted her to give him inside tips on college life. She could probably have done that. She could maybe have made that work.
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A very intriguing title!
I liked the idea of the plot, but felt that it took a while to become clear just what exactly the two characters were in conflict about. I loved the title and felt that the female character's interest in Czech culture could have been alluded to more in the actual story, although I appreciated that the delay in explaining why she was going ot Prague may have been to build anticipation. I think that perhaps you could have got around that by givingthe reader greater access to her thoughts about herself as well as what she thought/felt about Ira.
I like stories that plunge straight in with punchy dialogue. However, it took me a moment or two to work out who was saying what. A little more description of their physical environment would have helped as well. The impending storm could have been referred to earlier, which would have helped with suspense and would not necesssarily have slowed down the pace if you had used short, vivid pictures. It is a personal thing with me, but I think that weather and setting do a lot of the work of creating tension and atmoshere. I feel you could have worked the storm in almost as a third character!
As I've already said, perhaps a little more description of the yard and/or environment. It took me a while to visualise where they were and I'm still not sure if they travelled during the story from one setting to another? You write vividly of the rain - I love the closing sentence - so more of that please. I also found the portrait of the boy, Ira, very compelling. I didn't get much of a picture of the girl. It's always difficult ,I know, to work in what the point-of-view character is like physically, but she could have done something, gestured or said something more about herself in the conversation which might have given a clue.
After the first few lines the point of view was clear and consistent.
Ira's character was vividly and sympathetically drawn and I liked the girl's ambivalent feelings about him. I wasn't sure what their relationship was - at first I thought they were brother and older sister, but then you describe "his house" and "his mom" so then I had to re-think the scenario which was abit distracting at that stage. Also still not sure why Ira is so dependent on the girl - is it because she protected him at school as you hint? Perhaps you could develop/explain that a bit more?
The dialogue was fine. I knew straight away that these were young characters even though you don't mention age until much later. You got across well Ira's petulance and the girl's more matter-of-fact way of speaking.
Grammar and spelling were fine and your sentences well constructed on the whole. One quibble - my writing tutor at Sussex University always insists that dialogue should always begin on a new line. He's an award winning author so I suppose he should know! It would also help - visually, on the page - to keep the pace brisk and full of tension as the dialogue is crisp and would have even more impact if not left in the body of the paragraph.
I think this story has the potential and all the ingredients to be developed into a much longer and deeper tale! I enjoyed it very much and wanted to get to know the characters more.
I suppose that the story is indirectly "Because of the Velvet Revolution" but that was nearly 20 years ago, and I'm not sure it's relevant, except to tell the reader where she's going. I like it anyway, it's a great title. I also think this is a great story, well-written with good, fast dialog.
But -- Why introduce his mom?
without screaming in the foyer so his mom could hear them. She probably already could. She was probably listening from the other side of the stone wall around their yard. Crazy bitch.
Why is she a "crazy bitch"? The boy doesn't mention her; he's concentrating on the girl.
I only found one extra comma!
His little, chubby face looked fierce.
The sentence reads better without it.
I liked just about everything about this story. The pace was great, the short sentences contributing to the emotion both characters were feeling. I thought, though, that there was a bit too much emphasis on his size. He is seen as small without always mentioning it.
Thanks for the read. You made my afternoon.
What an excellent little piece you have here. I was really moved by it and the whole thing flowed quite nicely. I think it would do you good to stay away from what I like to call, "the pronoun monster." I was a little confused in parts about what "he or she" was feeling or saying. Even though it was only 800 or so words I feel as though this could have been plucked straight out of a published novel. I enjoyed it.
I would hope that you continue this more. I'm curious about the characters now and even a little back story would be to my liking. I troll a lot of works on this site, and it has definitly shined above some of the others. You have a good thing going here.
Keep on writing,
- Henry Brown
He was walking away, quickly. She hurried beside him.
This should really be "She hurried into step beside him." or something close to it.
She felt like she had seem him wear it when they were kicking the shit out of him on the bus in fifth grade.
This gives the assumption that the reader knows who "they" are. I can guess that they're other kids, bullies, older teens, etc, but it's better to use a substitution, such as "when the older kids were kicking the shit out of him on the bus in fifth grade."
There are just some minor grammatical mistakes that I can spot, an inappropriate comma at an important place.
I really like this piece, it gives a good feel of a real-life situation, really speaks to my personal side. I love how it deals with her feelings of making a very hard choice, of sacrificing her own ambitions to move forward to stay his friend, or leaving behind someone she cares about so she can have a chance to move onward in the world. Many of us have to deal with these kind of situations, and the transition from high school to college is one of the hardest.
The one thing I don’t see to be that believable is the inner monologue that she has concerning his sexual orientation:
It would ruin his hair. He had probably spent hours on his hair. Cute little fag.
This and other lines make it seem as though she has an underlying resentment of his sexual orientation. If she were really his close friend, like she claims to be, she wouldn’t care about what he felt or who he had feelings for. Gives me the impression that perhaps she secretly likes him, even though she knows that he’s not into her, which in turn makes it even more plausable that she’d leave the area to be away from him. Just my assumption, however.
Just a quick note:
This needs a "she" in it. There were a couple of commas I would probably have cut, too, but that's commas for you.
Nice work overall.