June Challenge, Chapter 5: June 15-18
flash fiction, june challenge, unedited
Published on:
Jun. 16, 2008, 3:06amWord Count:
3837Last Edited:
Jun. 20, 2008, 11:06pmWork Description
Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.
Chapter Description
The Pursuit: Debra takes a wrong turn
Hunter: Hiding behind closed doors (more unmotivated writing)
I'll give you the title of story three at its end.
Counting to Ten: A chance meeting
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time I saw James, I guess I didn't really see him. Just a casket.
His funeral was short. Joe and I, along with the priest and a few
members of the priest's church, were the only ones there. There was
no one to give a speech. There was no one to tell us how much he'd
be missed. I told the police his name, but they weren't able to
track down any family. I told them he was looking for Richard
Carmichael. Shockingly enough, Sleazy Rick denied knowing him. The
police checked missing persons reports, but found nothing there
either. No one knew who he was. The more I thought about it, the
angrier I got. After the service, I just stood there, fuming. How
could a kid disappear and no one even notice? I don't know why it
made me so angry, but it did. I started getting the urge to break
something, so I did the only thing I could think of. I guess you
could say the first time I saw him was fairly similar to the last
time.
I got on my knees, put my hands and head on the ground, and flipped my legs up in the air.
I started to count. "One.. Two.. Three.. Four....."
1356
6/20/08
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Hey dnm--
I just read this batch, and I definitely like what I see. You've got some excellent stories here. Excellent, excellent premises. I would definitely recommend that you pursue development of several of these stories long-term now that the challenge is over. You're good at charging your pieces full of action and suspense, and you seem to be getting better at it every day.
The Pursuit:
I loved this line.
He was going to catch her, and he was going to kill her.
The revelation of the ending is funny and charming in a way, but man-- I was so excited when I thought she was caught in the middle of some murderous, cryptic plot stemming from her brother's drug addiction! Oh well. ( :
Hunter:
My favorite one from this group. The story managed to squeeze in suspense and depth into its two pages. In a very short space, you managed to give clear pictures of the characters, their relationship, the situation, everything. I was disappointed to discover it ended so abruptly. The piece reminded me of Crichton's Terminal Man actually. I would love to see more of this teacher, her experiences in the classroom, and maybe a longer version of her attempts to find out more about this little boy. Great work.
Story Three:
This was the weakest of the four, in my opinion. The discovery of the first person narrator halfway into the piece comes off as a slap in the face. It's hard to tell if you intended it to be a surprise or not, and I'm not sure what kind of purpose this method serves to your story.
The ending was a little hazy for me - the husband's spectre is sitting in the narrator's living room, right? - and didn't exactly seem the natural conclusion to the story. I didn't see it coming, sure, but not necessarily in an exciting surprise way. Did Zack and the narrator have a previous friendship? The narrator seems distanced from the married couple when he reports the incident to the police - he even refers to the wife as "the woman", which leads me to think he's never spoken to them. If that's so then why does Zack choose the neighbor's apartment to haunt? Maybe I misunderstood.
Counting to Ten:
Liked the framework. Liked the main character. I was a little thrown when the main character was suprised to hear the pub owner's accent. Then, I reread it and saw the "always" crammed there. ( :
Good work!
When I sat down to write story three, I had no inspiration
whatsoever. If you look at the title at the end, it tells you
pretty much the only driving force behind the plot (or lack
thereof). Each sentence in the story starts with the next letter of
the alphabet from the one before. That's about all the depth I
could muster that day.. 
hi, dnm--
another intriguing collection of shorties. you have a strong talent at storytelling, natural and instantly immersive. i'm drawn in to your stories, and your style comes across confident, as if we both know this is gonna be a good one.
i wasn't disappointed with this latest collection--!