Scribophile

June Challenge, Chapter 7: June 23-26

Actions
Bookmarking
Remove these ads
unedited, flash fiction, june challenge
6th
Draft

Published on:

Jun. 26, 2008, 5:54pm

Word Count:

3310

Last Edited:

Jun. 28, 2008, 11:38pm

Work Description

Month-long daily unedited flash fiction challenge.
See "June Challenge" circle or "June:A Challenge" thread on Community forums for details.

Chapter Description

The Great Disaster: A world in trouble
Searching: Eh
School Supplies: The first day of fourth grade
The Magic Show: A great new trick

Second to last chapter :)

This work is archived. This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments.  Why?
Chapter: «« 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 »»
Page: «« 1 2 3 4 5 »»
Print WorkPrint could get to the grand finale. At ten o'clock, it was finally time for them to start.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Cameron began. "Today you will see magic right before you're very eyes! My assistant and I will show you things you've never seen before, including a new trick we will do at the end of the show. Is everyone ready?" Their parents clapped and cheered, as they always did. Cameron looked at his brother and saw the grin on his face. He's so excited. He doesn't suspect a thing. He'll never know what hit him!
They started the show by making pennies disappear and then reappear behind each others' ears. Next, Cameron made a ball in his brother's hand turn into a handkerchief (which had been hidden up his sleeve). After a few more minor tricks, the time had finally come. Cameron tried to make himself stay calm; he didn't want to mess up the trick. He had to do everything just right, then Connor would finally be gone.
The trick was done by making Connor climb into a big box, covering the box, then waving a wand in front of the box and saying the magic words. When Cameron took the cover off the box, Connor should be gone. Cameron was so nervous he thought he was going to explode.
"Abra cadabra hocus pocus pocus!" he cried as he waved the wand. When he pulled the cover away from the box, it was empty. He couldn't believe it. Connor was finally gone! His parents were cheering and clapping like crazy. Cameron took a bow and started to clean up.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked his mom.
"What do you mean?" Cameron thought he had gotten everything. He even remembered to get the ping pong balls off the floor.
"Cameron, you have to make your brother reappear. You forgot the second half of the trick." His father was laughing as he spoke. He thought the boys had done an impressive job.
"But.. I don't know how to make him come back. The book only told me how to make him disappear. Besides, I don't want him to come back! All he does is annoy me!"
"You don't think you'd miss your brother?" his mom asked.
"No way!" Cameron thought he would finally have some time to himself.
"Well, I guess Connor is kind of annoying.." his mom said. "It will be much more quiet here without him."
"Exactly." Cameron was glad to see his mom agreed.
The rest of the day, Cameron did all the things he wanted to do, but couldn't because his brother got in the way. He played his PlayStation as long as he wanted. He jumped on the trampoline in the backyard without having someone there to try to make him fall over. He even got to read at bedtime without someone interrupting him after every sentence. He thought, This is great. I should have made Connor disappear years ago!
The next morning, Cameron woke up after a great night's sleep. He rolled over to ask Connor what they were going to do that day. Then he remembered. Connor was gone. Good! Cameron thought. I didn't want him bugging me all day, anyway. When he looked at Connor's side of the bedroom, it was empty. All of Connor's stuff was gone. Wow, he thought. That was fast..
When he got downstairs, he went into the kitchen to get some breakfast. He noticed Connor's chair was missing from the dining room table. After eating his cereal, Cameron decided to play more PlayStation. When he sat down in front of the TV, he saw that there was only one controller. He heard his mom in the kitchen and decided to ask about it.
"What happened to the other PlayStation controller?" he asked.
"Well, with Connor gone, why do you need two?" she answered.
Cameron thought about it and realized she was right. He shrugged it off and played the game. After ten minutes, though, he found he was bored. He tried to call his friend Jimmy and invite him over, but Jimmy wasn't home. He went back to his room and tried to read for awhile, but he kept looking at Connor's side of the room. It looked so sad with nothing there. He couldn't concentrate on his book. He wasn't used to so much silence.
As he wandered
Page: «« 1 2 3 4 5 »»
Chapter: «« 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 »»
Rate This Work

Your honest rating will help the author improve, and you'll earn a little karma too.

Please log in to rate.

Discussion

 go, dnm, go!

you've done a great job with these daily stories this month--in quantity and quality, both. you have so many strong starting points to work from now, and your portfolio must be bursting at the seams at this point.

the first two stories in this chapter caught my attention (and affection) with their desperate tones and singular perspectives. i hava an affinity for apocalypse scenarios, so your meteor story hit close to home for me. loved it. would love to hear more about how your mc navigates this world after the catastrophe.

in your second story, you bring across the desperation in your character well. the intensity didn't let up, and i was intrigued, wondering what this person was searching for. the mystery deepened when we discover the letter. oooh, good stuff. both stories are contenders for expanding.

keep going! you're our only hope for making it to the end of the challenge!! *waves pom poms*

This critique applies to the 3rd draft of this work.

This is really great. I think you have something here...

This critique applies to the 4th draft of this work.
Remove these ads