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June Challenge, Chapter 7: June 23-26

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unedited, flash fiction, june challenge
6th
Draft

Published on:

Jun. 26, 2008, 5:54pm

Word Count:

3310

Last Edited:

Jun. 28, 2008, 11:38pm

Work Description

Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.

Chapter Description

The Great Disaster: A world in trouble
Searching: Eh
School Supplies: The first day of fourth grade
The Magic Show: A great new trick

Second to last chapter :)

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Print WorkPrint their contents strewn about. The room was in complete disarray. A jumble of books occupied the area under the window. My bed was covered in papers, folders, and notebooks. Video game consoles, controllers, and games were scattered near the door to the hall. I probably could have preceded from pile to pile and made a journey of my entire life. That is, if there had been any floor on which to walk. My dad had always told me I saved too much. He said I should start throwing things away. I guess he was right.

As I slid another box out of the way, the phrase needle in a haystack kept flashing through my head. I emptied the last box. Nothing. It wasn't there. I grabbed armfuls of hanging clothing and yanked them out of the closet. More boxes. I stopped myself for a moment to catch my breath. I was frantic. I tried to use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe my face, but it didn't do much good. Trying to keep myself from getting worked up again, I slowly grabbed the top box from the final stack of three. I dropped it on the floor and removed the lid.

Oh my god, I thought. There it was. Never had I cried out of relief before, but at that moment, tears began to form in my eyes. I picked up the letter and held it to my chest.

Everything will be okay.

1520 6/27/08

 

 

 

School Supplies

The first day of school was her favorite day of the year. She always woke up early, long before her alarm sounded. This year, she only had to wait twenty minutes for the buzzing to begin. Fouth grade, she thought, turning off the alarm. I finally get to be one of the big kids.

"Ariel! You awake?" her mom called from down the hall. A few seconds later, she poked her head into Ariel's room. "Silly question, I know. Start getting ready. You don't want to miss the bus your first day." Her mom left to wake Ariel's brother in the next room. He was starting high school that day. Ariel was so jealous; she couldn't wait to grow up. Pushing the covers away, she got out of bed and stretched. With a smile on her face, Ariel went to her closet. She had picked out her outfit the night before: brand new blue jeans with purple flowers on the legs, a purple long sleeved shirt with a blue flower, and her blue slip-on shoes. Ariel had begged her mom for those jeans; she needed something perfect to wear on the first day. First impressions are everything, you know.

After getting dressed, she looked in the full-length mirror on the back of her door. Almost perfect, she thought. Picking her hairbrush up off her dresser, she began to make herself presentable. Twenty strokes on each side was her normal routine, but since today was special, she made it twenty-five. When her hair was perfect, she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. After three full minutes of brushing, she finally felt ready.

In the living room, her backpack waited to be hefted onto her shoulders. The night before, she had filled it with all the supplies she could possibly need: a planner, a notebook for each subject plus one extra, loose leaf paper, two folders. two packs of pens, one pack of pencils, three erasers, white-out, a single hole punch, and a miniature stapler. The list supplied by her school had not been nearly as specific as she had been. Her mom had tried to tell her she was going overboard, but it was no use. "You can never be too prepared," Ariel had told her. Along with her supplies, the backpack also held the book Ariel was currently reading (a memeber of R.L. Stine's Fear Street series), her journal, and her lucky keychain. The keychain was a rabbit's foot that had gone to school with her since her first day of preschool. Despite how meticulous Ariel's packing had been the night before, she refused to leave that morning until she double checked to make sure each item was present. Finally satisfied nothing was forgotten, Ariel kissed her mother goodbye, and left for the bus stop.

As she walked toward the corner to wait, her excitement grew with each step. Thinking of all the new things she would learn this year, Ariel got distracted and stopped

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Discussion

 go, dnm, go!

you've done a great job with these daily stories this month--in quantity and quality, both. you have so many strong starting points to work from now, and your portfolio must be bursting at the seams at this point.

the first two stories in this chapter caught my attention (and affection) with their desperate tones and singular perspectives. i hava an affinity for apocalypse scenarios, so your meteor story hit close to home for me. loved it. would love to hear more about how your mc navigates this world after the catastrophe.

in your second story, you bring across the desperation in your character well. the intensity didn't let up, and i was intrigued, wondering what this person was searching for. the mystery deepened when we discover the letter. oooh, good stuff. both stories are contenders for expanding.

keep going! you're our only hope for making it to the end of the challenge!! *waves pom poms*

This critique applies to the 3rd draft of this work.

This is really great. I think you have something here...

This critique applies to the 4th draft of this work.
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