June Challenge, Chapter 2: June 4-7
unedited, flash fiction, june challenge
Published on:
June 5, 2:51amWord Count:
3211Last Edited:
June 8, 12:47amWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
The Box: A Dinner Meeting
The Typewriter: My attempt at writing something even moderately descriptive.
The Sentence: Skyler takes matters into his own hands
Carol: There's been an accident
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
The Box
She touched the little box in her pocket and smiled. It was almost time.
Before meeting Johnny for dinner, she decided to go for a walk. Sharon had been dating Johnny for three years now, and tonight was the big night. Am I ready for this? she thought to herself. Should I be doing this myself, or should I wait for him to do it? These thoughts had been going though her head all week, ever since she had put the box in her pocket. She'd been waiting for just the right moment.
At a quarter past six, she found herself at the restaurant. She was fifteen minutes early. She decided to go in and sit at the bar until Johnny showed up. She ordered a drink and prepared to wait. Not a minute later, a man sat down on the stool next to hers.
"Buy you a drink?" he offered creatively.
At that, her already-ordered martini showed up. She took it from the bartender and held it up to the stranger. "No thanks."
He chuckled. "Good timing, eh? Name's Stan. What brings you hear all by yourself?"
"I'm not here alone, Stan. I'm Sharon. My boyfriend will be hear in
(watch check)
"about ten minutes. What brings you here all by yourself?"
"Well Sharon, I'm a lonely old man. This is where we go." He smiled somewhat wistfully.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Stan. Maybe you should change your approach."
"Maybe you're right."
Movement in the entrance to the restaurant caught Sharon's attention. Johnny had arrived.
"Well," Sharon started, nodding toward Johnny. "That's my cue. I hope your friend shows up soon."
"Yes, me too. Hope your dinner goes well."
Sharon took her drink and greeted Johnny with a kiss on the cheek.
"Glad you could make it," he told her. "I was worried, with work and everything.."
"No, it was fine. I've actually got a light load this week." Sharon's hand again fumbled the small box. She felt herself blush.
The hostess arrived to show them to their table, and they followed.
Once seated, small talk began about each others' days. It only took a few minutes for Sharon to work up her courage. She took the box out of her pocket and held it in her lap.
"Johnny," she started.
"Yes?" he answered distractedly. He was looking very intently at the menu.
"Johnny," she tried again. "We need to talk. I have something I need to ask you."
Johnny finally took the hint and set his menu aside. With one look at Sharon's face, he realized she was serious.
"We've been together for awhile now," she started.
"Yes, three years. It's been amazing." He smiled.
"Yes. It has." Sharon smiled back.
"What did you want to ask?" he questioned, feigning innocence. She thought he was pretty sure he knew what was coming next.
She placed the little box on the table between him. It was a small jewelry box, just the right size for a ring.
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve.
Please log in to rate.Discussion
I agree with Laurie -- great work here! You have a lot of great ideas and they're all really welly fleshed out.
Cool. I want to see what you come up with next. ( :
Hey dnm,
"I'm not here alone, Stan. I'm Sharon. My boyfriend will be hear in(watch check)"about ten minutes. What brings you here all by yourself?"
Having always loved all things nostalgic and meaningful, the second I walked through the door, I wanted to live in that smell forever.
Whatchyou got there, 5B?
FInally, I thought. I can write.
I started to walk toward it-------------------and then I woke up.
The florescent lights were such a contrast from the black basement then I couldn't see anything.
By the time I reached the hospital, I was practically hyperventilating.
i really like what you've put together here. i think your story has grit. Which is something I rather like in stories. i want to know more about the characters and would like to read more of this if you keep the storyline going.
As far as your descriptive writing style goes, it reads pretty smoothly. There are a couple of things you could polish a bit, some has already been mentioned.
The word 'here' is sometimes written as, 'hear'
In the end, you change voice. It begins to read as a memoir rather than in character--if that makes sense. When you describe the door and the base of the typewriter, it is more of a reflection and not so much the characters real time experience of it. You added distance by some of the words you chose, at least for me...I would suggest adding the word 'own' to the 'my door' phrase and consider a slightly more direct and intimate description of the feeling the typewriter gives, the sense of the base...
Finally, in the beginning, knowing already that you are focusing on description with this piece, I would love to have learned more about the typewriter itself. What made you fall in love with it? What brand was it?
Again, the realness of the scene was definitely depicted for me, I could smell the old guy and his shop...even though you didn't mention smell, and I felt a thickness to the air that is usually found in such places...which in my opinion makes your descriptors just right (in other words you didn't over or under do it).
Louise
wow! i mean, really...wow! these daily stories are remarkable, and read as very polished even as first drafts. you've got some typos/misspellings, but those're easily fixed in edits. original ideas, smooth, engaging writing style, and a penchant for drawing readers in. i'll be back to critique when i have the appropriate amount of time, but i wanted to comment. really impressive work!