Hey Circus,

For an experiment in free verse, this is a very polished piece, with just a hint of jumpiness to it that maybe just a touch of re-working could flesh out for you.

There were parts of it that came away with the same poetic starknss that Haiku has, carrying a gentle balance. One thing I would suggest in choosing your breaks is to still keep an eye on flow, because even free verse has a natural rhythm if a loose one. Speaking it out loud to yourself helps.

Good luck with more in the future...

J.A.T

 hey, jen--

i'm in love with your poetry! i'd give my right piggy toe to write like this.

you capture moments in your writing. small moments, moments that others might pass over. you see inside them to the soul underneath and float them to the surface.

my favorite part of this poem? the whole thing, but especially this:

I caught you with that look

in your tired eyes,

reflecting water in the lake,

and telling me that if I

called your name, you would turn

to smile.

i realize this is half of the poem, but like i said, you capture moments and make them deep and real with your understanding of people, and i love it. your poetry is chock full of humanity, and that's the best compliment i can think of.

okay, i'm done gushing for the moment. thanks for another beautiful poem!

Hi,

I sure hope I'm doing this right - I'm new to Scribophile, so if I'm making mistakes, just let me know!

I really enjoyed your poem - the idea of "I caught you" for taking a picture is creative. The entire poem reminds me of a snapshot itself - one moment in time and the musings on it.

Here are a few critiques:

In the fifth line, I wouldn't use a semicolon - you wouldn't use one there in prose, so therefore, I feel it's inappropriate in poetry as well. A colon or even a dash might flow better.

I caught you with that look

in your tired eyes,

reflecting water in the lake,

and telling me that if I

called your name, you would turn

to smile.

Okay, when you're describing what the eyes are doing, I wouldn't use gerunds - the first time I read it, I didn't get that the eyes were both reflecting AND telling. Consider just using plain old past tense verbs - "tired eyes/that reflected water in the lake/and told me that if I ..."

I think that would lend a better flow.

I hope this helps! Happy writing!

Hugs,

Natalie

 Very touching and deliciously sentimental.

that picture;

the only one you like.

So very telling. What a great poem. It's low-calorie and easy to enjoy!