You must be a mom. I love the stuff you do about kids. Totally believable characters, real life scenarios. I like.

So the other morning, I walked out of  my apartment, and it was raining cats and dogs. No, I mean literally, it was raining cats and dogs. Like, they were falling out of the sky. Okay, so maybe it was more like.. drizzling cats and dogs. Okay, okay, fine. It was just one dog.

The pillow-dog story was cute. Perhaps a bit of fleshing out of the friends who left the gift of the pillow would have made it less minimalistic. Or knowing what happened to the dog at the pound would be cool.

I have to say, though, that the playground story was the best yet. I love the mini-war between the sexes.

They made Jimmy stay home for two days for hitting me, but I didn't think that was enough punishment. I had to get back at him myself. So I came up with a plan. On his first day back I knew he would expect me to be mean to him, so I was really nice, all day long. I even let him play on the monkey bars at recess. I sat under a tree and read about Nancy Drew. Our class had recess almost at the end of the day, so when we went back inside, it was almost time to go home. As we were getting our stuff together, I walked over to Jimmy as he was putting on his backpack. When he was done, I called out his name so he'd look at me. When he did, I gave him a big fat kiss, right on the lips. And then I smiled and just walked away. 

Plus, I have to say that if you're not a mom (or dad) you must be a kid. The only thing that keeps me from totally believing you're a kid is that you know about Nancy Drew. (I grew up reading those books.)

Thanks again for a great read.

SHOW DON"T TELL!

This could be a cute story, but it needs lots of work. The concept is great, but it really needs more active showing. There is a troubling bit of duplication with four paragraphs starting with the word, "So."

Also, the idea of even a thirty pound dog falling from virtually any height and landing on a hand held pillow without almost knocking down the pillow carrier is a definite turn off. Try something like: Kerplop! Just as I stepped onto the sidewalk a heavy object smacks on the pillow and takes me almost to the ground, knees buckling, arms yanked down. Unbelievably I stared into the grinning face of a young Golden Retriever almost buried in my pillow. A dog from the sky. Can you believe that? Impossible, but there he sat, reaching up to lick my face as I was heading to work.

 Hey  dnmtwthlsrbm,

This was an enjoyable batch of stories. Very positive in all. You've been turning up some interesting plots and genres every time, it seems. Some of the stories here would be great for children, and not everyone can write that kind of material, so good work. I'll go through them one by one.

Jackson:

This entry was my least favorite. I had to keep reminding myself to go with while reading, which usually is a sign of trouble. I had a hard time buying the premise, which--even if it was gimmicky--could still have worked for the reader. The success of that lies in your ability to justify and rationalize this craziness to the reader.  The first paragraph, especially, kills my trust in the narrator.

 So the other morning, I walked out of  my apartment, and it was raining cats and dogs. No, I mean literally, it was raining cats and dogs. Like, they were falling out of the sky. Okay, so maybe it was more like.. drizzling cats and dogs. Okay, okay, fine. It was just one dog. It's still crazy though. Let me start over.

If there was only a dog, why even mention cats? I know there's the old saying and all, but why would the narrator say that was actually happening? And then completely dispell his own lie? He could've just connected the strange event he experienced with the saying by referencing it, instead of making such a stretch. I guess I just don't believe that someone, after the fact, would go so far as to say "it was raining cats and dogs!" when just one dog fell into their arms.

The couch cushion story was clever, but still felt like an excuse rather than reality. I also had a hard time believing this part:

So I walked out of my apartment at about 7:05 into a beautiful morning carrying a couch cushion. I was holding it out in from of me, horizontally. It resting on my forearms.

It's too perfect. That section rubbed me the wrong way and jerked me out of the story. Although I can appreciate this entry as just something odd that happened and not an event of any significance, I still would've liked to have seen more.  The dog had to come from somewhere, right? If it was a magical or paranormal event, it would be cool to see that effect continued through the story. It's almost like you couldn't buy into your own story, so you made excuses for it the whole time, rather than telling it. Run with it! This little piece could be very funny if you let it go in the direction it's trying to right now.

The Playground:

At first, it was hard for me to hear the narrator as a little girl -- maybe that's because you're a guy, and so my mind tricked me -- but after a couple of paragraphs, I got used to it. This entry didn't get interesting for me until the girl Carrie acquired a desire for revenge. That part, the plotting and the execution of the plan, could be drawn out more. She didn't seem to have a desire before then, so there wasn't too much to drive the rest of the story. It was cute though and good work on a child-like voice. However, there were a couple of spots where the narrator seemed to switch between being the same age as in the story and being a couple of years older, looking back -- even though you start by saying "last week".

I was where I always was  (am) when our class goes to recess: on the monkey bars.

It was one of my favorite things to do.

 I swung back and forth to work up some momentum... It was how I always got down. (this last one could be okay because it sounds like normal kid speech)

 I guess that was my mistake. (sounds mature)

Since the narrator is supposed to be a little girl, just make sure all the tenses reflect that she still currently has the same feelings and opinions and routines, etc.

Heat:

To me, this entry was your best this time. The atmosphere was well colored, and the plot unfurled at a very nice pace. This is a piece I wouldn't mind reading a couple more pages of. One thing: why didn't they try to help the people next door? I would think that the decision to help or not to help would play a larger role in this story. I didn't get the impression that the danger was imminent enough that the main character and his roommate needed to escape so quickly they couldn't even get near their neighbor's door to hear if anyone was in there. But then again, I've never been in a fire, so I probably don't know what most people's instant reaction would.

Really, just great detail throughout. Like here,

Sonny jumped off the bed to greet her. She ignored him. She hated dogs. That only seemed to make him love her more, like it was a challenge to him.

That snippet really made the story feel real to me. This entry could almost be a chapter out of a bigger story. You gave us enough for that. Maybe chapter one of a mystery? ( : Maybe they find out it was arson and not an accident? Just offering the possibility. I think the ending paragraph has a lot to do with why it feels like a chapter - it has a conclusion, but just vague enough of one that the reader knows there's more action to come. If you wanted it to feel more like a stand-alone short piece, perhaps you could make it more...conclusive, more book-ended? I'm sorry, I know that's incredibly hazy advice and probably not helpful in the least bit. That's as clear as I can get right now.

Out to Sea:

Sweet, but at the end I thought to myself, "What was the point?" It's not that this entry needed a message or anything, but there was no conflict, no major dramatic question for the characters to answer, and no resolution. So my main recommendation for this entry : find the conflict. The two brothers can still pretend and play, but that needs to be in answer to some problem, and we need to see the brothers handling the problem throught this game of make-believe.  But there is promise in the story, for sure.

Thanks for sharing! I'll be reading your other entries soon.