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June Challenge, Chapter 5: June 15-18

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flash fiction, june challenge, unedited
5th
Draft

Published on:

Jun. 16, 2008, 3:06am

Word Count:

3837

Last Edited:

Jun. 20, 2008, 11:06pm

Work Description

Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.

Chapter Description

The Pursuit: Debra takes a wrong turn
Hunter: Hiding behind closed doors (more unmotivated writing)
I'll give you the title of story three at its end.
Counting to Ten: A chance meeting

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Print WorkPrint a heavy sigh, threw her now-unwanted dinner in the garbage, and grabbed her car keys.

 

She paused in her search to listen. The hall was so quiet she didn't think he could have moved without alerting her to his location. Then she heard it: the scrape of the legs of a chair on the linoleum floor. Hunter, she thought, and started briskly toward the sound. When she neared the end of the hall, she wasn't sure exactly which room the noise had come from. It had been the right side of the hall, but there were two possible classrooms.

"Hunter?" she whispered. "It's Ms. Lawson. I want to help you."

Nothing.

She didn't want to open the wrong door without reassuring him first. She didn't think he would hurt her, but she was terrified he would hurt himself.

"Hunter, come on out. I just want to talk to you." She kept her voice soft. She was confident he would be able to hear, and she didn't want him to think she was angry with him.

After a little more coaxing, she heard the sound again: the chair on the floor. She heard soft footsteps, then the door to her left opened. There stood Hunter. His cheek was bruised, and he was holding his stomach. When she looked more closely, she noticed there was blood on his shirt. He had a bad cut on his arm.

"Hunter, sweetie, what happened?"

The boy just looked at her, terrified.

"Who did this to you? Did the police officers hurt you?" Please god, tell me they didn't, she thought.

He shook his head.

"Frank." she said. The foster father. It wasn't even a question. It came out in an angry, flat tone.

Hunter dropped his head, and stood still for a few seconds. Then he began to nod.

"Are you ready to talk to the police? I promise, I'll be right there with you."

He wouldn't look up at her, but he nodded again.

Finally, she thought. I can't believe it had to come to this..

 

2250 6/16/08

 

 

Story Three

"Don't think that just because you're a man, you can do whatever you want!" she screamed at him.

"Exactly what does that mean? For your information, I haven't done anything wrong!" Granted their voices weren't quite that loud, neighbors started to look out their windows to watch the fight.

"Haven't done anything wrong? Is sleeping with your secretary 'not doing anything wrong?'" Just saying it aloud, it seemed, finally telling him she knew, took a lot of the pressure away, but it was also sad; she sounded disappointed. Kind of like now that she said it, she had nothing to hold over his head. Like she no longer had a right to be angry. Marriage does weird things to people.

"Now wait just one second," he said, then lowered his voice. "Open the door; let's go inside. People are starting to stare."

"Quite the spectacle, aren't we?" she shouted toward the faces in the windows. "Right out of those cop TV shows, huh? Suppose now you're going to call the police? Tell them about the terrible scene we're causing?"

"Ursula, come on. Very funny. Why don't we just go inside and talk about this, in private?"

"Excellent. You'd like that wouldn't you. Zack, after what you've done to me, you could stand a little public humiliation. Anything you have to say to me, I'm willing to let them hear. Be my witnesses."

"Come on, be reasonable. Don't make this any worse than it already is. Everyone doesn't need to see our marriage fall apart," he said with a nervous smile, glancing toward their audience.

"Fine," she said, finally giving in, but the murderous look hadn't left her face. Grabbing the door handle, she flung the front door the their townhome apartment open and stormed inside. He followed closely behind.

"Is that

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Discussion

 hi, dnm--

another intriguing collection of shorties. you have a strong talent at storytelling, natural and instantly immersive. i'm drawn in to your stories, and your style comes across confident, as if we both know this is gonna be a good one.

i wasn't disappointed with this latest collection--!

 Hey dnm--

I just read this batch, and I definitely like what I see. You've got some excellent stories here. Excellent, excellent premises. I would definitely recommend that you pursue development of several of these stories long-term now that the challenge is over. You're good at charging your pieces full of action and suspense, and you seem to be getting better at it every day.

The Pursuit:

I loved this line.

He was going to catch her, and he was going to kill her.

The revelation of the ending is funny and charming in a way, but man-- I was so excited when I thought she was caught in the middle of some murderous, cryptic plot stemming from her brother's drug addiction! Oh well. ( :

Hunter:

My favorite one from this group. The story managed to squeeze in suspense and depth into its two pages. In a very short space, you managed to give clear pictures of the characters, their relationship, the situation, everything. I was disappointed to discover it ended so abruptly. The piece reminded me of Crichton's Terminal Man actually. I would love to see more of this teacher, her experiences in the classroom, and maybe a longer version of her attempts to find out more about this little boy. Great work.

Story Three:

This was the weakest of the four, in my opinion. The discovery of the first person narrator halfway into the piece comes off as a slap in the face. It's hard to tell if you intended it to be a surprise or not, and I'm not sure what kind of purpose this method serves to your story.

The ending was a little hazy for me - the husband's spectre is sitting in the narrator's living room, right? - and didn't exactly seem the natural conclusion to the story. I didn't see it coming, sure, but not necessarily in an exciting surprise way. Did Zack and the narrator have a previous friendship? The narrator seems distanced from the married couple when he reports the incident to the police - he even refers to the wife as "the woman", which leads me to think he's never spoken to them. If that's so then why does Zack choose the neighbor's apartment to haunt? Maybe I misunderstood.

Counting to Ten:

Liked the framework. Liked the main character. I was a little thrown when the main character was suprised to hear the pub owner's accent. Then, I reread it and saw the "always" crammed there. ( :

Good work!

 When I sat down to write story three, I had no inspiration whatsoever. If you look at the title at the end, it tells you pretty much the only driving force behind the plot (or lack thereof). Each sentence in the story starts with the next letter of the alphabet from the one before. That's about all the depth I could muster that day..

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