June Challenge, Chapter 3: June 8-10
unedited, flash fiction, june challenge
Published on:
Jun. 9, 2008, 2:39amWord Count:
2374Last Edited:
Jun. 11, 2008, 1:32amWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
In: A lunch meeting
Just a Replication: A work of art
Like Oxygen: Something good from something bad
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"Outside. Now."
I got up, and started to walk toward the front door.
"No. Back door. What, are you stupid?"
I turned around and made like I was going to walk out the back door, but I made a break for it. I ran as fast as I could. Then I felt what I was sure was the handle of a revolver smack me in the back of my head. The blow made me dizzy, and I lost my footing. I fell face-first into someone's spaghetti. I could feel meatball in my nose. The smell of tomato sauce was intense.
Someone picked me up by the back of my shirt and turned me around. I came nose to nose with Sammy.
"What should I do with him, boss?"
"Well that all depends on him. What are you doing tonight, son?"
"Um.. homework?"
Smack. The butt of the gun caught me right between the eyes this time. Everything went white for a good ten seconds. I guess that was the wrong answer.
"Let's try this again. What are you doing tonight, son?"
"Meeting Tommy and picking up the envelope?" I tried, praying that was what he wanted.
Sammy finally let go of my shirt. Actually, he tossed me aside like unwanted garbage. Martin patted me on the back and told me I was a good boy.
"Don't screw this up now, son." he said, as he and Sammy started to walk away.
I finally allowed myself to breathe.
Before he walked out of the restaurant, he turned back to face me
Pop
and shot me in the leg. It felt like someone, well, it felt like someone shot me in the leg. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I fell to the floor and grabbed my bleeding
shin. No one rushed over to help me. No one called 911. A woman at the table next to me kept looking at me and gesturing to her ruined plate of spaghetti.
That was when I learned that once you were in, you were in. There was never anyway out.
2232 6/8/08
Just a Replication
She brought me home five years ago. Put me in the living room so everyone could see me. Anytime someone visited, talk of me would start up.
"What a lovely home you have, Renée," So-and-So would say.
"Thanks, So-and-So. Oh, you have to see what we just got." I could hear the excitement in her voice. She really was proud of me, in her own sick way.
"Oh Renée, is that an original?"
"Don't be silly. It's just a replication. But a very good one, I believe." I could always hear the nervousness in her voice. She needed his approval.
"A very good one indeed," So-and-So would concur, pretending to be deep in thought about my artistic value. I would hear Renée's breath finally, slowly escape from her lungs. She always held her breath to
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I love your entires but I am so confused. Do any of these entries have anythignn to do with each other? I just don't understand your intent. Please, can you make it clear for me? And if it's unclear to me, I bet it is unclear to some others.
Other than that, I see no problems! I love your imaging details and I love the scenarios!
Hey pikachufan,
I can clear that up for you. For the month of June, some people are doing a challenge where they write a one-page story every day, so at the end of the month, they have 30 rough stories.
Anyone can do it, so if you're interested, even though we're almost halfway into the month, you can still join in. Look for the 'June Challenge' circle.
A pretty little thing with short blond hair and a shorter skirt showed me to my table. I watched her carefully as she walked away. Okay, maybe stared is more like it. So shoot me.
Don't move while I reload!
shot me in the leg. It felt like someone, well, it felt like someone shot me in the leg. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before
It felt like a white hot marble jettisoned into my leg, crippling me. And it stung like a sonofabitch. I immediately cringed from all-consuming pain.
Nice writing; I like your style and pace. Outside of the 'pain' suggestion above I feel the writing(s) to be quite perfect. I can see you are well experienced in prose; well thought out and pleasant to read.
I am looking forward to delving into and reading more of your writing.
I think your entries have only gotten better, dnmtwthlsrbm! There were even more great ideas in this volume, and not only ideas - you've done well fleshing out all of these stories, putting in convincing details and thinking through the implications of every scenario.
I was especially impressed by June 9th, the one about the little girl/doll. For a while, I was actually hoping that the story was set in the future, that the narrator was a cheap replica of some sophisticated kind of android. That would've been really cool. But I do like where you went with it. I could see you expanding this piece into a larger work.
While I thought your June 8th entry was solid, the dialogue did verge on cliche throughout - which may very well have been your intention - but for me, it did make the work feel a little less real. It was funny, for sure, but I think the cliche could be balanced out a little bit with some more authentic dialogue.
Great job!