Esmerelda's hair
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
When Esmerelda was two her mother cut her hair. It was so short her ears froze when she went outside. It was so short it stuck straight up on her head. It was so short people sometimes thought she was a boy. Her mother tried to stick bows in her hair with gel, which looked very silly. One day she walked up to her mother, put her hands on her hips and announced, “No more hair cuts, never, never never!”
Her hair grew. Soon it covered her ears.
A few weeks later she was able to put bows in her hair without looking silly.
It reached her shoulders. She put barrettes in but they got lost. Her mother said, “You have to brush your hair and keep it neat if you want it long.” Esmerelda just nodded and went back to playing.
As it grew, she liked to put it on top of her head so Esmerelda pinned her hair up with chopsticks but she never bothered to take them out.
It grew so long her mother tried to braid it but the tangles got in the way. She never combed it and it fell down her back in snarls and tangles. Esmerelda’s teacher spoke to the class about the importance of brushing their hair, pointing at the messy heap on top of Esmerelda’s head.
It grew so long it reached her waist. Esmerelda liked to separate it in two and tie it into a bow at her neck. One day Esmerelda and her friend had a fight. They were so angry that they took burdocks and smashed them into each other’s hair. Her friend took the burdocks out, Esmerelda didn’t. Esmerelda’s mother just shook her head when she saw her. The burdocks scratched her cheeks as she slept.
Soon she could sit on her hair. She tried to brush her hair one day but the brush got stuck in the tangles and she left just it there. One night when she was sleeping, a mouse saw the hair dusting the floor and skittered up. He made a home and each night brought back treasures he found during the day, jittering about his adventures in her ear as she dreamed.
When she was swinging at the playground her hair swept the ground, leaving the ground neat and her hair littered with twigs and clumps of dirt.
Her hair grew down to her knees. One day a bird flying by decided her hair would be an excellent place to build a nest. Pretty soon three chicks hatched. Esmerelda would have liked that but the bird was always squawking, the chicks were always chirping and the worms she brought back to her chicks sometimes fell in her hair. It was hard to pay attention at school with all the noise.
A squirrel looking down from a tree thought her hair would make a wonderfully soft home to come to each day, jumped down and burrowed deep with his paws.
It grew down to her toes. She kept tripping as she walked. The bird squawked angrily at her because she scared the chicks. The squirrel jittered at her to be careful.
When she climbed a pine tree, her hair got stuck in all the branches leaving her hanging stuck in the air. Sap from the tree clung to her hair. The little pine needles were everywhere, tickling and itching her. She looked and felt like a fly trapped in a spider’s web. It took a whole day and two of her best friend’s help to get free.
That was it! She ran home to her mother and cried “Cut my hair. PLEASE!!!” Her mother started cutting . . . out came a branch from a tree, twigs from the playground, the mouse and its treasures, the bird, its chicks and its nest, the squirrel and its home, clumps of dirt from the swings, chopsticks, burdocks, barrettes and bows that had gotten lost, sap and pine needles from the tree she was
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve.
Please log in to rate.Discussion
*** I do agree with the first comment, this would be wonderful if it had illustrations.... As far as the rhyming that is just a sure way that the kids reading or hearing the story will remember certain parts. At least its that way with my children. It also serves well as a lesson on hair care for a child, something I'm always teaching mine....we all have very long hair ourselves!! The story is great, and it had great details that a child would definitely understand... write on***
This made me giggle! Thanks for posting!!
Again, you do a wonderful job of "telling us the story". I'd like to see you create the story in a way that brings the readers in. Particularly with a children's piece, you open yourself up to allowing you imagination to run absolutely wild. Tell us about the smells, and the feels. Does she get it in her mouth and taste it ever? Does she say anything, perhaps something witty to her mother when told to cut it? Where and what is she playing when she ignore's her mother? What does the mouse do? Does it make any sounds or scratch at her head? What color was her hair and did it change with all the filth.
Children's work is so much fun that you can go crazy with things that might never fly in adult stories. Sounds, metaphors, comparison's to crazy things. Read some of Shel Silverstein and you'll see what I mean. I'd like to see this go somewhere because it's truly a story that most little girls can relate to. I know I did, and was giggling the whole while I was reading it. I believe I was five. Just don't be so restrained, worrying about making it just so. Break loose and have fun.
I definately agree with those who said that this would be great with illustrations. The beginning could go further in-depth to Esmeralda's troubles with short hair, to contrast that which she had with her long hair, maybe with a few more details as to why she choose not to cut her hair anymore, but as a whole the story is entertaining for kids and sends out a message about the importance of taking care of your hair as a girl. Good work!
I like that a lot of the images that you've created would be great fun for an illustrator to work with. My only suggestion is that you add a bit more structure into her activities. Keep the "it grew so long" and add it to the paragraph "she could sit on her hair paragraph.
When she was swinging at the playground her hair swept the ground, leaving the ground neat and her hair littered with twigs and clumps of dirt.
I like this sentence but it seems out of place in the story. You start having creatures move in, so you should stick with that motif. Possibly put it before the mouse moves in?
Have one creature move in for each time that the hair "grows" to keep the story repetitive and fun for kids.
I like the idea of having in each "it grew so long" paragraph an animal move in, and an activity she does, that makes the animals react to it like in this sentence:
It grew down to her toes. She kept tripping as she walked. The bird squawked angrily at her because she scared the chicks. The squirrel chittered at her to be careful.
Then have the animals come out in the opposite order they came in, so its like an unlayering process (which kids love because they can guess which animal is going to come out next, it's great for memorization purposes)
Those are just some of my
suggestions, I love the end, and that she learns to take care of
her hair. 
Great children's story!
I really liked this story. It was clever and I enjoyed the progression. I think the beginning could have been a bit longer, just restating what the other critiques said. I also liked the animals, but I think that, as a children's story the interaction between Esmerelda and each of the animals could have been stronger. It seems like the animals are just there and Esmerelda has only passive interaction with them. I think there should be more positive, active interaction. This is a very good piece and I really enjoyed reading it, even if I am supposed to be too old to enjoy this kind of stuff! I hope I can read some more of your work.
That was a very good story. A lot of things happened to that hair. I must say, I do not have a clue what burdock is though. Still good!
It was an adorable children's story. It was vivid and humorous.
The plot was funny and there was a moral to the story. I enjoyed all the animals that settled in her hair.
The pace was perfect. It wasn't too long or short.
It was the right amount of description. The scene where she was stuck in the tree was hilarious! However, there could have been a better description about how the friend actually got her out of the tree.
The main character and the mother were very believable.
I liked this story, but with a little tweaking it could be even better. Esmeralda's Hair reminded me a little of the Robert Munsch stories I enjoyed as a child and now read to my nieces. It would be great to see a colourfully illustrated version to go with the lively imagery in your prose. One suggestion I have is that you play with rythem and sound to make it flow a little better. It's not that your writing is particularly mechanical, it's just that this is the kind of story that could benefit with a touch of poetry. Keep writing!
This was my first review and I have a lot to learn, so here's hoping you found it helpful.