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Esmeralda's Hair (revised) which is better?

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childrens, fiction, humor
1st
Draft

Published on:

March 16, 9:11pm

Word Count:

1384

Work Description

A revised piece about a little girl who didn't want to cut her hair and what happened.

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                                                Esmeralda and her hair

 

When Esmeralda was two, her mother cut her hair.  She stared into the mirror and did not recognize herself.  It was so short her ears froze when she went outside.  It was so short it stuck straight up on her head.  It was so short people sometimes thought she was a boy.  Her mother tried to stick bows in her hair with gel, which looked very silly.  One day she walked up to her mother, put her hands on her hips and announced, “No more hair cuts, never, never never!”

 

Her hair grew.  Esmeralda’s ears started to warm up as her hair began covering them. 

 

A few weeks later she was able to put bows in her hair without looking silly.  Her mother found every tangle and snarl Esmeralda had, when she combed her hair.  Her scalp hurt when her mother was finished.  Esmeralda would wiggle and squirm when her mother tried to comb her hair, then run away and hide.

 

The hair grew to brush her shoulders.  She put barrettes and bows in but they were soon lost.  Her mother said, “You have to brush your hair and keep it neat if you want it long.”  Esmerelda did not want to hear what her mother said.  She just nodded and went back to playing.  She did not want to listen.  Taking care of her hair seemed like too much work.

 

As it grew, she liked to put it on top of her head to keep it out of her way.  Esmeralda pinned her hair up with chopsticks but she never bothered to take them out.  They would stick out at strange angles, sometimes sagging down, drooping dejectedly.  There were several chopsticks in her hair before she decided it was too much trouble.

 

It grew so long her mother tried to braid it but the tangles got in the way.  Esmeralda would not let her mother comb it and never did it herself.  It fell down her back in snarls and tangles.  Her teacher spoke to the class about the importance of brushing their hair, pointing at the messy heap on top of Esmerelda’s head. 

 

It grew so long it reached her waist.  Esmerelda liked to separate it in two and tie it into a bow at her neck.  She took her mother’s hair spray and sprayed the bow fast.  Esmeralda did not care that it became a sticky mess when it rained.

 

One day Esmeralda and her friend, Lucy, had a fight.  They were in a meadow near home.  Lucy got so mad she took prickers and smashed them into Esmeralda’s hair.  Esmeralda grabbed some and did the same to Lucy.  Esmeralda’s mom cried as she tried to comb the prickers out but finally gave up.  She wanted to cut Esmeralda’s hair but, of course, she said No!  The prickers scratched Esmeralda’s cheeks as she slept.  There were huge clumps of prickers all over her head.  Her hair looked lumpy and bumpy.

 

When she was swinging at the playground her hair swept the ground, leaving the ground neat and her hair littered with twigs and clumps of dirt.  Esmeralda’s mother just shook her head when she saw her.  Caterpillars and ants climbed up the strands of her hair. The ants made little mounds for their homes.  Her scalp itched as they walked across it.  She heard the ants lining up in rows, practicing their marches, and listened to their leaders ordering the troops.  The caterpillars found quiet spots and spun their chrysalis’, waiting for the days they would become butterflies.

 

Soon she could sit on her hair.  One day Esmeralda tried to brush her hair but the brush got stuck in the tangles and she just left it there.  It clanked against the back of her chair in school. 

 

Two nights later, when she was sleeping, a mouse saw her hair dusting the floor and skittered up.  He made a home and each night brought

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Discussion

 As a grandfather with two 8 and 9 year old grand daughters, I believe the story would be one that would spark their interest (now the "but" part).  The narrative lacks an even flow or rythm.  It seems a bit choppy - not the wording but the way the sentences are strung together.  I liked it but had difficulty reading it.  I would suggest that you read it out loud to yourself and edit it accordingly.  I find this to be a great help when I can't get a paragraph or so to flow right.  Also, I would redo the sentences to eliminate so many "It was..." openings.  Possibly just dropping them.  Example: "It was so short her ears froze when she went outside.  So short it stuck straight up.  So short people thought she was a boy."  Overall, you have an excellent tale.  Take the time to polish it and let's have a look at it again.

 Well, I didn't read the original version -- just this one (the revised version?) and enjoyed it. The storytelling was wonderful. In fact, my main critique/suggestion is that you consider having an illustrator and create a picture book. Or perhaps turn into a script because it speaks visually and kids of all ages would love it. As far as room for improvement, you could always polish by adding descriptive language instead of on-the-nose -- example-- "it was so short her ears froze" could be altered to "it was so short her ears formed icicles" (or turned blue...)  

"tried to stick bows" could be changed to "tried to stick red bows" (or pink etc) to give us a flash of a visual. What color is Esmeralda's hair?

Also be careful of too many "ups" (stuck straight up, walked up, warm up, climbed up) You might use "approached her mother" instead of walked up... Consider colorful words to replace. 

Overall though, you have a very imaginative creative piece that I would be very proud of! Congratulations and good luck in getting this published! 

Opening Comments

This was a very cute story and as a child who had long, wild hair and didn't care for having my hair cut or brushed, it definitely brought back some fond memories.

Plot

The plot is very relatable, but of course, is taken to the extreme in a wonderful way. I could envision little drawings that would go with this, maybe even a pop up book!

I would have liked to have seen maybe a little more dissatisfaction with her hair trapping her in the tree. Maybe she's sad her friends are leaving her or that she realizes that she'll be left completely alone if she doesn't keep it clean. Something that gives more of a moral to the story where it's less appealing to have birds in your hair. Maybe the birds could even fight with the mouse? Or she could be chased into the tree by an owl trying to eat the squirrel and the mouse? Just something to really sharpen the consequence of her big hair mess.

Pacing

I enjoyed the pacing and the ever-growing mound of hair!

Description

Very cute descriptions, but also this strikes me as a story that would need to be illustrated to really make it sing.

Point Of View

The point of view was fine.

Characters

Loved the characters. As I said, I could very much relate to the little girl. Maybe also if her hair brushing were more painful it would give her more of a reason for hating having it brushed.

Dialog

Loved the dialog.

Grammar and Spelling

I think in the next revision, as other commenters said, it would be good to look at it with an eye to word choice and diversity. I know I often fall in love with a word or a phrase and end up unintentionally repeating it for a few paragraphs. It's great in draft form, but now as you smooth it out and clean it up, keep an eye out for repetition and redundancies.

Closing Comments

Great story and it's very close, I think. It would be a great story for kids and just silly enough to really appeal to them. Thanks for sharing!

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