June Challenge, Chapter 5: June 15-18
flash fiction, june challenge, unedited
Published on:
Jun. 16, 2008, 3:06amWord Count:
3837Last Edited:
Jun. 20, 2008, 11:06pmWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
The Pursuit: Debra takes a wrong turn
Hunter: Hiding behind closed doors (more unmotivated writing)
I'll give you the title of story three at its end.
Counting to Ten: A chance meeting
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Debra knew better than to argue with a man with a gun. She let him lead her out the door and onto the sidewalk. It quickly became clear he hadn't really thought beyond taking her hostage. He was glancing up and down the street for a way out, but there were people everywhere. She took his confusion as a opportunity and ran. Instead of taking off in the other direction or ducking into some waiting car, he ran after her.
"Debra!" he called.
Shit, she thought. How the hell does he know my name? She tried to kick it up a notch, glad she had spent the last couple years regularly visiting the gym.
"Debra, get back here! Milo told me you'd try to run!"
Milo? How the fuck does he know Milo? She was beginning to really worry. Milo was her brother. He'd gotten into some weird shit a few years back, but she was pretty sure he'd cleaned up. She began to think maybe she was wrong.
"It's no use! I'm going to catch you."
He's right, she thought. Time for a change in plan. She had been running toward her brother's house, but judging by the odd turn of events, she no longer believed that to be a good idea. He was involved in this somehow. While she was trying to think of a new direction to take, she stopped paying as much attention to the sidewalk in front of her. She ran directly into someone. More than that, she practically tackled him. Her mistake was more than her pursuer needed to close the gap between then. She gave the man underneath her an apologetic look, jumped up, and put her hands in the air. She feared for her life, but trying to run again was futile.
"Please, don't shoot me. Just tell me what's going on."
"Shoot? Debra, please. I just wanted to say thank you for last night."
"Thank you? Are you crazy? How the hell do you know my name? And Milo's?" He wants to thank me? she thought. This man is a lunatic.
"I work with your brother. He said we might make a good match. He told me you fled from relationships, but Jesus. I had no idea it was this bad." Confusion spread across Debra's face. All these people here, is he just covering his ass?
"But.. the gun?"
"You mean this?" He held up an umbrella. "Weather report called for rain this morning." He glanced at the sky. "Looks like they were wrong. Again."
"What about what you said? About coming with you, and not saying a word?" He had definitely made it seem like it was a gun.
"I uh.. I was trying to be spontaneous. You know, romantic. Milo said you liked that kind of thing. That's why I didn't tell you I knew him, that he set this up. Thought maybe it would spoil the fun."
Knowing there was no gun, Debra finally felt herself loosen up a little. Until she realized one tiny little detail. "Then why in god's name did you chase me all the way down the street? I thought you were trying to kill me!"
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Discussion
Hey dnm--
I just read this batch, and I definitely like what I see. You've got some excellent stories here. Excellent, excellent premises. I would definitely recommend that you pursue development of several of these stories long-term now that the challenge is over. You're good at charging your pieces full of action and suspense, and you seem to be getting better at it every day.
The Pursuit:
I loved this line.
He was going to catch her, and he was going to kill her.
The revelation of the ending is funny and charming in a way, but man-- I was so excited when I thought she was caught in the middle of some murderous, cryptic plot stemming from her brother's drug addiction! Oh well. ( :
Hunter:
My favorite one from this group. The story managed to squeeze in suspense and depth into its two pages. In a very short space, you managed to give clear pictures of the characters, their relationship, the situation, everything. I was disappointed to discover it ended so abruptly. The piece reminded me of Crichton's Terminal Man actually. I would love to see more of this teacher, her experiences in the classroom, and maybe a longer version of her attempts to find out more about this little boy. Great work.
Story Three:
This was the weakest of the four, in my opinion. The discovery of the first person narrator halfway into the piece comes off as a slap in the face. It's hard to tell if you intended it to be a surprise or not, and I'm not sure what kind of purpose this method serves to your story.
The ending was a little hazy for me - the husband's spectre is sitting in the narrator's living room, right? - and didn't exactly seem the natural conclusion to the story. I didn't see it coming, sure, but not necessarily in an exciting surprise way. Did Zack and the narrator have a previous friendship? The narrator seems distanced from the married couple when he reports the incident to the police - he even refers to the wife as "the woman", which leads me to think he's never spoken to them. If that's so then why does Zack choose the neighbor's apartment to haunt? Maybe I misunderstood.
Counting to Ten:
Liked the framework. Liked the main character. I was a little thrown when the main character was suprised to hear the pub owner's accent. Then, I reread it and saw the "always" crammed there. ( :
Good work!
When I sat down to write story three, I had no inspiration
whatsoever. If you look at the title at the end, it tells you
pretty much the only driving force behind the plot (or lack
thereof). Each sentence in the story starts with the next letter of
the alphabet from the one before. That's about all the depth I
could muster that day.. ![]()



hi, dnm--
another intriguing collection of shorties. you have a strong talent at storytelling, natural and instantly immersive. i'm drawn in to your stories, and your style comes across confident, as if we both know this is gonna be a good one.
i wasn't disappointed with this latest collection--!