June Challenge, Chapter 5: June 15-18
flash fiction, june challenge, unedited
Published on:
June 16, 3:06amWord Count:
3837Last Edited:
June 20, 11:06pmWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
The Pursuit: Debra takes a wrong turn
Hunter: Hiding behind closed doors (more unmotivated writing)
I'll give you the title of story three at its end.
Counting to Ten: A chance meeting
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The Pursuit
Debra was running as fast as she could. The businesses of Main Street flew past her at an alarming rate. No matter how fast she ran, it just wasn't fast enough. She was afraid to turn down any of the side roads. It would make her harder to find, but it would slow her down. Speed was her only hope. Speed, and distance. She risked a glance over her shoulder and immediately regretted it: he was close. He was going to catch her. She knew it. He was going to catch her, and he was going to kill her.
As she ran, she tried not to think of the events that led up to her current situation, but it was hard to avoid. It had started the night before, in a bar.
"Can I buy you a drink?" he'd asked her. She was always being asked questions like that. There was no denying she was a beautiful woman: Five foot six, curly brown hair, slender and attractive. Men were always falling all over her. She had been told she had amazing cheek bones, but she wasn't entirely sure what that meant. Suffice it to say, Debra hadn't paid for a drink in a long time.
When he approached her, she was sitting on one of the stools at the bar. At his question, she looked to her right to find out who was going to be footing her bill the night, and there he was. Six foot three, lean but powerful build, with piercing green eyes and wavy black hair. He was wearing a tie. A businessman, she thought. It seemed slightly out of place, at a bar like that. And there was something very strange about his eyes. They were more than piercing, almost demanding. This man is also used to getting what he wants, Debra thought. It intrigued her. If she'd only known...
"I don't see why not," she replied. He motioned to the bartender. When the man behind the bar arrived, her mysterious admirer motioned to her to order. "Vodka, on the rocks."
"None of that fruity shit you girls like so much?" he had asked, with slight smile. Only, it didn't come off as a joke. His voice sounded strained, almost forced.
"Not all of us girls like that fruity shit," she had responded coolly.
Despite the fact that he had rubbed her the wrong way, they shared a few drinks and went home together less than an hour later. They went to her place. He left before she even woke up. No note or anything. Fine with me, she thought. Sometimes it was easier that way. Less messy. And besides, he had only gotten stranger as the night went on. There was something frighteningly desperate about him. It was almost as if their meeting hadn't been as random as it seemed.
Later that day, she ran into him again. Or rather, he ran into her. She was leaving her office building for the night. As she reached the front door, he flew directly into her. He was sweaty, out of breath, and in a huge hurry.
She looked to him, and was about to say hello, when she realized she had no idea what his name was. It just hadn't come up the night before. She smiled and stepped aside. Instead of seeing him rush past, she felt something press into her side. A gun, she thought.
"Not a word. You're coming with me." If his voice had sounded strained the night before, it was nothing compared to that afternoon.
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Discussion
Hey dnm--
I just read this batch, and I definitely like what I see. You've got some excellent stories here. Excellent, excellent premises. I would definitely recommend that you pursue development of several of these stories long-term now that the challenge is over. You're good at charging your pieces full of action and suspense, and you seem to be getting better at it every day.
The Pursuit:
I loved this line.
He was going to catch her, and he was going to kill her.
The revelation of the ending is funny and charming in a way, but man-- I was so excited when I thought she was caught in the middle of some murderous, cryptic plot stemming from her brother's drug addiction! Oh well. ( :
Hunter:
My favorite one from this group. The story managed to squeeze in suspense and depth into its two pages. In a very short space, you managed to give clear pictures of the characters, their relationship, the situation, everything. I was disappointed to discover it ended so abruptly. The piece reminded me of Crichton's Terminal Man actually. I would love to see more of this teacher, her experiences in the classroom, and maybe a longer version of her attempts to find out more about this little boy. Great work.
Story Three:
This was the weakest of the four, in my opinion. The discovery of the first person narrator halfway into the piece comes off as a slap in the face. It's hard to tell if you intended it to be a surprise or not, and I'm not sure what kind of purpose this method serves to your story.
The ending was a little hazy for me - the husband's spectre is sitting in the narrator's living room, right? - and didn't exactly seem the natural conclusion to the story. I didn't see it coming, sure, but not necessarily in an exciting surprise way. Did Zack and the narrator have a previous friendship? The narrator seems distanced from the married couple when he reports the incident to the police - he even refers to the wife as "the woman", which leads me to think he's never spoken to them. If that's so then why does Zack choose the neighbor's apartment to haunt? Maybe I misunderstood.
Counting to Ten:
Liked the framework. Liked the main character. I was a little thrown when the main character was suprised to hear the pub owner's accent. Then, I reread it and saw the "always" crammed there. ( :
Good work!
When I sat down to write story three, I had no inspiration
whatsoever. If you look at the title at the end, it tells you
pretty much the only driving force behind the plot (or lack
thereof). Each sentence in the story starts with the next letter of
the alphabet from the one before. That's about all the depth I
could muster that day.. ![]()



hi, dnm--
another intriguing collection of shorties. you have a strong talent at storytelling, natural and instantly immersive. i'm drawn in to your stories, and your style comes across confident, as if we both know this is gonna be a good one.
i wasn't disappointed with this latest collection--!