Keats
poetry
Published on:
June 24, 3:40amWord Count:
105Work Description
Musing on Keats, who was afraid of dying without making an impact.
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I haven’t fears, but ever if I did,
those plaguing him, the odeist, would not find
my temperament in such a state of mind
as to project them on my coffin lid.
I worry not that pencil pressed to page
will wear down to a dull and tepid sheen
and eventually will leave the paper clean
and not stand up to weariness of age.
By learning what I need to learn, I see
that lasting in the pavement by the word
is not a form of living; I have heard
the truth, that I will always be,
revolving in the different forms of me.
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Who doesn't love Keats?
Not a bad effort, though it could do with some touch-ups here and there. (as expected of a first draft)
I worry not that pencil pressed to page
will wear down to a dull and tepid sheen
and eventually will leave the paper clean
Sheen, according to OED means " 1. a. Shining, brightness. In recent use chiefly, gleaming, lustre, radiance as of a body reflecting light; a gleam. rare before the 19th c."
This would imply that something dull (OED: Of or in reference to physical qualities, as colour or luminosity, sound, taste: Not clear, bright, vivid, or intense; obscure, dim; indistinct, muffled; flat, insipid) can't really have much of a sheen. Incidentally, tepid means "lukewarm," so I'm not really sure that's the word you wanted there.
I think I get what you're trying to say, (the impermanence of text, perceived or otherwise, doesn't bother you) but this imagery doesn't really work.
This is where you hit a couple of speed bumps. In general, it flows pretty well, but there are a few lines that just don't go.
and eventually will leave the paper clean
and not stand up to weariness of age.
The metre is a bit off here, since eventually is more like "3 and a half" syllables. Maybe something like "and soon as not will leave the paper clean" instead?
"Odeist" is a bit strange of a word. Why not just use "poet" instead?
These aren't really "closing comments" but nothing else in the template made sense for them:
my temperament in such a state of mind
A temperament IS, in fact, a state of mind, and so cannot have one of its own.
The last stanza just plain doesn't make any sense to me.
By learning what I need to learn, I see
Too vague. What is it you need to learn?
that lasting in the pavement by the word
is not a form of living
lasting in the pavement by the word? What does that mean?
This poem is absolutely fantastic! The words, the rhyme, the rhythm. All of it just captured me! "As to project them on my coffin lid" is my favorite line from this entire poem. I'm not sure why but it just drew me in for the following two stanzas. I'm not quite sure what "odeist" means or how it's said... or perhaps it is a typo. I'm never quite sure. But I figured I would point it out just in case? Yeah. lol
Unfortunately, part of this critique should more than compliment your work. I should also advise and what not. This is the part I don't like. lol
Have you ever seen a movie or documentary where you can hear morse code? Unfortunately, that very steady almost monotonous beeping sound is what I'm talking about. Your poems rhythm seems a little bland and almost default in a way. Maybe a diferent rhyme scheme would have been appropriate. You know. Just to change it up a bit.