Esmeralda's Hair (revised) which is better?
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve, and you'll earn a little karma too.
Please log in to rate.Discussion
Well, I didn't read the original version -- just this one (the revised version?) and enjoyed it. The storytelling was wonderful. In fact, my main critique/suggestion is that you consider having an illustrator and create a picture book. Or perhaps turn into a script because it speaks visually and kids of all ages would love it. As far as room for improvement, you could always polish by adding descriptive language instead of on-the-nose -- example-- "it was so short her ears froze" could be altered to "it was so short her ears formed icicles" (or turned blue...)
"tried to stick bows" could be changed to "tried to stick red bows" (or pink etc) to give us a flash of a visual. What color is Esmeralda's hair?
Also be careful of too many "ups" (stuck straight up, walked up, warm up, climbed up) You might use "approached her mother" instead of walked up... Consider colorful words to replace.
Overall though, you have a very imaginative creative piece that I would be very proud of! Congratulations and good luck in getting this published!
This was a very cute story and as a child who had long, wild hair and didn't care for having my hair cut or brushed, it definitely brought back some fond memories.
The plot is very relatable, but of course, is taken to the extreme in a wonderful way. I could envision little drawings that would go with this, maybe even a pop up book!
I would have liked to have seen maybe a little more dissatisfaction with her hair trapping her in the tree. Maybe she's sad her friends are leaving her or that she realizes that she'll be left completely alone if she doesn't keep it clean. Something that gives more of a moral to the story where it's less appealing to have birds in your hair. Maybe the birds could even fight with the mouse? Or she could be chased into the tree by an owl trying to eat the squirrel and the mouse? Just something to really sharpen the consequence of her big hair mess.
I enjoyed the pacing and the ever-growing mound of hair!
Very cute descriptions, but also this strikes me as a story that would need to be illustrated to really make it sing.
The point of view was fine.
Loved the characters. As I said, I could very much relate to the little girl. Maybe also if her hair brushing were more painful it would give her more of a reason for hating having it brushed.
Loved the dialog.
I think in the next revision, as other commenters said, it would be good to look at it with an eye to word choice and diversity. I know I often fall in love with a word or a phrase and end up unintentionally repeating it for a few paragraphs. It's great in draft form, but now as you smooth it out and clean it up, keep an eye out for repetition and redundancies.
Great story and it's very close, I think. It would be a great story for kids and just silly enough to really appeal to them. Thanks for sharing!
As a grandfather with two 8 and 9 year old grand daughters, I believe the story would be one that would spark their interest (now the "but" part). The narrative lacks an even flow or rythm. It seems a bit choppy - not the wording but the way the sentences are strung together. I liked it but had difficulty reading it. I would suggest that you read it out loud to yourself and edit it accordingly. I find this to be a great help when I can't get a paragraph or so to flow right. Also, I would redo the sentences to eliminate so many "It was..." openings. Possibly just dropping them. Example: "It was so short her ears froze when she went outside. So short it stuck straight up. So short people thought she was a boy." Overall, you have an excellent tale. Take the time to polish it and let's have a look at it again.