June Challenge, Chapter 1: June 1-3
june challenge, flash fiction
Published on:
Jun. 1, 2008, 11:55pmWord Count:
1509Last Edited:
Jun. 4, 2008, 2:39amWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
Wasted Youth: Tom loses his cool.
I've Got a Gun!: A beer run gone bad.
Must Wear Clothes: Roommate Wanted
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Wasted Youth
When I was only seventeen, I once killed a boy with a fender guitar. That's right, just like the Meat Loaf song. The first time I heard that song I was scared shitless. I thought maybe he found out. But then I realized he was a little before my time.
So I was seventeen. I was in the second half of my junior year, and I was in a band called the Sammy Davis Juniors. Don't ask me why. We were a punk band. Punk bands can call themselves whatever they want. It was a Friday after school. We were practicing at Nicky's house. His parents were loaded. They had built him a detached garage just so he and his lame ass band could practice. We were pretty lame, too.
So we had just finished practice. Nicky was about to cover up his drum set. He was the only person I'd ever met who covered his drum set after every rehearsal. And it really bothered me.
"Nicky. What the fuck. What do you think is going to happen to those drums if you don't cover them?"
Nicky looked up at me bewilderedly. "Tom, everyone covers their drum set. That's why it comes with a cover."
Jackson, the bassist, shook his head at the two of us as he and Sean, the other guitarist, left. "See you cats later," he called out before he closed the door to the garage behind them.
"No one covers their drums, Nicky. Name one person you know who covers their drums." I challenged him.
I could hear the gears turning inside his head as he tried to come up with an answer.
"Ringo Starr." he spat out. He had this cocky grin on his face that was driving me insane. I wanted to slap him.
"Bull shit. Prove it."
"It's true man. Ringo Starr covered his drums."
At that, he thought it was over. As he began to pull the cover over the drums, I snapped. I grabbed my guitar off its stand. I do remember if it was a telecaster or a stratacaster. That was the other different between me and old Meat Loaf. Mine was a telecaster. And I beat the shit out of Nicky with it.
I won't tell you what happened next. It's still an open case. I don't want to go to jail. Nicky was an always asshole anyway.
1317 6/1/08
I've Got a Gun!
As I stared down the barrel of the gun, I realized: This is it.
This is the end of the road.
The details aren't terribly important. I was shopping at the local
c-store when some idiot decided, "Armed robbery? Sure. Sounds good
to me."
Honestly, I had just wanted some beer. A six pack of Corona was all
I was hoping for to help my evening end a little more smoothly than
it had begun. As my shopping trip progressed, it became apparent
that wasn't going to happen. There were five other people in the
store: a woman with a toddler, some teenaged punk and his
girlfriend, and a middle aged guy buying apple juice. How many
middle aged men drink apple juice? That should have been my first
sign. Apple juice..
The lunatic with the gun struck before I even had a chance to pick
up my beer.
"Everybody, on the ground!" he shouted, quite originally. "I've got
a gun!"
The woman screamed and grabbed her little boy. She ducked down onto
the floor in the corner with him in her arms.
The punk gave a second's thought to starting something, but
apparently thought the better of it. He and his girl fell face down
on the linoleum.
Mr. Apple Juice disappeared behind a shelving unit.
As the cashier began to duck, Petty Thief Extraordinaire called
out, "Not you, asshole. You open the register. Don't even think of
trying to call someone. I'll blow your brains out."
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Hey dnmtwthlsrbm,
(....Any reason for that pen name? Just wondering.) These were fun to read. You have a very definite voice, which translates over to your dialogue and makes it sound very believable. Your characters aren't proper, refined, or what I really mean to say, perfect. And I like that. In "Wasted Youth", your narrator was very strong, and although I thought the piece was complete simply in the retelling of the incident, and I wouldn't necessarily urge you to lengthen it, maybe Nicky could've been more strongly characterized, too? Just a thought, that's all.
I liked your action in the second entry, but I'll admit I got confused about what was going on after finishing it. I don't know why the narrator was starting down the barrel of the gun. That line would suggest to me that he was really the one robbing the convenience store, but going back over the piece, I'm not finding enough information to convince me that that's the right interpretation. Up until that last line, I had assumed the narrator was another one of the robber's captives, but since the only person we see with a gun pointed at him at the end is the robber, I'm led to believe that he and the narrator are one in the same? I don't know. I'm still confused.
Your third entry was amusing. I did think from the title that the narrator was going to keep running into the nudist Jonesy (what a great character!), so I was little disappointed when the person in the second apartment turned out to be a different guy... ( :
I could say more, I guess, but it's understood that these are unedited. So my thoughts and reactions will suffice for now.
Good job, and good luck with the rest of the month!
Thanks to my own efforts to keep up with the challenge, I'm just going to comment on these.
How I liked them in order from best to least:
1. I've Got a Gun!
2. Wasted Youth
3. Must Wear Clothes
Favorite bits (same order):
1. Hinting at the secret in the title.
2. Worrying about Meatloaf.
3. Starting with the ad.
Needs work:
1. The final reveal.
2. When did this happen? Now or when I was seventeen?
3. All the funny is in the front, beef up the back.
Hope this was helpful or at least informative.
-Ben
Nnmtwthlsrbm,
I'm going to break these down by individual story.
WASTED YOUTH
It seems really redundant to open two seperate paragraphs by
telling us that Tom's 17. Just once is fine, especially since this
is flash fiction. You also use the word "so" to open two
consecutive paragraphs. It seems like a bit of a tic that the
character has. Is he talking really fast to the audience?
Is it really necessary to the story that we know the name of the band is the Sammy Davis Juniors? I don't think so. It doesn't really move the story along.
Why does it bother Tom that Nicky covers the drum set? Does he feel it's not a real punk rock thing to do? Or was he just angry about some homework and was looking for an excuse to pick a fight? This doesn't seem really clear.
The following sentence seems addled, especially in the context of the overall paragraph.Tom mentions quite explicitly later that it was a telecaster:
I do remember if it was a telecaster or a stratacaster.
If you got rid of it, the paragraph would be stronger.
I'VE GOT A GUN!
I'm assuming "c-store" is slang for "convenience?" It's a bit confusing to me because there's a C-mart (no joke) near my home.
Heh, Petty thief extraordinaire. I like it! It conveys a strong mental image.
It is really confusing that the narrator is the criminal. He's using way too much negative imagery about himself. It makes the story confusing.
MUST WEAR CLOTHES
So far, this is the most successful. Really made me laugh. Just out of curiosity, have you checked to make sure that the phone numbers are real or not? I was tempted to call to see. I'd also like to see this expanded into a comedy about all the other weird people Jamie met.
Just some closing thoughts -- I think you're improving. "Must Wear Clothes" was the best of this batch. Keep working on it! By the way, if you're interested in finding some good flash to listen to, check out http://www.drabblecast.org. They do "flash fiction at the far side of weird." It's very entertaining.
Jay - I was going to write this on your scratchpad, but it doesn't appear to exist. Which strikes me as.. very odd.
"Wasted Youth" stems from a Meat Loaf song. The repetitiveness and the line you mentioned (I do remember if it was a telecaster or a stratacaster) come directly from the song. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Thanks for your thoughts 
Feel free to let me know what you
think of my other June Challange pieces. They're kind of all over
the place as far as topics go..
Thanks for the explanation! I will definitely keep reading.
So.. ignore the fact that this has chapters. Well, a chapter. We'll call that .... an error in publication.
Edit: I rescind my comment about chapterage. I figured out my thinking behind it.