June Challenge, Chapter 2: June 4-7
unedited, flash fiction, june challenge
Published on:
Jun. 5, 2008, 2:51amWord Count:
3211Last Edited:
Jun. 8, 2008, 12:47amWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
The Box: A Dinner Meeting
The Typewriter: My attempt at writing something even moderately descriptive.
The Sentence: Skyler takes matters into his own hands
Carol: There's been an accident
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"Fine. Total's $12.35."
"I'll just be a minute." The man, who I still couldn't see, shut the door behind me then walked over to table, presumably to find his money. I turned around to see if I could make out any details of the house. I noticed a strange picture on the wall. I started to walk toward it
-------------------
and then I woke up. The first thing I noticed was that I was sitting up. That meant I wasn't in bed. I tried to brush my hair out of my eyes, and realized my hands were tied. That's when I noticed the throbbing in the back of my head.
The bastard knocked me out, I realized.
I tried to stand up and realized my feet were also bound. I was tied to a chair.
Suddenly, a door opened somewhere above my head. I saw a wave of light pass over the room then disappear. It seemed I was in a basement. Next thing I knew there was a blinding light in my eyes. He had a flashlight. I squinted and tried to look away, but because of the way I was tied, I couldn't.
"Look man, I know twelve bucks is steep, but jeez. You can have the pizza. Just let me go home."
I heard a chuckle, which turned into a cackle.
"The pizza? You think this is about the pizza?! He thinks this is about the pizza.." He began mumbling to himself about pizzas and delivery drivers.
"Then what? Who the hell are you?" I still hadn't seen his face.
He took the flashlight away from my eyes and shined it at his face, like a teenager telling a ghost story around a fire.
Skyler. Shit.
"Skyler, look man. Let's talk about this."
The look on his face was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen. To say he looked deranged would not even begin to do it justice. He looked downright crazy, psychotic.
"Talk about it? He wants to talk about it. Did he want to talk about it before he raped my sister? Did he want to talk about it before he buried her alive?"
"Skyler, that's not true. You know that's not true. We went to court. They let me go. I didn't do it." I knew it was no use. Skyler was crazy. His protectiveness over his sister when she was alive had been unmistakable. With Jenny dead, he was unstoppable. I knew he might take measures into his own hands, but I had no idea he would go this far. I knew I could talk until I was blue in the face; he wouldn't even hear me.
"Skyler. Buddy. Come one. Untie me."
"Not a chance. I want you to suffer for what you did. Maybe the judge wouldn't punish you, but I will."
Thud. The flashlight caught me behind my right ear. Stars danced before my eyes.
"Wait, no. Let's talk. Give me a chance to expla-"
Crack. Pain exploded in my left leg. He definitely had something besides a flashlight. The pain was unbelievable.
Slam. My back.
Jab. My stomach.
"Skyler! Stop!" I cried through tears. I could feel myself beginning to black out.
I saw the flashlight coming toward my
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I agree with Laurie -- great work here! You have a lot of great ideas and they're all really welly fleshed out.
Cool. I want to see what you come up with next. ( :
Hey dnm,
"I'm not here alone, Stan. I'm Sharon. My boyfriend will be hear in(watch check)"about ten minutes. What brings you here all by yourself?"
Having always loved all things nostalgic and meaningful, the second I walked through the door, I wanted to live in that smell forever.
Whatchyou got there, 5B?
FInally, I thought. I can write.
I started to walk toward it-------------------and then I woke up.
The florescent lights were such a contrast from the black basement then I couldn't see anything.
By the time I reached the hospital, I was practically hyperventilating.
i really like what you've put together here. i think your story has grit. Which is something I rather like in stories. i want to know more about the characters and would like to read more of this if you keep the storyline going.
As far as your descriptive writing style goes, it reads pretty smoothly. There are a couple of things you could polish a bit, some has already been mentioned.
The word 'here' is sometimes written as, 'hear'
In the end, you change voice. It begins to read as a memoir rather than in character--if that makes sense. When you describe the door and the base of the typewriter, it is more of a reflection and not so much the characters real time experience of it. You added distance by some of the words you chose, at least for me...I would suggest adding the word 'own' to the 'my door' phrase and consider a slightly more direct and intimate description of the feeling the typewriter gives, the sense of the base...
Finally, in the beginning, knowing already that you are focusing on description with this piece, I would love to have learned more about the typewriter itself. What made you fall in love with it? What brand was it?
Again, the realness of the scene was definitely depicted for me, I could smell the old guy and his shop...even though you didn't mention smell, and I felt a thickness to the air that is usually found in such places...which in my opinion makes your descriptors just right (in other words you didn't over or under do it).
Louise
wow! i mean, really...wow! these daily stories are remarkable, and read as very polished even as first drafts. you've got some typos/misspellings, but those're easily fixed in edits. original ideas, smooth, engaging writing style, and a penchant for drawing readers in. i'll be back to critique when i have the appropriate amount of time, but i wanted to comment. really impressive work!