Goryokaku Autumn, Chapter 1: Prologue: Hakodate, Japan: 1854
fantasy, drama, action
Published on:
April 14, 8:20pmWord Count:
3144Last Edited:
May 3, 1:40pmWork Description
An adventure across cultures as an American man and a Japanese woman come together to battle an ancient demon...
Chapter Description
The setup. Here we show the McGuffin and then put it in play...
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Segawa looked out over the harbor. Halfway up Hakodateyama, his view was that of a gull’s, the dark hard blue of the sea deceptively calm as the ships lay at anchor. Black ships, full of gaijin, fire and promise. Though he’d been in Hakodate for twenty-five years, the monk had never been to sea on a ship. He wondered what it would feel like to be standing on the pitching deck of the huge black vessel, with wind and spray as his companions.
“Perhaps I should write a poem,” he thought. “But there is too much to do.” He laughed, marveling at how easily he’d become distracted. “I should return to the temple as a novice.” He put notions of seafaring from his mind, and turned back to the climb. There was a simple trail cut, and he made his way through the scrub to a small clearing. This was the camp where he’d spent the last three days, waiting for his Master to return. Two young men were there, initiate monks from his temple, ancient Shogakuin nestled among the small farms to the north. They were keeping busy tending the small fire and preparing some tea.
“Has there been any signal?” Segawa said. Tokuta, the smaller man, bowed. “No, master,” he said. Segawa looked up at the sun and judged another hour until midday. “There should have been a signal,” he said. He sighed quietly and rolled his neck against the stress he felt. His Master, his friend for almost forty years, was most likely in trouble. “Get your things ready,” he pointed further up the mountain. “We have to go up there.”
The monks had come here to Hakodateyama to bind an Oni, a demon. It wasn’t typical of their duties, which lay more along the path to Enlightenment, but the governor had insisted that this particular Oni be quieted while the gaijin were here on their visit. It wouldn’t do, the monks had been told, for the Oni to have a little fun with the barbarians. That could cause Hakodate, and perhaps the whole prefecture to lose face and perhaps many lives. It had also been hinted that the Shogun himself had declared that where the gaijin went, demons should be bound and quieted, that the two might not see each other and become friendly.
So Segawa and his brothers had come, knowing what to do, but not knowing how to get the job done.
The younger monks were local and they knew well this Oni. Upon learning that they were going on this mission, they did their best to hide their fears, but almost at once they began whispering between themselves, comparing the stories of their childhoods. Later, packed and walking through the gates of Shogakuin, they were in agreement: This Oni was terrifying. By the time they had reached the foot of Hakodateyama four days ago, they were half-petrified. Enlightenment had become suddenly too dangerous.
Segawa also felt fear. Far older than his charges, he had seen too many Oni in action to think that this small group would be able to do anything more than die in the service of the Emperor. Perhaps, he thought, a poem will be written in our honor. He smiled, then spat. Damn, he thought. I should have said good-bye to Ayumi-chan. Better to die the morning after a good romp. Damn. He was still swearing at himself, thoughts wrapped up in the soft silks of Ayumi’s kimono when he heard the steps of his Master. He turned and bowed.



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I think you could use a little more description of the actual setting. You do so well at describing the macro-setting, but I want some better picture of the rocks, shrubs, maybe some logs they're sitting on around the fire, the colors of their clothes, if it's cold or hot, etc. We know what a mountain is, but I want to know what this mountain looks like.
This would also benefit from more a sense of setting. You're a gifted writer, and this story reminds me of old Japanese folktales. But since it's not a text from hundreds of years ago, I think spending more time expanding on "packed and walking through the gates" would help out. Like just describing the gates, what they look like, what the mountains look like, and other details about the experience would help.
Telling. I can't picture it.
Most readers haven't seen an Oni so describing what it looks like would help. Or maybe an anecdote about what Segawa has seen. Like a flashback to a fight he'd participated in or witnessed, so we know how dangerous this Oni is.
Quick question: are these guys monks who are talking about bedding women? I thought monks were chaste!
After reading this, I don't have a ton of comments except for that you've got a clear writing style that doesn't falter and handles the story just like a translation of an actual Japanese novel. It's well done. That being said, I had trouble getting totally caught up in it, because I never felt like the point of the story was being afraid of the Oni or learning about these characters' struggles. I guess I had the same problem when I read Beowulf and The Iliad. One major thing that will help is to somehow tap into the emotional experience of one of the characters so we care about someone and feel afraid when he's afraid, feel proud when he's proud, and so forth. I was "introduced" to these two seasoned monk warriors, but there wasn't really a battle sequence and most of it I felt was just old warriors talking. Again, it's well written. I just think it needs more drama!