Conquest
poetry
Published on:
February 26, 5:03amWord Count:
110Last Edited:
March 6, 12:41amWork Description
Again, another poem I wrote for my poetry last semester. This one is a sonnet. The teacher is very, very into the New Critics, hense these specific forms.
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I gave the bag of memories to you
To dust my mind with turpentine soaked rags,
Scared now that the memories are not true.
Take them at your will, but don’t discard the bag.
Stifle your heart with it as you did mine.
My faux happiness I start to deny.
An eclipse casts upon my heart this time.
I am drawn magnetically to your side.
Plastic turns to brown bag creating strife.
Paper tears around my too cautious heart.
My tainted heart beats with radiant life.
A speech sincere as yours I cannot thwart.
The memories renew for you and I,
For love is a hard requiem to hide.
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Ah, good call. I agree with you. The line is sans comma now.
Dear Daisy,
I like your imagery. Imagery and turn of phrase are what keep me interested in a piece and I feel that you provided both here. I like the physical representation of a "bag of memories." It gives me the impression that they are now meaningless and about to be discarded because they are kept in such a way. The narrator of the piece shows vulnerability early with "but don't discard the bag." I like that because too often in pieces about love lost the narrator is depicted as invincible or untouchable; which doesn't make sense to me. If one were really so untouchable, why would one feel the need to express themselves at all? But I digress.
The line, "My tained heart beats with radiant life" has a good flow to it and I find it being one of my favorites.
Good work, --EF
i really enjoyed this because its real to life. good job.
Dear Daisy,
Interesting poem. It took me a couple of read-throughs in order to gain (at least what I think is) a fair understanding of your poem.
I like the simplicity of the rhyme scheme, and I think that is what made me want to read it again.
The only line I felt didn't flow well was:
You use a similar sentence structure in the line:
The difference is that the comma in the first line creates an abrupt stop to the sentence, whereas in the second line, the word "but" helps the two halves of the sentence flow.
I don't think you have to follow the same system for the line in question, but I think the gerund following the comma kind of disrupts the flow. Perhaps you meant it to, I don't know.
Other than that, I enjoyed your poem!
Keep it up,
-Strider212