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November contest

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november contest, novel, thriller, mystery
1st
Draft

Published on:

Nov. 20, 2008, 7:28pm

Word Count:

1260

Work Description

What would you do if a secret from your past threatened to destroy you and everyone around you? This fast paced suspense thriller follows one woman's nightmare when love won't die.

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WHEN LOVE WON’T DIE                                                                        -1

CHAPTER ONE

 

            Mel watched her from his camouflaged position, tucked in amongst the dense

 

patch of trees that lined the edge of her property.  Peering through the thick row of pines,

 

he leaned into the spiny branches and stiffened as a dead twig crackled in the silence.

 

His eyes widened as he watched her walk across the expansive deck toward the railing.

 

She grasped it with both hands and leaned forward as if to soak in the last few rays of the

 

late afternoon sun.

 

            Today, Mel had waited in this very spot for hours, not certain when she would

 

return.  His stomach gurgled, emitting a low growl, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten

 

anything, other than a day-old doughnut that he had found in the crumpled bag  on the

 

front seat of his car.  But his hunger for her was greater than the need to satisfy his empty

 

stomach.  He took the wrinkled and folded book jacket from his pocket and opened it up

 

until her picture was visible.  Mel didn’t like her hair that dark brown color.  He would

 

make her dye it back once they got home.  Still staring at the photo, Mel raised it toward

 

his face and gently touched his lips to hers. 

 

            The sunlight glistened as it bounced off the lens of her sunglasses, signaling

 

him to remember his purpose.  His heart pounded at the rush of being so close to his

 

 

 

 

love, yet so completely undetected.  He watched her

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Discussion

Opening Comments

 This is going to be a real page turner.

Plot

 Good plot and development of obsession. It was easy to follow and left enough detail out to create suspense. Is the woman he is watching actually his ex-wife? Or is he simply mistaken due to hs overriding obsession?

Pacing

 Good pace, no slow points.

Description

 Good description, it also leaves a lot of unanswered questions that add to the suspense. Is her hair color different because this is  case of mistaken identity? Why is his finger calloused? Adding the asthma as his weakness is effective to the tension.

Point Of View

 Good point of view throughout.

Characters

 The protagonist is well developed very early in the work. We don't know much about the woman yet except that she is a writer and she writes about a woman being violated.

Dialog

 No dialogue so far.

Grammar and Spelling

 Grammar is good, the correct spelling is "nauseous". That was the only misspelling I could see, but I'm not the world's best speller.

Closing Comments

 Can't wait for the next chapter.

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