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June Challenge, Chapter 7: June 23-26

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unedited, flash fiction, june challenge
6th
Draft

Published on:

Jun. 26, 2008, 5:54pm

Word Count:

3310

Last Edited:

Jun. 28, 2008, 11:38pm

Work Description

Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.

Chapter Description

The Great Disaster: A world in trouble
Searching: Eh
School Supplies: The first day of fourth grade
The Magic Show: A great new trick

Second to last chapter :)

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Print WorkPrint looking where she was going. As she went through the day in her head, she began to drift from the curb. First, we'll meet our homeroom teacher, Mrs. Johnson. Then we'll play a game to meet our classmates. Unlike most people, Ariel enjoyed the silly games they always played to learn everyone's names. Next, we'll have math. I wonder what kind of math we learn in fourth grade? After math comes English. I wonder if we'll have to take grammar tests this year. Ariel didn't like grammar very much. It'll probably be lunch time by then. We'll walk as a class to the cafeteria----

SMASH

When the police showed up at the scene, the street was littered with notebooks, folders, pencils, pens, an R.L. Stine book, and a journal.

"What the hell is this?" Officer Crumpler had stepped on Ariel's lucky keychain. He picked it up and looked at it curiously.

"It's a rabbit's foot," said Officer Stanley. "You've never seen once before? It's supposed to bring you good luck."

"Lot of good it did her," Crumpler said, dropping it in an evidence bag. He looked at the mangled body on the street below him and shook his head. "Drunk drivers, at seven in the morning. What is the world coming to.."

1013 6/28/08

 

 

The Magic Show

Cameron hated his younger brother so much that one day, he decided to get rid of him. He didn't want to kill Connor; he just wanted to make him disappear. Cameron had been performing magic shows for his family for three years, and he had gotten quite good at it. In fact, he may have been the best nine-year-old magician in the world. Connor had insisted on being Cameron's assistant. He was jealous of the attention Cameron got from their parents. Whenever they would perform toegether, Connor would always mess up the tricks to try to make people laugh. Cameron got sick of it. He had stopped letting Connor help him with his shows, but Connor still tried to annoy him every chance he got. Cameron just wanted him to go away, so he came up with a plan. One Friday night, Cameron approached his brother.
"Hey Connor, wanna help me with a show tomorrow?"
Connor was excited at first, but then he started to think about it. "I thought you hated when I helped you with your shows. You told me I could never help you again."
"I know. I'm sorry. This is gonna be a really good show, though. It's gonna be hard, so I need your help." Cameron knew that if he pretended hard enough, Connor would fall for it.
"Yeah? What's so hard about it?" Connor wanted to be suspicious, but he was too excited by the idea of getting to be in the show.
"I have a new trick to try. It's gonna be really good, but I can't do it by myself. I need an assistant. I don't know. If it's too hard for you, maybe I could find someone else." Cameron pretended to think of who else could help with his new trick.
"No, I can do it! What kind of trick is it?"
"It's a disappearing trick. It takes a lot of magic, and a lot of concentration. Are you sure you're not gonna mess it up?"
"I can do it! I swear!"
Cameron pretended to think for a minute, but then agreed to let Connor help him. Cameron had read in a magic book how to do a disappearing trick that wasn't really a trick. That's what had given him the idea. He thought if he could just get the trick right, Connor would be gone forever. As he walked with his brother into the room they shared, he noticed his mom watching them from the kitchen. What he didn't notice was that she had his magic book in her hands. She had read the part about the trick, and figured out Cameron's plan. This had given her a plan of her own. When she was tucking Connor into bed, while Cameron was in the bathroom, she and her younger son had a talk.
The next day, Cameron and Connor got up early to prepare for the big show. Cameron taught his brother some little tricks that they were going to do first. They were simple tricks that he knew Connor couldn't mess up. Everything had to go perfectly so they

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Discussion

 go, dnm, go!

you've done a great job with these daily stories this month--in quantity and quality, both. you have so many strong starting points to work from now, and your portfolio must be bursting at the seams at this point.

the first two stories in this chapter caught my attention (and affection) with their desperate tones and singular perspectives. i hava an affinity for apocalypse scenarios, so your meteor story hit close to home for me. loved it. would love to hear more about how your mc navigates this world after the catastrophe.

in your second story, you bring across the desperation in your character well. the intensity didn't let up, and i was intrigued, wondering what this person was searching for. the mystery deepened when we discover the letter. oooh, good stuff. both stories are contenders for expanding.

keep going! you're our only hope for making it to the end of the challenge!! *waves pom poms*

This critique applies to the 3rd draft of this work.

This is really great. I think you have something here...

This critique applies to the 4th draft of this work.
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