overall, i thought that the poem was excellent. the story is clear cut and the ending is perfect. like the others said, figure out what you want to do with the periods.

 it is very easy to grasp the theme of this poem. in my opinion, the poem doesnt use cliches, but something important that should be discussed. the insight it provided me is dont jump at everything in life; sometimes you wont come back.

 the poem creates an exited, yet fearful mood throughout. the mood is not the centerpiece of the poem. the message of the poem is the centerpiece.

 the imagery of the ocean was used effectively.

"Ever deeper I swam towards the middle

But the joy that I sought was not there

I found myself caught in the whirlpool

And sucked down in the sea of despair"

i could actually picture this part.

 the ocean used to represent life was good.

 the poem flows very well and i enjoyed the rythme scheme.

the poem had a good variety of words and wasnt at all repetitive.

 the only thing i could think of is to not have periods until the end of a stanza.

also, consider this change:

"For it shimmered, all harmless and pure"

to

"For it shimmered, so harmless, pure"

 i agree with the others about the title.

A great work of poetry.  It's imaginative as well as consistent.

Thematically the piece ties together well.  Each stanza is relative to your main idea, the cesspool of life and how you have been deceived into it.  It is also chronologically consistent, weaving action with reflection.  Specifically:

Now the torrent surrounds my body

and

The cesspool of life looked alluring

work very well to keep your reader engaged.

Although I feel the piece is centered on unfortunate events, it is the large use of action verbs, such as engulfed, surround, swirl, swam, etc., which keeps it from getting too depressing.  I felt a little like I was reading a more serious Shel Silverstein poem. (which I believe to be a good thing)

In addition, your use of alliteration between the action verbs, upon looking at them again, ties them together quite well.

I fervently enjoyed your use of action to describe the cesspool.  I myself am a thriller writer, not a poet, and the action of the piece kept me very connected throughout the work.

The use of 'coffin' and 'grave' worked well.  Since they don't come until the last stanza, they work.

The rhyme scheme reads incredibly easily.  I'm sure you put a great deal of time into setting it up just so, and you can tell by how easily it reads.

The repetition of 'the cesspool of life' works really well in the tying of everything together.  Your use of aquatic-related verbs throughout also was very deft.

Here's where I'm going to disagree with most critics that have reviewed this piece.  I like the lack of periods and think it works well as a poetic device.  I think you just need to remove the period from the excerpt given below.

It swirls and it sucks me down.

With a consistent scheme of no periods, the reader will most likely get used to it after the first stanza or so, possibly even before that.

I also think you can do away with the commas in the first stanza.  Upon looking at the entire poem, they make it seem heavy and overbearing in terms of syntax in my opinion.  I also think that by removing the comma, the phrase

For it shimmered, all harmless and pure

will work better.

I agree with everyone.  It needs to be called "The Cesspool of Life."