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June Challenge, Chapter 5: June 15-18

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flash fiction, june challenge, unedited
5th
Draft

Published on:

Jun. 16, 2008, 3:06am

Word Count:

3837

Last Edited:

Jun. 20, 2008, 11:06pm

Work Description

Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.

Chapter Description

The Pursuit: Debra takes a wrong turn
Hunter: Hiding behind closed doors (more unmotivated writing)
I'll give you the title of story three at its end.
Counting to Ten: A chance meeting

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"Okay. Thanks anyway." He started to walk out the door. The way he dropped his head and let his shoulders sag, I felt bad for him.

"Hey kid. He used to hang at the pub across the street. You might try there." I saw his face light up a little, and then he turned back around and headed outside.

 

The second time I saw him was the next morning. I happened to glance out over the tables and through the window while I was opening up shop. It was hard to make out over the glare of the sun on the large panes, but it looked like someone, probably the pub's owner Joe, was carrying little James out the front door of the place. Baffled, I dropped the rag I was using to clean the counters and went to the window to get a closer look. Yep, definitely Joe. At six foot seven, he was pretty easy to recognize. What the hell is he doing? After re-locking the front door behind me, I crossed the street to the pub.

"What's goin' on, Joe?" When I arrived, he had James slung headfirst over his shoulder. James was beating Joe's back, flailing his legs, and trying with all his might to get free. His behavior that morning did not jive at all with the impression he'd given the day before. 

"You know this kid, Sonny?" Hearing a British accent from such a large black man always threw me off. This morning, with the addition of a struggling teenager on his back, it seemed even more out of place. Joe sounded understandably out of breath.

"Not exactly. Came into the shop yesterday looking for Sleazy Rick. Says they're related."

"He's my father!" came a muffled cry.

"Shut up, you." Joe called behind him. Looking back at me, he started to explain. "Well, it seems James here doesn't understand that when a door is locked, it means you're not allowed inside."

"James," I said, addressing the boy's legs. "Did you break into this nice man's pub? When I said Rick might hang out here, I meant when the place was open." James started kicking and flailing again.

"Put me down!" he screamed at Joe. "Put me down or you'll be sorry!" He stopped moving for a second, and I could hear him trying to catch his breath after the outburst.

"Hear that Joe? You better put him down, or you'll be sorry."

"This little twerp? Threatening me?" Joe put the boy down, not so gently. "Now what big guy? You going to beat me up?" Joe's accent may make him sound a bit prissy, but his size should have given James the hint to back off. Joe was by no means unable to defend himself.

James put on his best fighting face, and was about to launch himself at Joe, but then something changed. His arms, which had been poised to land a punch, fell to his sides. He started to convulse, collapsing to the ground.

"Shit, Joe, is he having a seizure?"

"Hell if I know. I'm calling 911." While Joe ran inside to call an ambulance, I stayed on the sidewalk with the boy.

The ambulance showed up less than two minutes later. During that time, James had alternated between seizing and mumbling incoherently. Then he just lay there. The paramedics had him on a stretcher and in the back of the ambulance in no time. Apparently, it didn't matter. They said he was dead by the time they got there.

 

The third

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Discussion

 hi, dnm--

another intriguing collection of shorties. you have a strong talent at storytelling, natural and instantly immersive. i'm drawn in to your stories, and your style comes across confident, as if we both know this is gonna be a good one.

i wasn't disappointed with this latest collection--!

 Hey dnm--

I just read this batch, and I definitely like what I see. You've got some excellent stories here. Excellent, excellent premises. I would definitely recommend that you pursue development of several of these stories long-term now that the challenge is over. You're good at charging your pieces full of action and suspense, and you seem to be getting better at it every day.

The Pursuit:

I loved this line.

He was going to catch her, and he was going to kill her.

The revelation of the ending is funny and charming in a way, but man-- I was so excited when I thought she was caught in the middle of some murderous, cryptic plot stemming from her brother's drug addiction! Oh well. ( :

Hunter:

My favorite one from this group. The story managed to squeeze in suspense and depth into its two pages. In a very short space, you managed to give clear pictures of the characters, their relationship, the situation, everything. I was disappointed to discover it ended so abruptly. The piece reminded me of Crichton's Terminal Man actually. I would love to see more of this teacher, her experiences in the classroom, and maybe a longer version of her attempts to find out more about this little boy. Great work.

Story Three:

This was the weakest of the four, in my opinion. The discovery of the first person narrator halfway into the piece comes off as a slap in the face. It's hard to tell if you intended it to be a surprise or not, and I'm not sure what kind of purpose this method serves to your story.

The ending was a little hazy for me - the husband's spectre is sitting in the narrator's living room, right? - and didn't exactly seem the natural conclusion to the story. I didn't see it coming, sure, but not necessarily in an exciting surprise way. Did Zack and the narrator have a previous friendship? The narrator seems distanced from the married couple when he reports the incident to the police - he even refers to the wife as "the woman", which leads me to think he's never spoken to them. If that's so then why does Zack choose the neighbor's apartment to haunt? Maybe I misunderstood.

Counting to Ten:

Liked the framework. Liked the main character. I was a little thrown when the main character was suprised to hear the pub owner's accent. Then, I reread it and saw the "always" crammed there. ( :

Good work!

 When I sat down to write story three, I had no inspiration whatsoever. If you look at the title at the end, it tells you pretty much the only driving force behind the plot (or lack thereof). Each sentence in the story starts with the next letter of the alphabet from the one before. That's about all the depth I could muster that day..

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