hi, jen--

beautiful poem--stark, lonely, mournful even in places. i love the indirect metaphor of the peach trees to these two friends. really well done. my favorite lines:

when the starkest light brought things
into the open; imperfections;
the twists and scars of all our misdirections.
 

your word choices are wonderful--precise and accurate, and applicable to both trees and people. your writing always gives me strong images and perceptions to ponder, how they meld together so effortlessly. (at least you make it seem that way.)

You told me that the field was taking turn.
We stood apart and watched the peach trees burn.

this is powerful. the two friends, cloying in their relationship, and the peach orchard, overgrown and neglected, changing to allow something new to develop. you've woven the two messages together in a haunting last line. we don't know if the friends will find a way to start over with each other, or will just move on, but the image of cleansing fire razing the current orchard feels freeing either way.

i'm always impressed with your talent, especially in writing poetry. i come away with "much deep and profound brain things inside my head", to quote king julian from madagascar.

thanks for writing and posting your work, jen!

Hi there, hope this finds you doing well.

LOVED this piece your usage of peach trees to the friends was unique and good. Love how they seem to always want to touch in the piece, but even in the end NEVER seem to make it quite there!!

My favorite part is:

They reached, but never let their branches touch, each one too low to strive for very much. In summer (when I found myself again), I went to you, my low and beaten friend. You told me that the field was taking turn. We stood apart and watched the peach trees burn.

Loved it, loved it, loved it!!

I am glad you shared this piece, you used words that were very vivid, and painted a great picture to me. The reader is pulled into see what happens!!

A lot of friendships i think are like this-- they are difficult at times and hard to grow-- but patients and love make all the difference in the world.

Thanks for sharing--

Poetic Curves

 This is a very lovely Piece.  This is also my first review so i hope I do it correctly.  I just loved this poem.  I liked "the twists and scars of all our misdirections."  I also liked "spreading our shame above us like a cover."  I own a peach orchard and when you are standing under them in full bloom it is like being in a world unto your own.  "Peach trees intimidated by roses" paints a very vivid word picture.  I have aded this my list so i can read more of their work later.  what a nice way to start a day.

This is a lovely poem. I need to say that, first.

I love the way that the rhythm changes over the course of the poem - starting out with gentle iambs and harsh trochees, and settling into an ordered iambic pentameter as the trees burn. You have an excellent ear for poetry (and that's not a compliment I just throw about).

However, I feel like the first part of the poem is a lot stronger than the middle. I love this

Those peach trees, with their low and shameful poses,
as if intimidated by the roses

but am not so fond of this

like we were, wrapped up in one another,
spreading our shame above us like a cover.

Compared to the rest of the poem, this little couplet is kind of weak. "Spreading our shame above us like a cover" is a little bit...I don't want to say cliche, but compared to the rest of the imagery in the poem, it stands out as less powerful. Maybe it's your fault for writing such a good poem that lines that are only really "decent" stand out like a sore thumb . The rape-rhyme nature of this little couplet might be another reason that it's less effective for me - even not quite rhyming, it seems kind of forced. Then again, I'm no poet.

But this is the only thing about this poem that I am not crazy about. Really, really excellent work; and (I sort of lurked around your other poem, Circus) I can see the influence of Frost on your style and your rhythms (have you read "In White" and "Design"? Something about this reminds me of those). I look forward to perusing more of your work.

 I do like the taste this poem leaves in my heart.  Nice cut-off points between the verses. I wanted to read more as lines prolonged. 

My favorite part is the one below. It is a witty description.

imperfections;

the twists and scars of all our misdirections

Is there a specific reason for "Shame" to be capitalized in the below line?

we spoke of Shame as though he were our lover.

sharp rhyme at the last two lines...

Overall I do like the first and last part of the poem and kinda wish that the middle piece was a bit stronger. It still is beautiful. The imagery is rich and the usage of words are strong. I am looking forward to reading more pieces from you as well as receiving any critics in the future.

 Good Evening,

I have read your poem about six times now. Each time I find someting new that I like; a sign of an excellent piece.

Your rhymes are not forced, which is very hard to do, I think. It makes the poem seem like it just appeared as it is...like you didn't spend time trying to find rhymes, they were just there. This adds to the overall tone of the poem. It is haunting and troublesome, but in a soothing, "this is the way it needs to be" kind of way. I hope I am making some sense here.

I think this is my favorite line:

 imperfections; the twists and scars of all our misdirections.

It is as though you have defined the word "imperfections" in your poem without the definition being obtrusive or degrading to your audience. Please do not change this!

I did want to mention that I am a little confused on the use of three seasons. The vision that sticks in my head is only the "winter" scene because of the "starkest light" reminded me of dark bare branches in the midst of of snowy scape. The way the first two lines read now, it seems as though the trees look the same in Spring and Winter. Have you thought about adding in the fourth season, autumn?

I know there isn't alot of constructive feedback here but I hope it helps a little.

I liked the language and diction for the most part, as well as the imagery. This is a good poem, in so much as its most certainly not a bad poem, and you should feel satisfied in your poem-writing ability. Satisfied meaning you don't need to worry about it being inadequate, but also meaning that you can always reach higher and feel more and more confident in your writing as you continue to write. In short, you can be proud of having written this poem.

But of course like any piece of writing by any writer, it's not perfect. But its flaws are capable of being fixed, or rather improved, so as to make the work better as a whole. I plan to give examples of the good, the not-so-good, and the inscrutable in my critique.

The rhyming, unlike some other poems, is not obtrusive and naturally fits with the poem. It does not jar the reader out of the poem with awkward rhymes. So much so that I didn't even realize it was rhyming for the first few lines. In my book that's a good thing. In some poems, an aa bb cc etc [rhyming couplet] rhyme scheme can get a bit annoying and come off as amateurish or even childish. But not so in this poem.

They reached, but never let their branches touch,

each one too low to strive for very much

I like this couplet a lot. It's some nice diction and word flow, an interesting image, and fits well with the metaphor for the characters that you've established. There are several other passages that I found particularly enjoyable, but this couplet definitely is my favorite.

Now while most of the poem is of that caliber, there are some spots that to me seem to sink below it. There are some issues I would like to bring up. Keep in mind they're just my opinion and my interpretation and are by no means hard and fast facts.

Springs

and Winters

This is very, almost insignificantly tiny, but grammatically I think these don't need to be capitalized. I don't suppose is necessarily "wrong" per se, but it's just something I noticed. If I'm correct, it's still fine and doesn't really "need" changed. You just might want to look at that. It's just like the word father or president. If it's describing one specific person, it's capitalized, but if it's just a generic noun and generally if it's plural then it's lower case. Anyway, just a stupid little nitpick, feel free to ignore if you want.

Just one more thing:

we spoke of Shame as though he were our lover

Nothing wrong here, maybe just a little clarification needed. The narrator and the other person are friends, and only platonic friends, right? Or is the "friendship" actually a romantic relationship? I must say you could be a little bit more clear on it, because sometimes I got the impression it was a relationship, especially when this line came into play.

And the phrase "as though he were our lover" sounds a little off-putting to me for some reason. That "our lover" thing makes it seem like Shame is the lover of both people at the same time, like a love triangle or menage a trois or something. Maybe saying "as though he were a lover" would be better?

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Good job, I liked this poem.

 Wow. This was a really great poem but their are a few things you should probably fix and a few things I would like to address.

1. The Imagery was simply incredible, it was beautiful and inspiring. I could literally see it all without needing to close my eyes. The words in this poem really did speak to me and painted inside of my mind.

2. okay, so when you write a poem its not convential to have all of these periods at random sentences in the middle of verses. I suggest that you change them to commas or make them seperate verses.

3. I just wanted to tell you how much I really enjoyed the analogy you used in this to convey the loss of a tight friendship, it was very creative, unique and beautiful. It was also deep and inspiring.

This is a very powerful poem, I love it. Thank you so much for writing it. I feel deeply inspired.

Keep up the amazing work!

~Michelle Erin.