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Butterfly

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poetry, butterfly, emotional growth, depression
1st
Draft

Published on:

May 30, 7:27pm

Word Count:

86

Work Description

Sometimes a butterflies colors hide feelings within

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Beautiful butterfly
spreading her kaleidoscope
of colors, so glorious
in her heavenly arraignment
that none notice the droop
of her head -
the only area unadorned.

None ever question
if returning to the cocoon
would be more desirable
or if the bracing breezes
wound her colorful garments.
None ever think
she has the right to hide -
but one day she is gone,
they forget, and when
next a butterfly crosses
the path, they only say
"she is back"
rather than
"where did the other go?"

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Discussion

 Thi is good but some of it was very deep and hard to see past the things you were trying to say. Try to describe with shorter words because bigger words make it less flowing and the reader has to stop like "in her heavenly arraignment" Maybe try figure I like it though it was a fun poem to read. Keep it up!

Good to comment on you again, Debbie! I like this poem, even if it is a bit depressing. I liked the line "they don't  notice the droop of her head. But my favorite line is "they only say she is back rather than where did the other go?". That line was really deep and, while sad, seemed to speak to me.


Beautiful butterfly
spreading her kaleidoscope
of colors, so glorious
in her heavenly arraignment
that none notice the droop
of her head -
the only area unadorned.

I would like to see more description of the butterfly in the first stanza, more about her beauty. Perhaps something about her wings grace, etc. I think you should take out the "that none notice the droop of her head- the only area unadorned" and keep that for later. Stanza's kind of act like paragraphs. The topic sentence of this one is, "butterflies are beautiful" so I would flesh out that idea, and then have the later stanza completely switch around one's view of the butterfly.

You could start out the new stanza with, "None notice the droop of her head, the only area unadorned"

None ever question
if returning to the cocoon
would be more desirable
or if the bracing breezes
wound her colorful garments.

I like this idea, but it seems a bit extreme for the first stanza. I would switch around this to be

"None notice the droop of her head, the only area unadorned, or whether the bracing breezes wound her colorful garments."

Also, I like that you have alliteration here again, with "bracing breezes," but if you mean bracing in the energizing, or supportive sense,  I cannot envision that actually hurting her. It's your call.


None ever think
she has the right to hide -

I think this sentence is a little too general and doesn't add much but a transition for the later lines. Maybe tweak the "None ever question if returning to the cocoon would be more desirable" line for the last stanza.


but one day she is gone,
they forget, and when
next a butterfly crosses
the path, they only say
"she is back"
rather than
"where did the other go?"

If you were thinking of changing the order of the poem along the lines I have suggested, I would replace but with "Then". Also, consider making the first line a sentence with a period to give it more impact. "Then one day she is gone."

You also do not need the comma after forget. And you will need a comma after say and than.

The last group of lines is my favorite. I love how you bring the butterfly into a different light, and the poem itself has a very smooth grace that almost lulls the reader into the beauty rather than the individual inside of it.

Very well done! I hope my suggestions help with the impact of the poem!

spreading her kaleidoscope
of colors, so glorious
in her heavenly arraignment

These lines painted a wonderful picture in my head. When I read these line, i pictured a great, beautiful butterfly spreading it's wings full of bright, brilliant colors then taking off into heavenly light.

that none notice the droop
of her head -
the only area unadorned.

These lines continued the picture in a much more sinister way. The heavenly light turned dark as the butterfly turned its great head towards me as it drooped full of sorrow.

None ever question
if returning to the cocoon
would be more desirable

Then these lines, they just completely destroyed the beginning image. Instead of picturing a butterfly, i pictured someone trying so hard to commit suicide. For some reason, these lines just bring up that sullen picture in my mind even though I know that isn't the intent of poem, at least not yet.

None ever think
she has the right to hide -
but one day she is gone,
they forget, and when
next a butterfly crosses
the path, they only say
"she is back"
rather than
"where did the other go?"

These last lines conclude the poem nicely. They speak to me as how people are so cruel and self absorbed that they do not remember what once brought them great joy, how easily things can be replaced. I very much understand your point of view in that some people don't feel deeply. They see the mask and just pass on by. Great job on the poem.

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